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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reached the end of my tether being asked to do life admin for a stranger

119 replies

GotMooMilk · 01/07/2023 14:02

I’ve been struggling recently, like a lot of us really. 2 small kids, juggling 2 jobs and study to increase earning potential. Good DH who helps out but still carrying a lot of the mental load. Every week feels like a struggle at the moment and like we are both dashing from one thing to another spinning plates. Money is tight and causing a bit of stress. Working bank shifts to make extra. What lots of people are experiencing I suppose.

Anyway a friend of MIL messaged me asking if a random relative of her could get in touch with me as she’s moving from far away to near us and wanted advice on the area/schools- fine I said. MIL a few days later messaged me this girls number and said she wants to speak to me about it- I said fine both you and your friend have my number, give it to me and I will message her.

Saw MIL today and she’s asking have I messaged X, she really wants advice on schools etc. I didn’t lose my temper but was exasperated and told her I don’t have the time and energy to chase a stranger to give her life advice. She can message me, she can Google, she can look at ofsted. I’m not going looking for extra admin tasks helping someone I don’t know and will never meet move house. If she contacts me I’ll reply. MIL and DH both now think I’m grumpy and being a bit dramatic but aaaargh! When I moved her I did it all myself! I don’t mind helping her but she needs to message first- AIBU?!

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 02/07/2023 07:18

No grandparent of currently young kids is ‘the older generation’ in any sense that would excuse not knowing you do this stuff on the internet. She’s just interfering. The sexism is what would annoy me, I’d have had to explain to her that my DH is actually a parent of children who go to school.

Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 08:11

This is a woman (the MIL) asking a woman (the OP) on behalf of another woman (the friend)

So if this is evidence that women’s time is seen as “infinite” all it confirms once again to me that it is often entirely self imposed. I get the same thought at Christmas with all the “woe me” threads about Christmas cards and baking etc. it’s not the man asking the woman to do this. He doesn’t care about Christmas cards and reality is most people don’t actually care about Christmas cards anymore or whether the dessert is homemade or bought from Sainsburys. But the woman WANTS this way and then feels put upon and angry.

I remember as a child - how stressed my mum was over Christmas and thinking - wow, Christmas is a really mad and stressful time for mums.

now I’m a single mum and our christmases are pure joy. I don’t do cards and buy most of our Christmas meal from marks! My children will grow up thinking Christmas is a chilled and indulgent and very happy affair for mums because I don’t martyr myself

CaroleSinger · 02/07/2023 08:25

In the greater scheme of things does it really matter who contacts who first? The conversation will still be the same.

Bludyhelltobenutz · 02/07/2023 17:37

My God - if I asked either of my (busy) kids to do something like that for me I’d get short shrift. YAdefinitelyNBU.

Margerine78 · 02/07/2023 17:47

There is hands down nothing more irritating than someone asking a favour of a person, then making them do all the leg work. This would piss me off too.

Ellyess · 02/07/2023 18:04

I really sympathise. For some reason my DM, no longer with us, used to tell people I would do all sorts of jobs/give advice/lend whatever to people, most of whom I didn't know and lived about 50 miles away. It got worse when my older half sister began the same. I asked why they could not oblige with the errands, I had three children, a job and was a widow. Oh no, they didn't do that kind of thing, they were too busy! Without a job, grown-up children, husband...

I think eventually I just said no. But it led to bad feeling. Sometimes you have to be tough or your unreasonable family will interfere too much and life will be impossible.

Good luck.

Ellyess · 02/07/2023 18:08

Fiddlesticks82

I love you!

You said everything I think / do!

I don't send Christmas Cards either.

Yes, it's women making work for themselves most of the time.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/07/2023 18:25

Just ping a message with 3 good schools, a park and a coffee shop. To keep the peace.
she may not even be asking MIL - she might just have offered.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/07/2023 18:55

Doesn't sound like the woman asked for advice but your DMIL offered.
Its a thing with people who want to be seen as helpful yet don't ever offer their own time.
You don't have to send anything as she has your number and can text you if she's really in need.

Winnipeg23 · 02/07/2023 20:20

The age old saga of people who have loads of time not understanding people who are already overloaded.

Quiverer · 02/07/2023 20:22

What does it matter who should get in touch with who first? How would it hurt to send off a quick text or email asking what she wants to know? If she's sorted already, she'll say so.

Riapia · 02/07/2023 21:12

Only on MN.
Life admin.
FFS.
😁😁😁

angelfacecuti75 · 03/07/2023 00:33

Maybe instead (hindsights a wonderful thing) ...maybe she does not need /want my advice as she has not messaged so i assumed she did not want it". Thus, putting the onus back on the friend , but not directly attacking mil.

Blueink · 03/07/2023 01:05

It’s not ‘life admin’ and ur building things up in your own mind, but agree DH could have this conversation

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 01:09

Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 08:11

This is a woman (the MIL) asking a woman (the OP) on behalf of another woman (the friend)

So if this is evidence that women’s time is seen as “infinite” all it confirms once again to me that it is often entirely self imposed. I get the same thought at Christmas with all the “woe me” threads about Christmas cards and baking etc. it’s not the man asking the woman to do this. He doesn’t care about Christmas cards and reality is most people don’t actually care about Christmas cards anymore or whether the dessert is homemade or bought from Sainsburys. But the woman WANTS this way and then feels put upon and angry.

I remember as a child - how stressed my mum was over Christmas and thinking - wow, Christmas is a really mad and stressful time for mums.

now I’m a single mum and our christmases are pure joy. I don’t do cards and buy most of our Christmas meal from marks! My children will grow up thinking Christmas is a chilled and indulgent and very happy affair for mums because I don’t martyr myself

Wonderful post. I hope more women start to actively decide to make choices that don’t burden them. There’s no medal for taking on so much you get stressed and it truly makes life easier for you and everyone around you. We all need to take the pressure off.

SarahDippity · 03/07/2023 01:12

You could say I did ‘someone’s life admin’ when I replied to a Mumsnet thread recently when they asked about two different areas of the city I live in - house prices, parks, activities, schools. But it’s not life admin, it was a couple of 30 second posts I wrote. It’s not that onerous, and if the crux is that MIL imposed on you rather than your DH, just tell him to fire off a quick text. It’s a small ask in my opinion. And it’s a nice thing to do.

Terryer · 03/07/2023 08:12

SarahDippity · 03/07/2023 01:12

You could say I did ‘someone’s life admin’ when I replied to a Mumsnet thread recently when they asked about two different areas of the city I live in - house prices, parks, activities, schools. But it’s not life admin, it was a couple of 30 second posts I wrote. It’s not that onerous, and if the crux is that MIL imposed on you rather than your DH, just tell him to fire off a quick text. It’s a small ask in my opinion. And it’s a nice thing to do.

Agree.

Some people's "life admin (!)" is someone else's normal daily communication with others.

Ohhoho · 03/07/2023 10:27

It sounds like it’s your MIl’s needs more than you or the mover. Which isn’t a bad thing just realistic. She would probably like to be instrumental in creating a friendship between you both and that is what you intuit. You haven’t the time or inclination. If it were simply factual you could just message her asking her specific need. Certainty don’t offer phone call.

asdfgasdfg · 16/07/2023 22:22

My delightful husband volunteered me to help his Eastern European builder friend with his CV!!!!

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