To have reached the end of my tether being asked to do life admin for a stranger

[GotMooMilk]

I’ve been struggling recently, like a lot of us really. 2 small kids, juggling 2 jobs and study to increase earning potential. Good DH who helps out but still carrying a lot of the mental load. Every week feels like a struggle at the moment and like we are both dashing from one thing to another spinning plates. Money is tight and causing a bit of stress. Working bank shifts to make extra. What lots of people are experiencing I suppose.

Anyway a friend of MIL messaged me asking if a random relative of her could get in touch with me as she’s moving from far away to near us and wanted advice on the area/schools- fine I said. MIL a few days later messaged me this girls number and said she wants to speak to me about it- I said fine both you and your friend have my number, give it to me and I will message her.

Saw MIL today and she’s asking have I messaged X, she really wants advice on schools etc. I didn’t lose my temper but was exasperated and told her I don’t have the time and energy to chase a stranger to give her life advice. She can message me, she can Google, she can look at ofsted. I’m not going looking for extra admin tasks helping someone I don’t know and will never meet move house. If she contacts me I’ll reply. MIL and DH both now think I’m grumpy and being a bit dramatic but aaaargh! When I moved her I did it all myself! I don’t mind helping her but she needs to message first- AIBU?!

‘Hi Mary, MIL said you had some questions about the area…what kind of help were you looking for?’

I would be sending this one:

’All messages will be going directly to dh for now as he is doing all admin whilst I finish my dissertation/end of year x,y and z. Looking forward to a lovely catch up when things are
quieter. Lots of love op xx’

and ignore any further messages or requests.
Repeat where necessary.

if DH so grumpy about it, why hasn't he taken the task on?

Well you did say that you would message her first, but that has passed now. You know how to answer if this situation ever arises again.

Please can I bend over backwards for a total stranger because I am so desperately needy and people pleasing that even when I am absolutely broken I still take on more, until I am seriously ill/ collapse. Whichever comes first. Aren’t I just the best ever martyr that ever lived? I have even beaten MIL! Go me.

I have a business and it has taken me years of blood sweat and hard work to get the knowledge I have. It isn’t freely available in a book and people do charge to teach or.

A friend heard about what I do and said her friend was looking at doing the same thing could I tell her all about it and what she should do.
People for some reason think I am this person they can get to do anything because I am desperate for friends.
I must admit the look of shock when I said No if your friend wants to do something then she can learn like the rest of us or pay for a course.

Most people think you have got endless time to help them by pass the boring bits.

I presume this woman has the internet and can do school visits like everyone else had to do.

It has took you more time to post all this than a quick post

hi x
not much time my children have attended xxx school and we are very happy - all schools locally are great . Try spotted … any other local fb page to get more opinions but worth looking around .

job done .

or send dh details to reply .

That’s not the point, and you know it.

It's a very old fashioned idea, giving someone the number of someone who knows about XYZ when most people will join a local Facebook group or whatever instead, which will be far more useful. The friend of your MIL probably doesn't actually intend to contact you and was probably just being polite when your MIL suggested it. MIL will have thought she's doing a helpful thing, but it's really not that helpful to anyone.

Tell DH to message her then. He can message her a local FB group and she can use that to get all her info. Start asking MIL to do things for you.

I think it would have been easier for you to call or message her as per your convenience..

Is 'You said you'd message her' the new 'Cancel the cheque'?

The onus is definitely on her to get in touch but as a pp says it's probably not her idea in the first place and she's probably just as fed up with her relatives nagging her to get in touch.

YANBU Perhaps the person doesn't even want your help as they can find out stuff for themselves. I think the older generation don't understand that most things ppl need to know can be found online, we don't need someone with local knowledge to find out things like schools etc. So perhaps it's MIL's idea rather than the person needing help.

However, I wouldn't make a thing of it - as you said it was fine for her to contact you just Just wait for her to message and do a quick reply "Our go to school X, I hear X and X are good too. Y school not recommended though. Ofsted reports are on line and worth a read" job done. Doesn't have to be in depth.

This is exactly what I thought. The poor woman is also probably getting it in the neck from her side "have you messaged random stranger yet??" "but have you messaged her yet?"

It does sound like an over-reaction based on irritation with your MIL and your DH. His refusal to take his share of family responsibilities sounds like the basis of the problem.

MIL's friend's daughter has no idea what's going on and is probably mortified at the idea of her mum trying to link her up with a stranger. I'd message her to say that if she has questions she's free to ask but that she would get a broader response if she asked on the local FB page.

And next time your MIL suggests you take something on, say no.

I'm of this opinion too.

My dad is terrible for doing this, has a conversation with someone about something and it ends up going like this 'you should speak to so and so about that. They'll know all about this stuff. They'll help you out'. The person he's talking to hasn't actually asked for help, and the person who's help he's offered, has no clue, and probably no time.

Can you not just say "Sorry I know I'd said I would but I've been rushed off my feet lately so not got round to it. Please tell her to message me any questions she has and I'll do my best to respond if I get a minute.'

Or

'Sorry I haven't had a chance, tbh life is a bit manic right now and I don't have the time and shouldn't have said I would.'

A telephone call or WhatsApp conversation is not life admin.

You said you would do it.

This sort of thread always puzzles me. The Op could have actually done the task in the time it took her to post about it on here!

I agree with other posters. Either your MIL has offered help that wasn't requested/ wanted or the person is expecting all the effort to come from you and your MIL has overpromised that it will! I'm a lawyer and I get contacted by people saying their friend/relative needs legal advice or career advice for getting into the law. I'm actually not allowed to give legal advice/ do legal work outside my workplace as my profin insurance doesn't cover it. I used to say I was happy to give someone a few pointers, informally, but it was almost always met with gripes that what they actually wanted was for me to draft a written advice, or a letter of claim, or redraft a cv. All of which would take hours of my precious free time and I'd get sour looks as if I was being "mean" to say so. And often they wanted me to do all the running and contact them etc and often no thanks or acknowledgement for anything i did provide. Now I just say sorry I can't help, I'm not allowed, unless it's someone I really like and know isn't a pisstaker.

I don’t understand this.

If your DH thinks you’re being grumpy about this-why doesn’t he message this woman?

This is a tad over dramatic. A couple of WhatsApp messages is hardly bending over backwards and being a martyr.

No. You don't understand. It's wifework.
Not for busy, important men.

Then don’t offer to do it. It isn’t hard 🤷‍♀️