To have reached the end of my tether being asked to do life admin for a stranger

[GotMooMilk]

I’ve been struggling recently, like a lot of us really. 2 small kids, juggling 2 jobs and study to increase earning potential. Good DH who helps out but still carrying a lot of the mental load. Every week feels like a struggle at the moment and like we are both dashing from one thing to another spinning plates. Money is tight and causing a bit of stress. Working bank shifts to make extra. What lots of people are experiencing I suppose.

Anyway a friend of MIL messaged me asking if a random relative of her could get in touch with me as she’s moving from far away to near us and wanted advice on the area/schools- fine I said. MIL a few days later messaged me this girls number and said she wants to speak to me about it- I said fine both you and your friend have my number, give it to me and I will message her.

Saw MIL today and she’s asking have I messaged X, she really wants advice on schools etc. I didn’t lose my temper but was exasperated and told her I don’t have the time and energy to chase a stranger to give her life advice. She can message me, she can Google, she can look at ofsted. I’m not going looking for extra admin tasks helping someone I don’t know and will never meet move house. If she contacts me I’ll reply. MIL and DH both now think I’m grumpy and being a bit dramatic but aaaargh! When I moved her I did it all myself! I don’t mind helping her but she needs to message first- AIBU?!

‘Life admin’ 😂

Bloody hell, it takes all of 10min to message about schools and locations. Can't you do that? I say this as a full time working single parent of 2 small kids who has given the same sort of schools advice to loads!

You have enough time to post on mumsnet!

Don't give it second thought. Just tell your in laws to give her your number as you're busy and don't know what her questions are, and if she really wants to get this information, she will contact you. I made fool of myself few times researching the information someone needed to hear "oh I don't need it anymore as I bought/done something else, thanks".

Totally understand and sympathise

The other thing to bear in mind, is that if you offer some advice on school choice for example, and they take that advice and then something goes wrong, then you become the problem.

Just send her a message saying hi and that joining a local Facebook group would be helpful as you can get insights and views on fifferents schools, Dr's dentists etc etc.

You said you would contact her. I hardly think having a conversation with someone is life admin. Messaging on mumsnet to total strangers takes longer...

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that she needs to message you if she wants to, and then you give her whatever information/advice is quick and easy for you to give. She may well not want to contact you at all!

I think it is unreasonable and a bit dramatic for you to waste so much emotional energy getting worked up and grumpy about it. Just remind your MIL that you are happy for you to contact you, but she hasn't. Not a big deal.

Yep obvious answer . If DH thinks you're being grumpy he can bloody call her. This sort of thing drives me nuts.

Text messaging via computer is a million times easier. You can cut and paste text and links and generally look like you've done loads of work.

This thread is mind blowing. Mildly amusing to see how many didn't see ops correction.

But ffs, why onnearth would you contact her directly?! For a start, what info does she need?! Info about schools.is hugely varied. Eg if I was looking at a new area and wanted an insiders opinion I wouldn't be asking about co ed vs single sex as I could get that online. I would be asking if they have a good reputation for SEN issues as that's what I need. Or I might ask if the culture at the school is genuinely as warm and fuzzy as yhe website suggests or whatever. So OP could proactively reach out to this woman, which is not necessary in the first place, and then land up giving her totally irrelevant info anyway.

I work as a Relocation Consultant.
I get very well paid for doing stuff like that because it’s time consuming and can be difficult to get right.
YANBU

Thanks for the responses both good and bad! I get it doesn’t seem bad just feels like ‘another thing’! Have told DH I’m leaving it with him and he’s happy with that.
parenthood man, its gard

Hard!

Especially so if you have aDH that thinks your OTT and dramatic but doesn’t suggest he do it instead.

and… well, in your shoes, I wouldn’t have started the mumsnet thread but instead spend the time sending the text I suggested upthread. Essentially - “I can’t be much help as our children only been to X school, but I can say that we have been very happy with it. all the best with your search”

she needs to do her own research and make her own mind up.

Oh my gosh- this!!! So so true.

Well you've got 2 young kids- there's something she can help with 'oh MIL I wish I had the time to message random people about this sort of stuff - by the way Billy has swimming and Teddy has gymnastics on Mondays and Wednesdays- we really need the extra money if I work a couple of extra shifts would you be a dear and drop them off for me?' Start asking for help! She's obviously got time.

You could have messaged them in the time it took you to write this post. But I get your point.

I can be frustrated by those who sit around waiting for you to take initiative - have got a work contact who is forever banging on about meetings when an email would do, trying to guilt others into sending the invite… but this case really just sounds like two busybody older women trying to force a connection between two very busy mums.

It does feel like maybe something of my grandmother’s generation, who definitely had her hands full with young children, but she didn’t have a job in top of it (or digital information tools). A convo with a random adult would probably have sounded great to her.

Lots of casual ageism on this thread! Older women know perfectly well how much information there is online. Many of us have been using the Internet all or most of our adult lives. Most of us worked outside the home when our children were young, too. Thoughtless people who lack empathy and imagination are found in all age groups.

That’s really interesting

@Appleblossompetal both men and women thought the same too - so women even see their own time as infinite.

I think it’s all to do with ‘women’s work’ not being respected

It's really not that hard.
If you've got time to post on MN then you've got time to message her.
Yes your DH could do it but you probably know more about the schools than him.
If I was moving with kids, I'd love some real life advice not just what the website says as every school thinks they are the best.
Just message her.

This sort of answer always puzzles me ……