Being consistently left on read for days on WhatsApp

[Mummy2022FT]

Some people are notorious for doing this.

They will just unapologetically ignore your message while posting selfies on social media knowing full well you can see.

I have my moments sometimes, as does everyone I think, although I'm certainly not a repeat offender.

Let me give an example, (reason for the thread);

My friend and I got pregnant together (unplanned) we attend the same mother and baby class. I will text her "Hi, are you going to class tomorrow?" Something like that. Or, on the rare occasion she'll text me something similar. I'll reply within reasonable time and then.. .. you guessed it...

No reply. For days.

Sometimes not at all and then I'll see her at the next baby group and she'll be grinning like a Cheshire Cat like nothings happened BUT the whole time she's out and about, posting selfies on social media etc.

It really offends me and kind of irritates me too. (I would never be irritated or offended by this if it were a one off but it happens consistently with this person)

Maybe I should just stop texting her. Even though she's sweet in person. Which Is why I'm confused.

Lastly, not to sound controversial, I understand something a lot of people say to this is "they're busy" or "you don't know what's going on in their head". It's a tricky one. Because I get that. But come on......

I actually understand and agree with 90% of users opinions here when 'arguing' (let's say) against my point.

I think I mean quite extreme here. I don't mean 24hrs, I mean like 4/5 days. IMO, it does end up being rude and inconsiderate. And you clearly can't possibly value that person all that much.

Also, not to mention, If it were a stranger, someone online for example, I wouldn't even think about it. I'm taking about actual real life friends here.

Not trying to get all smart arsey here either but the average time spent on a smart phone PER DAY in the UK is like 3/4 hours. That's just something to think about for the people that say "oh I'm so busy!"

When we go out in public, everyone has their phone in their hand or close by. My point is, when someone doesn't reply for days you're not important to them

@Number111

I agree, it's so rude. They wouldn't ignore you if you asked a question to their face so why do it on a message. There's a difference between taking hours or even a day or two to get back to someone and ignoring them completely. I wouldn't do it to other people, I've waited a day or two but I wouldn't completely ignore someone because I'm not rude. I no longer message these kind of people.

Thank you. Completely agree with you. Speaking of which, i certainly won't be messaging said 'friend' again! I know where I stand now

@TinaYouFatLard

I find it hard to explain why, but I absolutely hate the felling of needing to reply to messages, especially within a timeframe. Just fuck off and leave me alone. Honestly it makes me feel weirdly claustrophobic.

This feeling i know. But I get this feeling only from people who I'm not very close to, not sure about, or don't particularly like!

The thing that gets me is that people don’t reply but post on social media. I totally agreed. It’s just rude and shows they don’t prioritise you.

You sound like an entitled knob whose air of superiority will be your undoing. Probably very ordinary person trying really hard to extraordinary.

If someone messages me with a question I'll respond (in due course) and we might have a chat back and forth over the space of a few hours/days but there always comes a point where one person just doesn't reply for whatever reason. The WhatsApp conversation comes to a natural end till the next time one of you asks a question.

The amount of times I've looked at a message in the car or at work or out shopping and thought "I'll respond later" and then just simply forgot. No malice intended, it's just WhatsApp!

Maybe she would respond to her boyfriend, or mother more quickly than to you but most people would prioritise these relationships.

I think the difference is in our expectations. I don’t expect to be “important” to friends I meet doing clubs, lasses or hobbies. I expect to enjoy their company during those events, and possibly outside of them, and to engage with them to facilitate that (that is, maybe exchanging messages relating to an event or organisation, possibly a little chat about it if we are both in the mood). I don’t want much more than that from them, and I don’t want to be much more than that to them. That’s why I’m happy to reply or not reply as I see fit, and for them to do the same to me.

Yes just go into your privacy settings and you can turn off read recipes and last seen online.

Receipts - bloody predictive text

If I need a reply by a certain time I will give them a call.

Because it takes a lot more effort to write out a reply via message than it does to verbalise a response to a spoken question so it’s not always possible to reply immediately. If somebody asked you a question and said, ‘Don’t reply now, reply later’ then I bet lots of people would fail to remember to actually recall they had a question still to answer.

If somebody gets a message at an inconvenient time and so can’t reply immediately, how are they supposed to remember hours later that they need to reply? My brain just doesn’t work that way and I’m sure lots of other people are like that to, I might pick up my phone 100 times across the day but that doesn’t mean I’ll remember someone messaged me first thing in the morning. Maybe if I happened to open WhatsApp and saw their earlier message at the top of my conversations, but I mostly open messages via the notification banner which brings me straight to the conversation so don’t see the main list of conversations. If I was on my phone on TikTok or taking photos or on Facebook/ instagram/ mumsnet etc that isn’t going to prompt me to remember to reply to a message, so it could be I had somebody left on read and was being active on my phone later but I wouldn’t be making any conscious effort not to reply. Unless I literally set myself reminders to reply to a message later when I open and read it it’s just not likely to come to mind again but it’s not intentional and my life isn’t even that busy, I honestly don’t understand how people with kids ever remember to do anything?

Sometimes the thought of replying to a message fills me with anxiety. I don't know if I'm going to the class yet so I will make my mind up and then decide. Oh dear, now I've had an overwhelming and overstimulating day and I still don't know if I'm going to the class, and it's the evening now anyway so I will reply in the morning. Now it's the morning but I overslept and my baby had a blowout so I've had a stressful morning and can barely form a though. I'll reply when I've got home and everything has calmed down. Oh crap I forgot to reply yesterday and now it's been 2 days and the anxiety of replying to that message makes me feel sick when I look at it and she probably hates me already for not replying.

If you're not neurodivergent you might not understand but sometimes it's actually not about you, it's a battle inside my own brain and I hate myself for it even more than you hate me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not saying this applies to your friend but it's the usual reason I don't reply to messages.

@AGoodDayForSomebodyElseToDie

I think the difference is in our expectations. I don’t expect to be “important” to friends I meet doing clubs, lasses or hobbies. I expect to enjoy their company during those events, and possibly outside of them, and to engage with them to facilitate that (that is, maybe exchanging messages relating to an event or organisation, possibly a little chat about it if we are both in the mood). I don’t want much more than that from them, and I don’t want to be much more than that to them. That’s why I’m happy to reply or not reply as I see fit, and for them to do the same to me.

Completely agree. And I quite like those type of friends.

This friend I'm talking about though, is someone I classed (albeit wrongly) as a close, genuine friend. We were friends before we had children.

So yes, you could say my expectations are completely different for this person than someone i know only from a 'mum club'

I swipe down, then swipe back up so the notification is still there to remind me to reply later if I can't reply at the time.
I'm also busy most of the time, but still manage not to be rude.
Anyhow in the ops case, a reply would have taken a couple of seconds, a simple yes, no or I'm not sure, I'll let you know. Who doesn't have time for a 2 second reply for a whole week.

Obviously no one can speak for anyone else so she might be just rude, or she might just work differently to you. I am definitely guilty of things like this (and I'm not defending it, I am aware that it is probably very frustrating- I'm just giving an insight into my thought process to show that's it's more of a reflection of me than the person who is messaging me) but i frequently feel like I don't have headspace for anything. So in your example, someone messages me to ask if I'm going to the next class, and I see the message pop up, and my brain goes into shut down because I just can't make that decision right now, so I don't open the message, fully intending to think about it this evening once I have "time to think", and then I forget, and then once I remember it's midnight so I think oh I'll reply in the morning, and then the morning arrives and if it's a friend who I know will be frustrated that I haven't replied straight away I then get anxious because I think, do I say "sorry for the delayed reply, I didn't get a chance yesterday" but then that might be more annoying because obviously from an outsiders perspective of course I had then chance, it only take 30 seconds to reply, but in my headspace I really didn't have the space for it, so then because replying is making me feel stressed, I bury my head in the sand and think "I'll just reply later"- repeat ad nauseam until a week has passed and then I see the person and I can either apologise (but then the person things that I'm just being fake) or act breezy because I don't want to face my own shortcomings (also not a great option)...
In my personal experience the friends that I value the most are the ones who just understand that the way I am is a reflection of me and not them, but then I am more likely to reply quicker to those people (I.e within a day or two) because I don't feel stressed about they slight delay in response because they know that when I say "sorry I'm a bit late getting back to you" that I actually mean it, and it's not because I don't value their time etc etc.

Again, not excusing it or saying that everyone needs to accept me as I am, just trying to give an insight into how my head works (often against me).

@productiveprocrastinator

In my personal experience the friends that I value the most are the ones who just understand that the way I am is a reflection of me and not them, but then I am more likely to reply quicker to those people (I.e within a day or two) because I don't feel stressed about they slight delay in response because they know that when I say "sorry I'm a bit late getting back to you" that I actually mean it, and it's not because I don't value their time etc etc.

Thanks for your comment.

The above is what really stood out to me and is part of my greater point. It's who we want to reply to. Who we like. Who we value. Who we're comfortable with.

For me, it's all about how you mentally organise SM messages.

I'm careful to mute all apps and not swipe messages as read so that I can read and process them all at a convenient time when I'd actually reply - but I had to learn that discipline.

Much easier with texts and emails which I can mark as unread to deal with later.

I would say that the entitled part, in my view, is where you talk about her posting and active on SM when she could be replying. She's entitled to go on her profile without messaging you.

I don’t personally embrace the dichotomy - club friends are “genuine” friends, just not with the expectations you have of this friend of yours. Friends are just people you like who also like you, after all.

“Close” friends are a different matter. I don’t really believe in the permanence of closeness that some people do in friendship. You may have been close historically but lives are in constant flux and people’s priorities change. You clearly are out of step with your friend’s expectations of this friendship, but I don’t personally think that makes her rude. It’s just life - things change, friendships ebb and flow, sometimes they end entirely.

If you don’t like how she responds to you (or doesn’t), then you should absolutely do what you see fit to distance yourself. You don’t need anyone’s permission for that. But it is a mutual withdrawal and not your friend being rude or unreasonable.

@Mummy2022FT yes I think you probably are right, but I suppose my point would be that if you value her then you could also think about why she might not feel as comfortable with you, rather than focussing on why she is rude/uncaring/in the wrong.

You are under absolutely no obligation to of course, in the same way that she isn't obliged to reply straight away, but valuing each other is two way and it sounds like you are annoyed/hurt that you feel she doesn't value you as you are but maybe not reflecting on whether you value her or not.

I like to think that my friends know that I value them not by how quickly I reply but by thinking about whether I am there for them when they need me, whether I listen to them, whether they enjoy spending time with me when we are together, whether they feel that I judge them etc etc.

If you feel she is a good friend in other ways and you want to continue the friendship then you might need to accept this side of her and also accept that it's not a reflection of you. If she isn't a good friend in other ways then it's not worth it anyway 🤷‍♀️

I like how this is worded.

I don't go along with the whole "best friends" "close friends" thing - friendships change depending on a whole number of factors - where you are in life, your jobs, hobbies, children, the time of year, pets, family stresses - all sorts.

I don't think that "no response" automatically equals "I don't care" and I think that's quite a controlling way to view a friendship, personally speaking.

OP, it kind of feels like you're determined to read something negative into her behaviour. If you find her leaving you on read annoying, then you've every right to not bother with her. But plenty of people are saying that not replying to a text has nothing to do with how much they like or value a person, and you're just cherry picking the ones that are saying this woman must not care about you.

You don't need to find an excuse - if someone's behaviour doesn't work for you, you don't need to be their friend!

"There is no such thing as an important Text"
Is our house rule.
If it really warrants a reply then we call.

Also, some people just don’t get the bloody hint when you want to stop texting. They just keep replying and expecting another response.

I’m like this, I may glance at a message quickly whilst at work and think I’ll reply when at home, then it slips my mind.

if you need a response, phone them!

I agree! I really can’t see the point of texting someone who literally never replies. Stop doing it! You don’t have to continue doing something that makes you feel rubbish. It’s liberating when you realise this