Being consistently left on read for days on WhatsApp

[Mummy2022FT]

Some people are notorious for doing this.

They will just unapologetically ignore your message while posting selfies on social media knowing full well you can see.

I have my moments sometimes, as does everyone I think, although I'm certainly not a repeat offender.

Let me give an example, (reason for the thread);

My friend and I got pregnant together (unplanned) we attend the same mother and baby class. I will text her "Hi, are you going to class tomorrow?" Something like that. Or, on the rare occasion she'll text me something similar. I'll reply within reasonable time and then.. .. you guessed it...

No reply. For days.

Sometimes not at all and then I'll see her at the next baby group and she'll be grinning like a Cheshire Cat like nothings happened BUT the whole time she's out and about, posting selfies on social media etc.

It really offends me and kind of irritates me too. (I would never be irritated or offended by this if it were a one off but it happens consistently with this person)

Maybe I should just stop texting her. Even though she's sweet in person. Which Is why I'm confused.

Lastly, not to sound controversial, I understand something a lot of people say to this is "they're busy" or "you don't know what's going on in their head". It's a tricky one. Because I get that. But come on......

And that’s why my privacy settings are no read receipts and no last seen online so nobody knows if I’ve read their message or not and I can reply in my own time

I'm the same.
I don't owe anyone my time, if it's important I'll reply but if it's a hello how are you? No way am i going to waste my time making small talk. I had a friend who used to do this all day and every day and it blagged my head so badly.

OP I say this with kindness but this repeated behaviour kind of denotes that she does not value you as much as you do her.
Ask yourself without the baby class how much interaction you would have?
Does she ever instigate meeting?
Sounds like a friendly acquaintance to me. Which btw has value too.
So I think YANBU as her actions indicate she is not seeing you in the same way. She may well respond more promptly to others she sees as important / closer friends.
Tbf as you know having a baby is a full time role so don't take it personally.

*YABU

She just probably looks at your message and thinks hmm not sure if I'm going to baby group, need to check my calendar/ don't really want to go but will if something better doesn't turn up notices another message and gets distracted. She probably also thinks you don't really need an answer as you're going anyway.
Or, she doesn't use WhatsApp much.

Also this is why modern technology sucks, in the 90s you'd see a friend in person and have a proper catch up and go home and think nothing of it till you saw them again.
Nowadays, it seems everyone wants everyone's time and energy because of a phone. Not everyone enjoys being at others beck and call.

I love how the post is written and the information is conveyed to the readers.

This is going to sound bad but if I like someone a lot, i'll reply to them straight away and if I don't, I leave them on read because i'm not that interested and cba.

@Irequireausername

Nope, you don't sound bad! I get it. And I think deep, deep down everyone knows this. Hence my reason for this thread as I'm now paranoid as I'm subconsciously aware she can't value my friendship all that much.

Do I think she'd take 5+ days to reply to her boyfriend or her mum? (Don't forget I know her On a personal level) Hell no!

^ This

It's rude.. Fake friends!

If she's got time to post selfies and give status updates, and has clearly read your message and not bothered to reply, then in my opinion she's being very rude and she doesn't deserve you as a friend.

A real friend would not behave like this, because they wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

One 'friend' would message me. I would reply and she would read the reply and not message back, sometimes for days, sometimes never. She did this a few times.

I spoke to her about it and explained how it made me feel as a friend. She argued how 'busy' she was etc..(so busy tho that she still had time to post selfies)

It was annoying because sometimes she was the one who would message me first, just to ignore my reply.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she did it again.

The next time she messaged me I didn't bother to read the message or even reply.

Another 'friend' was equally bad. Would never reply to messages that she'd clearly read.

This 'friend' arranged to go to the park at a certain time. I go there and she's nowhere to be seen. I ring, message etc and no answer.

We were meeting others there. They were on time. She eventually turns up over 2 hours later, and I see her sitting and laughing with one of the group.

She had some lame excuse about her phone not working properly. Even if that were true with no apology for bring late, it shows complete disrespect for others.

Some people haven't a clue about what being a friend is.

She's no longer a friend and I have no regrets.

When people show you that they are not real friends, don't be afraid to cut them out of your life.

It's rude. They're always the people who have been 'sooooo busy' implying the rest of us do fuck all and our time is less important.

Just stop messaging.

I'm the same.
I don't owe anyone my time, if it's important I'll reply but if it's a hello how are you? No way am i going to waste my time making small talk. I had a friend who used to do this all day and every day and it blagged my head so badly.

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks

Small talk on the other hand I totally agree. When I get the 'hey how are you' from someone I havent heard from in months and who is not actually my real friend. I'm like urghhhh. But this backs up my point, we reply to who we want to reply to (In other words who we value more)

I value me the most, which is why I don't bother replying. If someone wanted to speak to me that badly, they'd ring me.

I would just presume we're not as good friends as I'd thought and cool it right down in person.

@Mummy2022FT

... .If I'm being brutally honest here, would you say me expecting the bare minimum of a simple reply to a WhatsApp text an entitlement? (Not in a rude way a genuine question!) ....

So let's go with a simple reply:

"Dunno yet"

Would you have been happy with that OP?

I suspect not. Bloody hell if I had someone demanding info about my weekly plans, I'd leave it unread too.

Also, it's quite boring to type a long-winded friendly reply. She prolly likes you but thinks you're a bit extra if she is consistently leaving your WhatsApp msgs unread.

The difference between a Whatsapp message and SM is that the Whatsapp message comes at a convenient time FOR YOU. If I get it while working or busy I can't respond right away and like everyone sometimes forget to respond later if it wasn't an important message.

Choosing to post on SM is when it's convenient FOR ME. The 2 aren't connected.

If your friend is like this - and I'm assuming she is - it's nothing personal. You said she also messages you sometimes so it's not that she's ignoring you.

OP I say this with kindness but this repeated behaviour kind of denotes that she does not value you as much as you do her.
Ask yourself without the baby class how much interaction you would have?
Does she ever instigate meeting?
Sounds like a friendly acquaintance to me. Which btw has value too.
So I think YANBU as her actions indicate she is not seeing you in the same way. She may well respond more promptly to others she sees as important / closer friends.
Tbf as you know having a baby is a full time role so don't take it personally.

@Moonshine5

I absolutely agree with you!

It boils down to the fact she doesn't value my friendship.

And her actions show she does see me as just an acquaintance.

Oh well, her loss I guess

Well I would say that whether it’s reasonable to “expect” a reply to a message depends entirely on the content of the message. A direct question, important in nature or with a time constraint, would demand an answer, whereas a chatty, unimportant ramble wouldn’t.

I have friends who seem to want to conduct long and convoluted conversations over text, and they do get ignored when it isn’t convenient. I have other friends who don’t always respond to my messages and only reply as and when it is important. Both are fine - they’re just different styles of communication, and both have their advantages and disadvantages. I find the chatty texters more difficult than the taciturn ones, but I don’t think either group are innately rude.

I see things quite differently to what's been said.

If she's not sure about going then she could say so, instead of not bothering to reply. We are adults after all.

Also, if she doesn't want to 'waste her time' making 'small talk' then she could say 'I'm a bit busy right now', instead of 'airing' your messages.

In my opinion to ignore someone's message after they have taken the time to contact me is rude. I am not expecting a reply straight away, but to not reply for over a week, or to never reply at all is simply rude.

I don't consider any of my friends 'time wasters',otherwise I would not have them as friends.

I do this. I don’t mean to do it but if I open a message and don’t reply there and then you can almost guarantee I won’t remember to reply for ages, it’s like once that notification is gone I completely forget that there was a message. Then usually when I do remember I need to reply it’s when I can’t like when i’m in the car or lying in bed at 2am, I forget again and then by the time I do remember when I’m with my phone and have time to reply I feel like too much time has passed and start overthinking the reply and get anxious and put it off and then before I know it it’s been 2 weeks and that message is still sitting on read. I do it with everyone; close friends, family, acquaintances. It’s an issue at work as well where I will leave important emails I replied to.

I am awaiting assessments for adhd and autism and also have social anxiety. I feel like it takes a lot of mental effort for me to reply to messages, I overthink and rewrite them so many times because I worry about how my reply will be judged. Even a one sentence reply to an inane question might take me 15 minutes to actually compose so it’s not as easy as just reply there and then. I’m very detail focused so I find it hard to just send a quick message as well, I feel I need to make sure I’ve covered every base. Essentially I find communicating via Whatsapp etc really difficult, I’m just not good at it and I find it emotionally draining, I’m also very much ‘out of sight out of mind’ and in many ways I’d prefer not to have to contact my friends and family in between seeing them, unless to literally arrange a time and a place to next see them. That probably does seem rude to people who can have interesting or heartfelt conversations via messenger apps but it is just hard work for me.

MolkosTeenageAngst.. This is a very good explanation and completely understandable. If friends and family take it personally that you do not reply to their messages, then it is them who are being unreasonable because you are not doing anything intentionally to hurt their feelings.

This 👆

Personally, I work on the basis that if something needs a quick response, I call. I expect others to do the same. Email, sms, WhatsApp etc are all secondary and only require a response when time allows. I do not check messages / email regularly, and my phone sometimes marks them as 'read' as they have been sent to my watch display. It doesn't mean I've actually read and absorbed the contents.

I didn’t know you could turn the blue ticks off!

I find it hard to explain why, but I absolutely hate the felling of needing to reply to messages, especially within a timeframe. Just fuck off and leave me alone. Honestly it makes me feel weirdly claustrophobic.

I agree, it's so rude. They wouldn't ignore you if you asked a question to their face so why do it on a message. There's a difference between taking hours or even a day or two to get back to someone and ignoring them completely. I wouldn't do it to other people, I've waited a day or two but I wouldn't completely ignore someone because I'm not rude. I no longer message these kind of people.

Same, it's really intrusive. Why pressurise someone to engage. If I'm at the class then you'll see me there.