To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

It's not that they get "cumudgeonly". They are old, tired, possibly in pain, limited mobility, grieving, unable to easily do all the things they once could which is endlessly depressing and frustrating, more diagnosed 'conditions' that they didn't have when they were younger, lonely, cut-off, not technically savvy and not able to keep up with the world, struggling financially, conscious of their mortality...

If an older person is experiencing any or some of the aforementioned - surely it would be possible to display a little compassion for his ignorance???

Apart from anything else, there is a huge difference between being in one's seventies or eighties, or even nineties. I don't know how old you are, but whatever it is, imagine someone lumping you in with someone twenty or thirty years younger - or older - than you are now.

Lumping them all together and expecting them all to be the same Is both agist and all sorts of other -ists too, given that this huge demography will have a huge variety of social and professional backgrounds.

The ignorance of youth - or the middle-aged! I only wish I could be around in thirty or forty years times to see just how well - ha ha ha - you have all adapted to whatever the socially-acceptable norms are then. I am 100% sure that many of you will be saying and doing things that you say/do now but that the younger generations no longer find acceptable!

I think a lot of racism comes from fear of the unknown.

Someone said to me the other day, that humans all tend to stick to people that are most like them. Be it similiar race, similiar level of education, upbringing.

We gravitate towards what is familiar to us.

In Ireland I have to say, I tend to see the Irish stick together. We have a huge Polish community. They all tend to stick together. That is nothing to do with race as most Irish and polish are white. However they stick to their own similiar nationality. What they know best I guess

Like in a workplace, I see all the Polish people stick together, and I see all the Irish stick together.

They talk to each other. But when it comes to making really close friends the Polish stick with the Polish, and the Irish stick with the Irish.

People gravitate towards people that are similiar to them. It's not to do with race. White people from different countries also seperate themesleves from white people from other countries

if being capable of not making racist comments equates to perfection, then yes, I suppose I am!

The op don't owe him anything he has carer looking after him. Who would want to talk to someone who is ignorant regardless of age.

Well, I would. Ignorance can be addressed. And the OP said: "He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour."

did you miss the bit where he went on a BNP rant about foreign nurses?

Can you quote that ? Because all I saw was an inappropriate misguided comment about the nurse being Muslim. I mean I might have missed the post about bnp ranting?

'He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

Did you read the OP? She said he had made racists comments. BEFORE making the one about religion. So he's made at least three comments.

Yes, thankfully just you.
The rest of us have compassion for our vulnerable lonely old neighbours.

A lot of my older friends have hearing issues and English spoken with any strong accent can be very difficult to understand, so his comments about the nursing staff are pretty common and not especially unreasonable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly wouldn't care about old people being racist. For a start - they are old and not in their full mental capacities. They are not going to change at their age. I wouldn't agree with everything they said, but I don't think I would try to change what they say.

yes, old people complain about the NHS staff, most are foreign

🙄And people truly think they aren't racist making comments like this.

No, not just them.

Most of us aren't racist enablers and have morals and values.

this

That generation used to refer to black people as "coloureds". He doesn't mean to be offensive, it's just the way a lot of old people are. Just don't get into conversations about ethnicity/politics/religion, and if he starts, change the subject

Years of working with older people

To be fair, I've had medical examinations etc by non-English doctors and nurses, and sometimes it IS very difficult to understand what they are saying to you because their accents are strong - and this is particularly so when, like me, you are a bit hard of hearing.

I've never doubted their competence, but if I'm not able to understand what they are telling me about my condition, it doesn't make it easy. This isn't racism, or prejudice - it's an observation.

Yes. It's racist.

Racist?

What about you being ageist?

indeed, there is ageist remarks here.

His comments sound ignorant rather than racist. I have come into contact with elderly people that don't understand that some things aren't ok to say about religion, race, sexual orientation. Many of these people don't socialise often or only socialise with the same people they always have, so they don't get a chance to learn what is and what is now not acceptable to say.

Are you sure you have got the right person? ?? Not once on here have I made any ageist comment. Not once. In fact, those justifying his racism based on his age, are the ones being ageist.