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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't get a job!

88 replies

mamalama86 · 28/06/2023 21:23

So my DH and I had our first child 6 months ago. Before I started maternity leave he had been out of work for months and living on savings.

I reassured him that with my maternity pay and savings I could see us through for a good few months and ideally he would aim to be working again by the time the baby is around 3-4 months old.

We're now 6 months in and he's only recently started looking for jobs and that's because I've pushed and we've had a few arguments about it. I have enough money saved to see us through until I go back to work in January but I think it's important he starts now so we can make our plan about childcare etc when I return to work.

I don't think he's all that serious about finding something. I got upset the other day because my boss will want to know soon whether I'm coming back full time/part time etc. I told him I really want to drop 1 day a week and hopefully if he finds something soon then he can do that too if he wants too and financially it makes sense. His response was 'well you'll just have to figure it out then'...basically implying that it's all on me to provide 100% for the family and I have to work full time while he 'looks for work'.(my salary will not support us comfortably).

We had another bust up today and he's saying he's looking for work, but I'm just not convinced he's bothered.

AIBU to push this hard? Should I be considering an ultimatum eventually?

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 28/06/2023 21:25

Why are you putting up with this?

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2023 21:26

Eventually?

This should have been sorted out before you got pregnant or as soon as he was out of work. Whichever came first

Is he at least making himself useful at home?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2023 21:27

Oh dear. Why wasn’t he working? How long had he been unemployed? Is he doing much parenting? Do you think he’s angling to be a SAHP?

Yodapie · 28/06/2023 21:27

He sounds like a loser! Why are you with him?

veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 21:28

What's he doing all day?

ProfessorXtra · 28/06/2023 21:29

Sounds like he is pushing you into a position where he becomes the sahd.

Then you would really be trapped.

Sahp should be a joint decision. If he ends up as a sahd, you will end up staying so he doesn’t end up having the kids the majority of time. As a sahp he will likely get a bigger chunk of the assets.

Having a sahp is a risky move for both sides. And no one should ever feel forced into financing their partner doing this, if they aren’t 100% on board

Probationnotontarget · 28/06/2023 21:34

You made the mistake of implying you could support you all for a long time.

He needs to be applying for jobs or benefits.

Nursejackie1 · 28/06/2023 21:36

I think you have been more than reasonable.
The fact he’s not fully invested in getting a job and is happy to sponge off you would be making me want to get rid now. Otherwise my advice would be he gets a job or he’s gone. He’s taking the utter piss.

Peppermint81 · 28/06/2023 21:36

I'd say well if your not working by the time I go back to work you will have to look after baby all day as won't be able to afford nursery.
That will get him moving!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/06/2023 21:36

Why did you essentially give him so many months without working? 50/50 of all bills including childcare or split imo

MavisMcMinty · 28/06/2023 21:37

He probably resents you “not having to work”, and/or he’s got too used to not working. My OH did this for a long time, and I had to starve him back to work eventually, as I could live on Ryvita for the rest of my life but he couldn’t. Just wish I’d done it earlier.

Original poster
mamalama86 · 28/06/2023 21:38

I think I needed to hear others say this is a bit much isn't it?!

He left his last workplace because it was a dreadful place to work, but as he's freelanced before he said that would do until he found something more solid. Trouble is, he hasn't really had any freelance work come through. He has one or two clients, which is barely a couple of hours of work a week.

The rest of the time he is either 'looking for work' spending time in his office or helping me with the baby. I make him sound awful but he is a great dad. I don't want to push him to do more of the parenting because I want him looking for a job you know?

Ugh I'm so frustrated and yeah, maybe he's angling to become the sahp. I really don't think either of us can be with the way the cost of living is at the moment.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 28/06/2023 21:43

He is a great dad, knows you can’t afford for one to stay at home….but his attitude is that all the financial responsibility for the house hold is now yours.

That doesn’t sound like a great partner or parent.

samqueens · 28/06/2023 22:02

If he is massively stepping up with the baby and suggesting (in his own mind, not when pushed) that he wants to be sahp and increase freelance so he works on you day off… well that’s one thing, worth discussing etc

BUT it doesn’t sound anything like that, and it will not get better if he doesn’t feel he needs to take on significant responsibility for either the baby or work or both.

honestly? If you kick him out now and sort the separation before you go back to work, you’ll be entitled to significantly more govt help and support than if he’s there.

Also looking after only one baby will make your life much easier.

ItsBarbieBitchhhh · 28/06/2023 22:02

These types of threads are getting more and more frequent. I’m no longer with my kids dad because he just wouldn’t get a job. All of this wallowing and ‘oh they won’t hire me,’ ‘oh I am looking for a job’ is just pathetic really. A lot of men have no morals and integrity when you really think about it.

The cheek of him to say that you’ll have to figure it out. Erm, no? We’re a partnership? Why should it all be on you to handle?! There’s also a big difference between someone who’s stuck in a rut of looking for a job and being unsuccessful. And someone who simply doesn’t give a fuck about being jobless anymore

Riverlee · 28/06/2023 22:08

Hope without a plan is a dream.

Whats stoping him, or has he enjoyed being a kept man? (Ie a cock lodger). I definantly think you should be forcing the issue. Maybe even sit down with him, and go through Indeed.com, and find jobs. It’s not difficult. If he can’t find any career jobs, then he should be looking for a stop gap, even if it’s working in the local supermarket. The longer he leaves it, the harder it will be.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 28/06/2023 22:12

He's not a great dad, he's a lazy twat. If your DC in the future was with a partner who helped out and sodded about in the office, would you think that quite so admirable? Time for the big conversation.

Avondale89 · 28/06/2023 22:21

The great dad line is trotted out here a lot when the DH/DP is usually being a useless waste of space. He’s not being a great dad, or a great partner.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:23

Oh the irony. There are so, sooo many women out there and on here, who refuse to work and just stay at home! Some even brazenly continue it even once their kids are in school! Yet when a man does it, they're a "shit Dad" and a "loser" Confused

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:26

I meant to add "just stay at home whilst their husband's work their arses off to provide for not just their kids but their wife too! The pressure is all on them to keep the roof over their heads, just like it is with OP..... I don't see how it's any different I'm afraid. If many many women out there choose not to work then why can’t OP's DH?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/06/2023 22:26

You should be pushing a lot harder. Him. Out of the door.

He sounds a complete waste of space.

Gowlett · 28/06/2023 22:27

Don’t mention it again. Don’t give him an ultimatum. Don’t talk about money or you going back to work. He’ll figure it out for himself.

ItsBarbieBitchhhh · 28/06/2023 22:27

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:23

Oh the irony. There are so, sooo many women out there and on here, who refuse to work and just stay at home! Some even brazenly continue it even once their kids are in school! Yet when a man does it, they're a "shit Dad" and a "loser" Confused

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

It’s not really the same though is it? A lot of women stay at home because both parents have decided it makes sense financially or something along those lines.

There’d be no issue if the OP was a high earner and/or said that she’s happy to work whilst he’s a stay home parent. He provides childcare etc but she isn’t happy. She’s just said that she doesn’t think it’ll work especially in this cost of living crisis.

Even if a woman posted saying that she refuses to work and doesn’t want to get a job (which I’ve seen before), people often comment that as soon as it no longer works for the family then the SAHP needs to get a job

cocksstrideintheevening · 28/06/2023 22:30

Why would you tolerate that, and offer or mat leave pay as another way out for him?

bonzaitree · 28/06/2023 22:37

Is this a reverse OP?