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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't get a job!

88 replies

mamalama86 · 28/06/2023 21:23

So my DH and I had our first child 6 months ago. Before I started maternity leave he had been out of work for months and living on savings.

I reassured him that with my maternity pay and savings I could see us through for a good few months and ideally he would aim to be working again by the time the baby is around 3-4 months old.

We're now 6 months in and he's only recently started looking for jobs and that's because I've pushed and we've had a few arguments about it. I have enough money saved to see us through until I go back to work in January but I think it's important he starts now so we can make our plan about childcare etc when I return to work.

I don't think he's all that serious about finding something. I got upset the other day because my boss will want to know soon whether I'm coming back full time/part time etc. I told him I really want to drop 1 day a week and hopefully if he finds something soon then he can do that too if he wants too and financially it makes sense. His response was 'well you'll just have to figure it out then'...basically implying that it's all on me to provide 100% for the family and I have to work full time while he 'looks for work'.(my salary will not support us comfortably).

We had another bust up today and he's saying he's looking for work, but I'm just not convinced he's bothered.

AIBU to push this hard? Should I be considering an ultimatum eventually?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 29/06/2023 08:04

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:23

Oh the irony. There are so, sooo many women out there and on here, who refuse to work and just stay at home! Some even brazenly continue it even once their kids are in school! Yet when a man does it, they're a "shit Dad" and a "loser" Confused

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

I don't know any couples where the woman has 'refused' to work. 'Brazenly' or otherwise.

I know several, where a joint decision has been made. Which is a totally different situation.

Jifmicroliquid · 29/06/2023 08:14

A great Dad does everything they can to provide for their family. He’s not a great dad, he’s a waste of space.

wheresmymojo · 29/06/2023 08:27

I agree. He is NOT a 'great Dad'.

It's impossible to be a great dad and completely unengaged about how the child gets shelter and food.

This is not the same as being a SAHP which is where both parents are engaged and have reached an agreed situation about money and care.

I once had similar with my DH (we had no DC) and at about this same juncture I sat him down and said:

  • If I didn't have a job, I would do whatever it took to pay my share of the bills, even if it meant cleaning toilets
  • We don't all get to do what we want as a job all of the time. This is called being an adult
  • I'm not expecting anything of you that I don't expect of myself
  • You have six weeks to find a job or move out
  • If you don't have a job, don't expect me to care where you move out to or whether you have somewhere to go and don't expect me to give in or change my mind.

I said it all very calmly. No raised voices, no arguing.

That sorted it. And I absolutely would have kicked him out, I didn't get married to become the foster parent of a manchild.

I was also unemployed over COVID and did whatever was needed to keep us afloat, including months of packing COVID test kits when I usually earn £85k.

wheresmymojo · 29/06/2023 08:29

To be honest I would take this as your internal mantra...

I didn't get married to become the foster parent of a manchild

PedalStool · 29/06/2023 08:29

Goodness, why have you been so laid back about this for so long? No way would I tolerate this. Even if he found a job now, it can take a while to actually start it. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

musixa · 29/06/2023 08:37

Spankydom · 29/06/2023 07:51

Maybe he wants to be a SAHD? Childcare can be very expensive, if he’s not interested in work, he could look after the kid while you work? It’s great for the dad cause it means they get to spend quality time with their kid, and it’s great for you cause it means you don’t need to spend money on childcare!

Maybe he does, but that needs to be a joint decision after the finances have been fully worked out.

Naunet · 29/06/2023 08:40

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:38

@ItsBarbieBitchhhh Sorry but I still think it's exactly the same in many (not all) cases. We all know someone who TOLD their DH they were not working and that's that!

Go start your own thread rather than trying to derail this one into a gathering for the Poor Menz Support Maidens

Whataretheodds · 29/06/2023 08:41

Excellent advice from @wheresmymojo

Talia99 · 29/06/2023 08:48

musixa · 29/06/2023 08:37

Maybe he does, but that needs to be a joint decision after the finances have been fully worked out.

Show quote history

Also, it does mean that if they ever split up, the OP is at the risk of ending up the EOW parent while the father gets the full time residence. If she didn’t mind that, I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t be taking full maternity leave.

2catsandhappy · 29/06/2023 08:49

Tell him he is a dead weight and you are not carrying him anymore.
Point out that you have proved you can manage without him.
Explain you are rapidly losing respect for him and are starting to wonder if you can love an able bodied man who shirks his responsibilities and makes excuses.

Find your hill to die on/line in the sand @mamalama86 resentment kills marriages.

peachicecream · 29/06/2023 08:57

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 06:59

It’s absolutely not true courts favour mothers just because they are mothers.

Mothers generally get majority care of kids, because they have been the majority carer. As more men become sahp or work part time, the more men will get main care of the kids in a divorce.

Show quote history

In a situation like OP's, the court would be highly likely to find in her favour, even if her partner had been the SAHP for a time, because they would consider all circumstances including his outright refusal to get a job.

It's highly unlikely that OP would lose her child/ren to this lout - those saying she might are just being sensationalist and scaring her.

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 09:18

peachicecream · 29/06/2023 08:57

In a situation like OP's, the court would be highly likely to find in her favour, even if her partner had been the SAHP for a time, because they would consider all circumstances including his outright refusal to get a job.

It's highly unlikely that OP would lose her child/ren to this lout - those saying she might are just being sensationalist and scaring her.

Show quote history

really?

and she says he refused to get a job and he says ‘no we decided together’

Do you not think men whose wives were a sahp haven’t tried that before? How does a judge prove the op didn’t want him to be a sahp? Especially if she accepts it for a bit.

If the Op does something soon while the baby is still very young, the child’s age will benefit her. If she leaves in him 5 years after he has been the sahp for 5 years and she accepted it for 5 years.

The simple fact is that he will have been the main carer of the child for X amount of time. His career will be behind where it should have been.

No one said she would lose her children, but there’s a high probability of her not getting 50:50 and paying him CMS.

Plus any parent that tells the other ‘money is your problem. You sort it’ isn’t a good husband or parent. So not sure why you are so invested in trying make Op believe she will be fine in any situation because she 8/ a woman .

Spankydom · 29/06/2023 09:19

Naunet · 29/06/2023 08:40

Go start your own thread rather than trying to derail this one into a gathering for the Poor Menz Support Maidens

Show quote history

I think it’s reasonable if one parent wants to be a sahp and one wants to work. You shouldn’t force the one that wants to work to stay at home and visa versa. As long as everyone pulls their weight. Does he do the cooking, cleaning and ironing?

Nevermind31 · 29/06/2023 11:53

Is he using his savings to pay his share of the bills? I would ask him… why do I have to figure it out? You need to pay your share, you need to figure out how you are paying for your share.

AdoraBell · 29/06/2023 11:57

How is he a great dad? Good parents want to support their children and spouse.

AllyCart · 29/06/2023 11:58

peachicecream · 29/06/2023 08:57

In a situation like OP's, the court would be highly likely to find in her favour, even if her partner had been the SAHP for a time, because they would consider all circumstances including his outright refusal to get a job.

It's highly unlikely that OP would lose her child/ren to this lout - those saying she might are just being sensationalist and scaring her.

Show quote history

This is nonsense!

If it were true, SAHMs who refuse to get a job would be losing their DC left, right and centre to fathers who were working full time.

Nordicrain · 29/06/2023 11:59

I mean you have put up with this for ages, and comforted him that you'll take care of it all, so we are obviously very different people with different values, but ther eis just no way I would put up with this. I would kick him out and have one less person to have to pay for.

Poppyblush · 29/06/2023 12:00

He’s not building up any pension either. He’s not a good dad or husband.

getafringenotbotox · 29/06/2023 12:43

I think you need to set a timeline in your head and if nothing has improved then make your plans to leave/tell him to leave.

I wouldn't put up with this.

Why are you using your savings to support you all. He needs to get back to work now or your setting yourself up to be responsible for everything.

TheCatterall · 29/06/2023 13:27

Come on @mamalama86 theres loads of temp and agency work out there it’s just not what he wants to do and he’s putting bare minimum effort in. When I’m out of work or don’t have enough client work (now self employed) I do anything and everything to make that income up. I do cleaning work, delivery work, putting banners and signs up at supermarkets, doing admin, call centre and warehouse work through agencies. Is it my dream work no. Is the pay shit compared to my potential from clients etc - also yes. But I do it as not working isnt an option.

what would he have done if you didn’t have the savings?

What were you hoping to do with the savings?

I’d also be asking him what his plan is to replenish the savings to the previous amount within 12 months of his own back.

what would he do if you decided you’d had enough of his lacklustre approach to supporting his family and were leaving him? He’d no doubt manage to find a job or some work within a week.

good luck.

Coyoacan · 29/06/2023 15:01

@peachicecream

I fortunately have no personal experience of a cocklodger getting to keep the kids, but I have frequently read of similar situations on mumsnet, and to add insult to injury they neither looked after the children nor did housework or cooking to any great extent. The working mother still lost residency and had to pay the prat into the bargain.

I have every respect for real SAHPs, it is a job in itself and the family court should protect their rights.

Meeting · 29/06/2023 15:08

I make him sound awful but he is a great dad

No he's not. He's refusing to contribute to the upbringing of his child.

WitcheryDivine · 29/06/2023 15:22

Hate to say it but I'd be having daily catchups about the job hunt, proofreading his applications, sending him ideas of places to apply etc.

I know that shouldn't be your job, but also every day he's at home he's eroding YOUR savings, yes yours. That's money you might need to fall back on one day if one of you gets ill or there's other unexpected expense.

If he won't engage with that then sadly I'd indicate that I am not willing to live a life where I pay for not only our mutual child but also him, a grown man.

And eventually I would give him the ultimatum below about finding a job or splitting.

Peony654 · 29/06/2023 15:29

Why are you tolerating this, and why on earth are you spending your savings for you both to live on. There's so many jobs at the moment, he can't say he can't find something. The longer he's not working, the harder it'll be. Of course very different if you agree he will be a SAHP but it doesn't sound like that is the case

piedbeauty · 29/06/2023 15:29

What a workshy loser! A good dad would be planning how to afford everything their dc needs, not running through their savings.