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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't get a job!

88 replies

mamalama86 · 28/06/2023 21:23

So my DH and I had our first child 6 months ago. Before I started maternity leave he had been out of work for months and living on savings.

I reassured him that with my maternity pay and savings I could see us through for a good few months and ideally he would aim to be working again by the time the baby is around 3-4 months old.

We're now 6 months in and he's only recently started looking for jobs and that's because I've pushed and we've had a few arguments about it. I have enough money saved to see us through until I go back to work in January but I think it's important he starts now so we can make our plan about childcare etc when I return to work.

I don't think he's all that serious about finding something. I got upset the other day because my boss will want to know soon whether I'm coming back full time/part time etc. I told him I really want to drop 1 day a week and hopefully if he finds something soon then he can do that too if he wants too and financially it makes sense. His response was 'well you'll just have to figure it out then'...basically implying that it's all on me to provide 100% for the family and I have to work full time while he 'looks for work'.(my salary will not support us comfortably).

We had another bust up today and he's saying he's looking for work, but I'm just not convinced he's bothered.

AIBU to push this hard? Should I be considering an ultimatum eventually?

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 28/06/2023 22:38

I wouldnt put up with that

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:38

@ItsBarbieBitchhhh Sorry but I still think it's exactly the same in many (not all) cases. We all know someone who TOLD their DH they were not working and that's that!

Coyoacan · 29/06/2023 04:27

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:23

Oh the irony. There are so, sooo many women out there and on here, who refuse to work and just stay at home! Some even brazenly continue it even once their kids are in school! Yet when a man does it, they're a "shit Dad" and a "loser" Confused

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

That is not even true. If both agree for one of them to be a SAHP, no problems but otherwise both men and women get schick from mumsnet

Coyoacan · 29/06/2023 04:30

OP , if he is still not working when you go back to work, he could claim to be the main parent if you split up, keep the child and demand that you pay him.

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 04:49

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:38

@ItsBarbieBitchhhh Sorry but I still think it's exactly the same in many (not all) cases. We all know someone who TOLD their DH they were not working and that's that!

No I don’t know anyone that’s done that. I do t know many Sahps, tbh. But as far as I know, non (the men or women) have forced their partner into it. Both wanted one person at home.

and the only sahp I know of school age children is a man

LiOLeary · 29/06/2023 05:00

It's shocking to me that the thing that he did in the past, is also the thing he's doing right now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2023 05:41

He isn’t a great dad. A great dad would want to provide for his family, not bury his head in the sand and blow through all your savings. As others have said, you need to take the decision of whether you’re going to accept this or not before going back to work. Personally I don’t think I would as he’s in good health. He needs a job, any job right now to get back into the routine. He could be working next week if he got his finger out with a view to going back to something more suitable in the longer term.

Nussbaum · 29/06/2023 05:59

Ugh, I couldn't be with a man who wasn't willing to work and provide for his kids.
A decent man would take any job to provide for his kids, even if it meant doing warehouse work, regardless of his qualifications.

Original poster
mamalama86 · 29/06/2023 06:17

Coyoacan · 29/06/2023 04:30

OP , if he is still not working when you go back to work, he could claim to be the main parent if you split up, keep the child and demand that you pay him.

Wow is this true? That's terrifying! What if he only starts working part time?

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 06:25

mamalama86 · 29/06/2023 06:17

Wow is this true? That's terrifying! What if he only starts working part time?

Show quote history

If he is part time and you full time, he could claim to be the main carer of the kids. While 50:50 is the starting point, when a couple splits. It often goes with more in favour of the main carer.

That would also likely get a higher split of any assets. As he would have been seen to be taking a hit to his career to be the main carer.

If you both do 4 days a week it’s less likely to happen.

This is why a sahp set up should never be something people just end up doing. Don’t really think about the risks to both sides and potential fallout if there’s a split.

No one should be forced to be a sahp but no one should be forced into a situation where their partner is a sahp either. You have to weigh the risks and benefits.

Savoury · 29/06/2023 06:28

I would caution against him being a SAHD unless your relationship is rock solid which it doesn’t sound like it is.
I agree you could be setting yourself up to be trapped if the relationship deteriorates and he could be deemed the main carer.
Yes this is true when a woman becomes a SAHM too except that often dads accept not being RP while this is rarely the case for a mum.

barlie · 29/06/2023 06:35

Pls be careful OP. Unless this is sorted quickly you will set up an accepted dynamic that is likely to be impossible to break. He is lazy and unmotivated. He is happy to live off you. The baby is now a great excuse to justify this. Once you are back at work you will be under pressure with everything and taking him on to resolve this will add to your load. When you then eventually decided you've had enough he will have more hold over your assets as others have said.

I would not engage in any arguing and logic' from him, decide now what the childcare is that doesn't involve him when you are at work so that your thinking doesn't rely on him 'being available', and then set up your life so that he is a spare part. Then set an ultimatum on him getting a job with a Deadline. If your planning involves any assumption on him being off to do childcare once a week that will be another excuse as to why he 'couldn't get a job'. Believe me, I've been here, and coping with work and a baby, plus a man baby, is not a place you want to go.

peachicecream · 29/06/2023 06:47

mamalama86 · 29/06/2023 06:17

Wow is this true? That's terrifying! What if he only starts working part time?

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like he's angling for that - it sounds like he's just lazy. But even if he did, in reality, family courts will usually favour the mother over the father and they will look at all circumstances. I think that poster was being a bit sensationalist.

Having said that, I absolutely don't think you should let him stay at home whilst you work. He sounds like a sponger OP - what is he actually contributing? Is he unwell? Why wasn't he working in the first place? I just couldn't be with a man who was happy to coast whils I do all the leg work.

Starwarslover · 29/06/2023 06:50

Wow I can’t believe he’s so content to live off you but also make out everything is all your responsibility now!! I think you need to do as a previous poster did and ‘starve’ him into getting a job. Sit him down and say that you can no longer afford for him to do hobby x, y, z or to go out with his mates etc and there will be no takeaways/ meals out from now on. He needs to come to his senses that he doesn’t get to live a nice life with someone else funding it for him!

Motnight · 29/06/2023 06:50

Avondale89 · 28/06/2023 22:21

The great dad line is trotted out here a lot when the DH/DP is usually being a useless waste of space. He’s not being a great dad, or a great partner.

This.

It's depressing.

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 06:59

peachicecream · 29/06/2023 06:47

It doesn't sound like he's angling for that - it sounds like he's just lazy. But even if he did, in reality, family courts will usually favour the mother over the father and they will look at all circumstances. I think that poster was being a bit sensationalist.

Having said that, I absolutely don't think you should let him stay at home whilst you work. He sounds like a sponger OP - what is he actually contributing? Is he unwell? Why wasn't he working in the first place? I just couldn't be with a man who was happy to coast whils I do all the leg work.

Show quote history

It’s absolutely not true courts favour mothers just because they are mothers.

Mothers generally get majority care of kids, because they have been the majority carer. As more men become sahp or work part time, the more men will get main care of the kids in a divorce.

Talia99 · 29/06/2023 07:14

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 06:59

It’s absolutely not true courts favour mothers just because they are mothers.

Mothers generally get majority care of kids, because they have been the majority carer. As more men become sahp or work part time, the more men will get main care of the kids in a divorce.

Show quote history

This. Family courts usually only ‘favour’ the mother when she is the main carer (which even these days is a lot of the time) and sometimes not even then if the father pushes for 50/50 and the children are a bit older. It’s not favouring the mother at all, it’s taking into account the practicalities of previous child care.

If the OP’s DH can tell the court he is the main carer (which if he’s not working and the OP is working full time he may be able to do), the courts will treat him the same as they would a mother who did most of the care.

This will become more and more likely as the child gets older. It may be possible to argue a baby needs its mother - it would be far harder to argue that a 5 year old needs its mother more than its main carer if that’s how DH portrays himself to the court.

LightSpeeds · 29/06/2023 07:35

I don't really understand why he was out of work and living off savings. Surely, if you have a partner/family to support you get ANY job just to bring some money in!

He's gotten way too comfortable doing nothing and doesn't want to move from that position.

Good luck with getting his arse into gear.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 29/06/2023 07:46

Is he only looking for jobs he's qualified to do or interested in?

Otherwise there are loads of jobs about - care work, delivery drivers, night packers etc.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/06/2023 07:47

I just wouldn't put up with this. I think it's ultimatum time, he steps up or fucks off. You need to start getting your financials in order so you're prepared to be a single parent.

Spankydom · 29/06/2023 07:51

Maybe he wants to be a SAHD? Childcare can be very expensive, if he’s not interested in work, he could look after the kid while you work? It’s great for the dad cause it means they get to spend quality time with their kid, and it’s great for you cause it means you don’t need to spend money on childcare!

ProfessorXtra · 29/06/2023 07:56

Talia99 · 29/06/2023 07:14

This. Family courts usually only ‘favour’ the mother when she is the main carer (which even these days is a lot of the time) and sometimes not even then if the father pushes for 50/50 and the children are a bit older. It’s not favouring the mother at all, it’s taking into account the practicalities of previous child care.

If the OP’s DH can tell the court he is the main carer (which if he’s not working and the OP is working full time he may be able to do), the courts will treat him the same as they would a mother who did most of the care.

This will become more and more likely as the child gets older. It may be possible to argue a baby needs its mother - it would be far harder to argue that a 5 year old needs its mother more than its main carer if that’s how DH portrays himself to the court.

Show quote history

Exactly. This is why Ops decision is time critical. Once she is back at work it will only get worse

Yerroblemom1923 · 29/06/2023 07:58

Can he freelance and look after the child? I don't know what his work involves but if it's something that can be done from home that may save forking out on chikdcare.

Wallywobbles · 29/06/2023 08:02

You are totally screwing your future. You can't afford to keep him. Tell him to go back to his parents until he can afford to be a co-parent.

CleverLilViper · 29/06/2023 08:03

AlfietheSchnauzer · 28/06/2023 22:26

I meant to add "just stay at home whilst their husband's work their arses off to provide for not just their kids but their wife too! The pressure is all on them to keep the roof over their heads, just like it is with OP..... I don't see how it's any different I'm afraid. If many many women out there choose not to work then why can’t OP's DH?

How do you not understand the difference? It’s not that there’s anything wrong with a man being the SAHP. It’s that this, in this situation, isn’t the agreement that they have.

They haven’t discussed this. They haven’t agreed it and can’t afford it. There’s no irony or hypocrisy. You’re being purposefully obtuse.

In SAHP arrangements it’s discussed and agreed that is what is best for the family. Women are typically the ones to sacrifice their careers and financial security for these arrangements but there’s nothing wrong with men doing it either so long as both parties agree they can afford it.

In this case, he lost his job. Agreed to do freelance whilst he looked for other work. OP agreed to support him during this time. Now, she’s starting to panic because she knows it will be difficult to continue to support all of them on one wage and he doesn’t seem bothered and is happy to allow the burden to fall on her.

If the sexes were reversed it would make no difference at all to my view. He needs to get a job or he needs to get out.