Won't get a job!

[mamalama86]

So my DH and I had our first child 6 months ago. Before I started maternity leave he had been out of work for months and living on savings.

I reassured him that with my maternity pay and savings I could see us through for a good few months and ideally he would aim to be working again by the time the baby is around 3-4 months old.

We're now 6 months in and he's only recently started looking for jobs and that's because I've pushed and we've had a few arguments about it. I have enough money saved to see us through until I go back to work in January but I think it's important he starts now so we can make our plan about childcare etc when I return to work.

I don't think he's all that serious about finding something. I got upset the other day because my boss will want to know soon whether I'm coming back full time/part time etc. I told him I really want to drop 1 day a week and hopefully if he finds something soon then he can do that too if he wants too and financially it makes sense. His response was 'well you'll just have to figure it out then'...basically implying that it's all on me to provide 100% for the family and I have to work full time while he 'looks for work'.(my salary will not support us comfortably).

We had another bust up today and he's saying he's looking for work, but I'm just not convinced he's bothered.

AIBU to push this hard? Should I be considering an ultimatum eventually?

Thanks everyone. I think I needed a kick to realise I'm being a mug.

I wish I'd never started this by letting him not contribute. At the time I genuinely thought it made sense as it would give him a few more than with the baby before starting a job. It would mean more help for me (c-section) and time for us as a family. Also I have no support around me to help with the baby at all (literally not a soul) so I thought it made sense for a short while just so we could get into the swing of things.

Turns out he's taken it too far and is now just taking the Pisssss

Easy to get out of the habit of working. Think that’s what may have happened to your DH, particularly without any real financial incentive to find a job, any job. My OH just didn’t see himself, a master thatcher, working in any of the low-status low-paid jobs available round here. Then inherited a nice sum when his Mum died, so didn’t have to think about work until that money had all gone. (A year?) Then as I say, I just stopped buying food, as I can survive forever on Ryvita, it took me through my teens and twenties. I’d been saying for years that “I can’t afford to keep you”, I just had to demonstrate it and wish I’d done the demo long ago.

What are you going to do @mamalama86

I think I'm going to take this weekend to come up with a plan of how I'm going to support myself as a single parent. How I'm going to afford childcare etc and maybe talk to a mortgage advisor about what I can afford on my own. Pending the result of that then unless something miraculous has happened over eh next few days then it's ultimatum time. A job with the next month or he's out.

Very good idea.

Tell him he needs any job at all in order to provide for his child or he's out. Once employed he can continue to look for the job he wants.

If he's a sahd and you split he would have a very good chance of becoming the resident parent if he takes you to court. Not only could you only see your baby EOW you would have to pay him maintenance!

No ultimatum. Just it's done. Too little too late. Otherwise he will just take anything and leave a month later. And you'll be in the same position but he will have wised up.

Really? I think he deserves a chance to get a job and prove his commitment to his family.

If you read the op, the plan was for dp to get a job and be working by the time baby was 3-4 months. Baby is now six months old, and dp has only just started looking for a job, because op has pushed him (which has caused arguements).

Yes, but he doesn’t know she’s planning to split up if he doesn’t get a job. He’s coasting, it probably hasn’t entered his mind that a break-up is on the cards. It might focus the mind.

That’s true .

I don’t know anyone who said that. All my friends are smart, hardworking women who either went back PT temporarily and then FT or FT straight after mat leave.

The point at which DH needs to have it clearly communicated to him that his partner is going to leave unless he gets his lazy arse a job is a major problem.

This is not an adult to adult relationship. You’re describing a scenario of someone parenting a lazy teen and outlining consequences. As an adult who is supposed to care for his partner and child, he should already know what partnership is and be proactive in sorting his shit out.