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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my surname to match my childs?

101 replies

Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:08

When I was pregnant with my child I was in an abusive relationship and he threatened me with all sorts if I did not give our child his surname. I did what I was told as I was afraid of the consequences if I didn’t give in to his demands. After I had my baby the abuse ramped up even more and I ended up fleeing ex when my baby was only a few months old. I had to get police involved for my own protection and contact all had to go through courts because of concerns about my exes behaviour. My child is older now and ex is involved but hardly at all and that is his own choice . I do literally everything for my child and I always have yet they have exes name..it doesn’t seem right. My ex would never agree to change the surname to mine but I’m seriously considering changing my name to match my child’s..is this a ridiculous idea? I really don’t want my abusive exes name but I hate having a different name to my child. I hate when I take him to an appointment and I give them my name and then my child’s and it is different. My ex has never even taken our child to an appointment ever and I doubt he ever will! Should I go for it and just change my name?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/06/2023 07:13

It’s not your exes name, it’s your child’s now. And do whatever you want. How about double barrelling your name, so you keep it ? Or keeping your surname as an extra middle name ?

Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:16

Why on earth would you name yourself after your abuser??

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:16

Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:16

Why on earth would you name yourself after your abuser??

To match my child’s name

OP posts:
Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:18

Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:16

To match my child’s name

Show quote history

Just bizarre.

Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:19

I wouldn't give your ex the satisfaction.

bibbityboppityboo · 26/06/2023 07:19

It's not your exes name, it's your child's.

No one booking you in for an appointment will bat an eyelid about surnames not matching I'm sure! It's just one of those issues we think are bigger than they actually are imo, I wouldn't change your child's name (nightmare for life on forms!) and personally I wouldn't change yours.

Maybe your DC can make the choice if they want to change when they're old enough?

Gettingfleeced · 26/06/2023 07:20

I personally wouldn't. Can you double-barrel, then slowly start dropping your ex's name from things?

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:22

Gettingfleeced · 26/06/2023 07:20

I personally wouldn't. Can you double-barrel, then slowly start dropping your ex's name from things?

Sorry Do you mean double barrel my own name or my child’s name?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/06/2023 07:24

You know that you can call your child whatever you want ? I work in schools and many kids have an everyday name, a name that they are known as. Yet a different name on their birth certificate.

WilkinsonM · 26/06/2023 07:24

Why does it bother you to have a different name?
if your ex has zero contact with the child you might get the court to agree a name change but it might open up a can of worms.
I think I would register DC at school etc with both surnames double barrelled and let them change it officially when they are old enough if they want.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 26/06/2023 07:27

Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:22

Sorry Do you mean double barrel my own name or my child’s name?

Show quote history

Either. Or both. You would have to go to court to get the double barrel approved for your child but they’ll almost certainly grant it.

JapaneseTony · 26/06/2023 07:31

I’d look into getting a court order either to change the child’s name to yours or double barrel it. Don’t change your own name x

Chersfrozenface · 26/06/2023 07:32

I didn't change my name when I married. My children have my husband's surname. So I've never had the same name as them. Happenef a lot among my acquaintance.

Women who remarry after being widowed or divorced and take their new husband's name may well have children from their previous marriage who have a different surname.

It's really quite common. Nobody bats an eyelid.

Jellycats4life · 26/06/2023 07:36

It would be better to get over your issues around having a different surname to your child. It’s so commonplace, no one bats an eyelid. I have a different surname to my children and they have never cared one bit.

The idea of taking your abuser’s surname is just bonkers.

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 07:37

Change the child's name to yours. Don't change your name to an abusive man's.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:38

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 07:37

Change the child's name to yours. Don't change your name to an abusive man's.

I can’t change my child’s name without permission from my ex and he would never let me do it

OP posts:
Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:40

It's your decision, though; not sure why you need the approval of random strangers. If you want to share a name with your abuser, just go ahead?

Zanatdy · 26/06/2023 07:40

I wouldn’t even contemplate it. My children have a different surname and it’s really not been a problem. Most people ask if it the same surname for the child? No, give name, end of. It’s fine

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:41

WilkinsonM · 26/06/2023 07:24

Why does it bother you to have a different name?
if your ex has zero contact with the child you might get the court to agree a name change but it might open up a can of worms.
I think I would register DC at school etc with both surnames double barrelled and let them change it officially when they are old enough if they want.

He does have contact just not a lot by choice

It bothers me because I am the one who grew and birthed my child and does EVERYTHING for him yet my child has my exes name and my ex hardly bothers to even see him, doesn’t financially contribute at all and is just overall a shitty dad

OP posts:
builtforspring · 26/06/2023 07:42

Like someone said, I'd double-barrel your child's name and then only use your surname for school etc.

I do think you'd need permission (court) to do this.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:43

Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 07:40

It's your decision, though; not sure why you need the approval of random strangers. If you want to share a name with your abuser, just go ahead?

Because I want to have the same name as my child.. that’s why. Not because I actually want my exes name.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:44

builtforspring · 26/06/2023 07:42

Like someone said, I'd double-barrel your child's name and then only use your surname for school etc.

I do think you'd need permission (court) to do this.

My concern is the cost of going through court. It doesn’t seem like legal aid is available for this and I don’t think I’d be able to afford it on my own

OP posts:
Betterlatethanontime · 26/06/2023 07:45

Ask your child if they want to use your name. You probably can’t change the name legally, but your child can be known as …

builtforspring · 26/06/2023 07:45

Also, I get it OP it would bother me if I were in your position and I'd be looking to somehow have the same name as my child.

Original poster
Newmum1998 · 26/06/2023 07:46

Zanatdy · 26/06/2023 07:40

I wouldn’t even contemplate it. My children have a different surname and it’s really not been a problem. Most people ask if it the same surname for the child? No, give name, end of. It’s fine

That’s encouraging it’s never been an issue for you. I was worried about travelling abroad as I have heard having different names can cause problems.

OP posts: