To change my surname to match my childs?

[Newmum1998]

When I was pregnant with my child I was in an abusive relationship and he threatened me with all sorts if I did not give our child his surname. I did what I was told as I was afraid of the consequences if I didn’t give in to his demands. After I had my baby the abuse ramped up even more and I ended up fleeing ex when my baby was only a few months old. I had to get police involved for my own protection and contact all had to go through courts because of concerns about my exes behaviour. My child is older now and ex is involved but hardly at all and that is his own choice . I do literally everything for my child and I always have yet they have exes name..it doesn’t seem right. My ex would never agree to change the surname to mine but I’m seriously considering changing my name to match my child’s..is this a ridiculous idea? I really don’t want my abusive exes name but I hate having a different name to my child. I hate when I take him to an appointment and I give them my name and then my child’s and it is different. My ex has never even taken our child to an appointment ever and I doubt he ever will! Should I go for it and just change my name?

Just do it then - why do you need Mumsnet's approval? 🤷‍♀️

This. Your child can be known by your surname, without your ex needing to know. Obviously they'd retain his surname on their birth certificate and passport, but you can call them what you want for school etc.

"My concern is the cost of going through court. It doesn’t seem like legal aid is available for this and I don’t think I’d be able to afford it on my own"

In that case, I'd either save to do it or I'd double-barrel my name with your 'ex's' surname. Nobody owns a name it isn't your 'ex's'.

I'm married (have my husbands name) and if we divorced I'd keep my married name, not because I have any attachment to the name but because it's my child's name.

The court fee is £125. If you’re on a low income you can apply for help with that https://www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

It really won't matter in a few years if you have different names. School always calls me Mrs Exsurname even though I am Ms Nevster and I don't care. But I definitely don't want to have my exes surname. I think you'll regret it if you change. I strongly suggest you consider adding an extra middle name to your DC and making it your surname

Travelling abroad with different names isn't a problem in itself if you take a copy of the child's birth certificate.

You will need to consider whether you need your ex's permission, but that applies whether your surnames are the same or different.

Do you have a child arrangement order? There is more information here https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

It really doesn't

I changed my surname by deed poll whilst in an abusive relationship, when our children were approaching school age for the same reason. I wasn't thinking straight when I fled soon after and kept the surname until recently (too many years later). I now with the benefit of hindsight, realise that it would have been healthier to pursue my own Identity sooner with the return to my own surname being the catalyst. I now have another child who does not have the same surname as me so there are 3 different surnames in our happy home. On the rare occasions people presume I have the same surname as my children, there is no judgement or questioning involved when I point out my name is different, just acceptance.

People will assume that you are trying to bring your ex closer to you by taking his name; are you ok with that?

I did this as the father wasn’t in the child’s life and I decided they needed to have a cohesive family identity. So I’m now known as Ms Athena (ex:childs sirname).
It’s lovely to have the same name and anyhow, I didn’t feel like a Miss anymore and it’s given me a great sense of pride to have a family sirname. So do it by deed pole or get a solicitor to write a official letter like a Statytory Declaration for a Change of Name.
Cost than £100 and it’s easy to update your new name legally for bank, GP, schools, driving love fence and passports etc.I’m certain my child likes the fact we share the same name as it gives a sense of belonging. Go for it.

Don't change your name to the name of a Man who abused and intimidated you. All that would achieve is that you both have a tainted name, and in your case you have gone to bizarre lengths to have it.

When your child is older they can change their name to yours if they wish.

What do you mean bring him closer to me?

ive got an order in place that says he’s not even allowed to contact me directly or approach me lol

I mean realign your life with his, hoping for a closer relationship. Anyway, you do you; it's your life!

Why don’t you choose a new surname for both of you - a fresh start.

Oh right I see what you mean but I have no contact directly with him at all and want it to stay that way. I don’t even do handovers with him and Anything really important I need to let him know about our son is communicated by a third party

Ex has parental responsibility so would have to agree to a name change and he would never do that.

I know someone who has done it but afaik they have a good relationship with ex. In your case, with abuse involved, I think applying to court for a double-barrel change (for your child) would be a better solution.

Yeah that would probably be a better option but I’m guessing I would need a solicitor to do that and it would be expensive

I've got the same name as my dc and I've been asked questions at passport control a few times now and I've been asked for a permission letter too. I didn't have one so they called him.

You just take documentation. In some cultures children don't have the same name as their mothers anyway.

In airports nobody is focusing on whether you and the child have the same surname.

I think don't change your name, it will be amusing for your ex.
I think get an idea on cost and look into petitioning a court to change when the ex is abusive and then save up for it. Meanwhile most people these days have no problem whatsoever with mother having different name as it could be for any host of reasons.. some married women never change their name anyway.
I think you will be happier to have your son follow your name so investigate this option and save up for it or borrow from family, take credit if you can manage repaying.

Why is it so important to you to have the same surname? I didn't change my name when I married and our son has his father's surname. Entirely normal these days and never had any issues.

I agree that ex may be more amenable and court more open to letting you double barrel the child's name. I would find the money and do this option.

To be honest, your ex is unlikely to agree to any foreign travel so the name is neither here nor there.

It's your child's name, so if you decide to change yours remember that. It has nothing to do with him at this point.

Maybe repost on Legal asking how to self represent in court to have your surname added (double barrelled).

Google free deed poll and you can change your name immediately with a witness (I know the £2.00/ free ones work) ignore the extortionate site that comes up first and looks official.