To change my surname to match my childs?

[Newmum1998]

When I was pregnant with my child I was in an abusive relationship and he threatened me with all sorts if I did not give our child his surname. I did what I was told as I was afraid of the consequences if I didn’t give in to his demands. After I had my baby the abuse ramped up even more and I ended up fleeing ex when my baby was only a few months old. I had to get police involved for my own protection and contact all had to go through courts because of concerns about my exes behaviour. My child is older now and ex is involved but hardly at all and that is his own choice . I do literally everything for my child and I always have yet they have exes name..it doesn’t seem right. My ex would never agree to change the surname to mine but I’m seriously considering changing my name to match my child’s..is this a ridiculous idea? I really don’t want my abusive exes name but I hate having a different name to my child. I hate when I take him to an appointment and I give them my name and then my child’s and it is different. My ex has never even taken our child to an appointment ever and I doubt he ever will! Should I go for it and just change my name?

Wait until your child is 18, if he wants to change it to match yours he can do it via deed poll and you will not need your exs permission.

I had some friends who changed their name as soon as they were able as their dad (who was still involved) cheated on their mum and they did it as an act of solidarity to the mum.

Don't change your name.

A relative of mine actually changed his surname to his step dad’s when he was 18 as his dad was hardly involved and his step dad raised him as his own so I have thought about this side of things as well…

The other reason I chose to change my name rather than theirs is because I acknowledge they need a link to their father and his family despite estrangement. I think people can change for the better over the years so it maintains this hope really. That the children and their father will reconcile, despite his history of abuse and my view that contact isn’t in their best interests right now.
Anyway go with your heart and change your name to your child’s if you like. People will accept it and it’ll be a nice thing for you and your young family.

When I want you to police my online activity I'll let you know 💐

I don’t think I’d do it. I agree with the suggestion of seeking legal advice to see if your surname could be added to your child’s, in addition to his father’s.

Well done for getting away from him.

Very very similar situation OP.

I registered my daughter at school in my name and she is known by my name as her father never agreed to it changing.

Travel should be included in any court order so you can travel for a few weeks without the other parent permission.

My DD is now 14 and we recently got her name changed via a court order.

So basically use your name for school etc, when your DC is old enough they can do it legally themselves or you can fight it in court when they have more of a "legal" voice. Either way I would never taken my abusers name.

Well done for getting away from him.

How about changing your child's surname to yours in day to day life and formalising it by deed poll once they turn 16 if your child wishes to do so?

And? I would never, never have my abusers surname.

Yes do this. If your ex is called Jones and you Smith, then start calling your child Smith Jones. Call yourself that too. Over time eg when registering child at nursery just shorten child's double barreled name and yours to just Smith.

@ThursdayFreedom 👏👏👏👏👏

@Newmum1998 a name is just a name. It's people that give it power. If you want to be the same name as your son go for it. It doesn't mean any more than that. Similarly if you're worried having separate names creates a perception of you it doesn't. It's just a name. I am married to a wonderful man and have children with him and I'm the exact same as you when I go to the doctors, I give two names. I don't know or care if they think anything of it. And i don't feel any less close to my sons for having a different surname. But what I do or don't do isn't important. If it's important to you go for it.

How old is your child? If he is still young like under 5,
If you're miss smith and you ex is mr brown
You could start socially using both surnames eg introduce him as Tommy Smith-Brown
If he's older and would like the same name as you then he could wait till he's 18 and change it himself.
It's a big hassle to change your name.

Well done for leaving him that look lots of bravery you should be proud xx

Bring his birth certificate with you if you travel abroad

How old is your child OP? If they are less than 5 years off 18, might be worth waiting to see if they are happy to change it themselves.

Otherwise go for it. As you say, it's the quickest and easiest solution. I can totally understand why you don't want a legal battle over it. It doesn't sound like it bothers you that it's your ex's name still? If that's the case, then it's just a name your child happens to have, and you would like to share with them. If it's important to you to have the same name as your child, then it doesn't matter what other people think.

I didn't change my name when I married and both my children have my husband's surname. I've never had the same name as them and never had any issue taking them abroad, or with anything else.

There is an option in many places (drs, bank etc) where you can give a 'preferred name' so maybe worth going that route? My mum done this at school when she married my step dad and my father wouldn't let me legally change my name, I changed it legally after I turned 18

I wouldnt. My daughter has a two surnames mine and exes and literally everyone has dropped mine and only refers to her under exes due to this I sometimes get called exes surname and I hate it. So my advice if you do add your name is dont put it first like suggested that was my mistake; put it last. Like you ex would never agree to a name change but my daughter is 12 now so changing it when she’s 16 also our GP wouldn’t let us use a known as name only place that has allowed that is school

@Boomboxinmyattic

When I need your permission to call out twattish behaviours I'll let you know 💁🏻‍♀️

Agree with this.

However, I don’t understand the worry about having the same name as your child. Nobody cares- in some countries it’s the norm

• in some countries it’s the norm to have different names

I work in a school and honestly, loads of mothers have different surnames to their children and some fathers do too. It is a shame you didn’t give your child your name, but you made the best decision you could at the time. I would not even contemplate changing my name to the man that abused me, don’t let him have that over you.

My kids have a different surname to me. It has never once caused a single issue and I have travelled alone all over Europe with them.

That is really encouraging thank you :)

I changed my sons surname without telling my ex. He never would have agreed and was also abusive I'm not sure it was actually officially but the school, doctors, bank all accepted it. Everyone except the passport office. So he travelled with old name and once he was 16 he changed it himself by deed poll. I used this company 20 years ago and never had a problem.

deedpoll.org.uk/

Twattish is as twattish does, Sugarplum 😊

Look OP. Seriously, I wouldn't even contemplate it.

You can call your child anything you want. When he goes to school you can change his surname to yours. It really doesn't matter. The changing of the name is just a legal formality for documents etc. Anyone can be called anything.

My daughter has her abusive fathers surname.. never in a million years would I change my surname to my exes just to match hers.. no less than it being a permanent reminder to me of how he treated me.