To change my surname to match my childs?

[Newmum1998]

When I was pregnant with my child I was in an abusive relationship and he threatened me with all sorts if I did not give our child his surname. I did what I was told as I was afraid of the consequences if I didn’t give in to his demands. After I had my baby the abuse ramped up even more and I ended up fleeing ex when my baby was only a few months old. I had to get police involved for my own protection and contact all had to go through courts because of concerns about my exes behaviour. My child is older now and ex is involved but hardly at all and that is his own choice . I do literally everything for my child and I always have yet they have exes name..it doesn’t seem right. My ex would never agree to change the surname to mine but I’m seriously considering changing my name to match my child’s..is this a ridiculous idea? I really don’t want my abusive exes name but I hate having a different name to my child. I hate when I take him to an appointment and I give them my name and then my child’s and it is different. My ex has never even taken our child to an appointment ever and I doubt he ever will! Should I go for it and just change my name?

OP, well done on fleeing from that man.

How old is your child now? Old enough to know their surname? Do they know he is their Dad and enjoy contact?

Under certain circumstances courts do allow a mother to change a child’s name without the father’s consent. I am wondering whether, given the police and court involvement etc, you could ask a solicitor whether you would have any chance asking the courts to agree a name change for your child? Since the name was given under coercion at the time?

I would imagine this would cause your ex to cut all contact / cause what trouble he could, so only you know whether it would be worth it.

The small amount of contact he has, is it because he cares about your child, relates to you child, or is it a way to retain some control over you?

Really sorry you are in this position OP.

The most important thing is that you took yourself and your child out of an abusive situation so that you can be a great Mum and have a happy time together.

that’s actually a good point lol I’ve not I’ve not tried to take my son abroad yet but I’m sure when I do ex won’t allow it

I personally wouldn't change my name. If I was married to an abusive man and I already had his name, I probably wouldn't change it back right away after leaving so that I had the same name as my child (at least until they were older) but I wouldn't proactively take his name if I didn't already have it.

If its very important to you, I'd go down the court route to change your child's name or to double barrell it but personally I'd just double barrell it or change it colloquially (probabaly double barrell) until child was old enough to decide what they'd like to do.

Why not just double barrel your child's name. Put your surname at the beginning. Will make it easier going on holiday in some instances. Sometimes they can be a bit funny in airports when childs surname is not the same as the adult they are travelling with.

Yes change your name. I had a different surname to my eldest for a few years and hated it. I agree no one bats an eyelid but it bothered ME so yes I’d either do as PP said and double barrel your name or just change it. It’s your child’s name. Load of nonsense about it being your abusers name 🙄

I would just change your child's name. Leave it as it is on the passport and official documents but for school, dentists etc I'd just say he's changed his name to whatever yours is. If your ex finds out and wants to go to court over it then let him.

When my DD went to school I just filled in the form with DD's name is Smith but at school I want her to be known as Brown. There is actually a space on the form to fill in which name DD should be known as in school. Simple. Her passport and NHS appointments all have her legal name 'Smith' but DD is known as Brown. My ex said I'd been sneaky to do it but 1. I don't care. 2. He hadn't seen her for months and 3. I was definitely not going through her school years being referred to as Mrs Smith!

My friend did this because her now fiancé didn’t want to get married. In her situation I found it a bit sad.

@Boomboxinmyattic

Give it a rest.

ive got an order in place that says he’s not even allowed to contact me directly or approach me lol

Changing your name to his wound be a really backwards step in terms of the overall relationship.

I would just have your child 'known as' until they are older. My friend did this when her DC was 3, the child changed the name legally at 16, there were never any problems.

This was suggested to me by a solicitor. I seriously considered it.

XP wouldn't let me double barrel our surnames so the DC's have his surname only. It's really messed with one of their heads. Although school and clubs have always allowed me to double barrel it which was a relief. Never been abroad so never had to risk having a different name, I had no interest in finding him for him to refuse and kick off.

With kindness, why are you guessing? If this is so important to you that you would consider taking your ex’s name, why not research exactly what would be involved in going to court to try and change your child’s name first?

OP this was s similar situation to me (I was the child in the situation). When I was 18, I changed my name to my grandparents' surname, and my mum too.
I really disapprove of parents changing their child's names on their behalf (and am glad you have suggesting changing your own identity, not his). Maybe when he is of age this will be an option and you can be the same then.

No not at all. Legally you’re supposed to have a letter from the father if travelling alone and a copy of their passport. But I’ve never been asked for one. My children have an Asian surname too, and mine a typically English one and still never been an issue.

I've done this, although slightly different circumstances as still with DP, just wanted us all to have the same surname. Not a big deal to some, but it was to me. Paid £44 through deed poll, easily done. I didn't have any attachment to my previous surname so didn't bother me

See https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/changing-a-childs-surname/

You would have to apply to court for a Specific Issue Order.

There is a helpful detailed guide to doing it at https://www.ukdeedpolloffice.org/specific-issue-order/

I think you could do it without a solicitor but if you want some legal advice, you could contact Child Law Advice (https://childlawadvice.org.uk/clas/contact-child-law-advice/) and/or contact your local Citizens Advice to ask if there are any local solicitors or law clinics offering a free or low cost initial consultation. That might be enough.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/contact-us/#h-find-your-nearest-citizens-advice

He can't stop you applying to court.

I changed dc's surname via solicitor.. It's up to your ex to have a judge force it changed back. Would he bother op? Or even know?

He would definitely bother he loves a fight in court tbh

When you register at GP, school etc you can use the name your dc is known by. You can give your surname instead. You can apply to have name changed by deed poll when older, 16? And then it's child's decision. If the ex is not good for your DC keep contact minimal.

I would not want to change my own name to that of my abuser.

I would double barrel your DC surname, then drop every day use of your ex's surname, so your DC has a 'known as mum's surname' everywhere except passport and birth certificate.

When your DC is old enough, they can then change their surname officially to yours, if they wish to do so.

Don't do this. Change your child's name instead. Or create an entirely new one

Fight the asshole then

What if your child one day no longer wants your exes name though?

I have elder half siblings whose dad abused my mum and them too. Let's say the first family name was Jones, mum's maiden name Smith, my dad's name Thomas, then future partners etc.

So the family is:

Mum - first Smith, then Jones, then Smith, then Thomas.
Brother - Jones, then Smith.
Sister - Jones, then Smith, now Roberts with her husband, kids also Roberts. Also changed her first name from the one her dad gave her.
Sister 2 - Thomas, stayed Thomas on marriage, children are Howard.
Me - Thomas, and stayed Thomas on marriage, my children will be Thomas-Brown.

Four kids, four different ways of dealing with it. And only two with the same name as mum.

Obviously I grew up not feeling like names made a family as a result, but your child may well end up choosing different anyway. How old are they?

I was in your position and I changed my name. I have no regrets at all.

i asked my ex to sign a letter to make it easier to take them abroad. He refused unless I did something for him in return. I decided that I didn’t want him to hold that power over me every time I wanted to take the kids abroad, and I didn’t want to have a conversation with him every time I wanted a holiday. So I changed my name to match my kids and now I never need to communicate with him. To me, it was empowering as it made me no longer beholden to him. I know that I could legally take them
abroad but i didn’t want to answer questions at border control.

I don’t care if he thinks I’m weeping for him every night. I don’t care if he thinks I want to get back with him. I don’t care if he thinks I’m not over him by changing my name. He is nothing to me and therefore his opinion of me doesn’t matter.