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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the arsehole here? Honest opinions please

84 replies

NotGotAClue1 · 25/06/2023 22:09

My partner works in a highly stressed but well-paid job and his mum is dying. I currently don’t work (joint decision) and stay at home with our son who has an operation next week. My partner booked the day off so he could meet us at the hospital on the day. Me and our son are staying at my parents the night before as they live closer and will drop us off.

My partner now has the whole week off due to his mum so I asked if he was going to stay with us at my parents the night before. He said he didn’t want to as he has work to catch up on and wants to run a few errands. I said we didn’t have to go until late in the day so he has time to do his other things and that he could do work at my parents but he just came back with excuses.

It turned into an argument and he said to back off/ leave him alone, I was adding to his stress and that I should go and do his job and earn what he earns etc. Stupid thing to say and a jibe about me not working as I’m not qualified to and could never command his salary.

OP posts:
Highlandhome · 25/06/2023 22:12

Assuming this isn’t normal for him, then I’d assume he’s worried / stressed about his mum dying as well as everything else and let it go for now.
worth a chat though in calmer times.

illiterato · 25/06/2023 22:13

Honestly I think you’re both just under a lot of stress. I can see that if he needs to get work done being at your parents doesn’t make it the easiest. You’re a guest in someone else’s house and your son will prob want to hang out with him.

wildfirewonder · 25/06/2023 22:13

I would have let it go given what is happening with his mum, he maybe just wanted some quiet.

Oysterbabe · 25/06/2023 22:14

He's had a lot going on and was looking forward to a night alone.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/06/2023 22:14

You certainly are not the main arsehole. That comment about you not being the breadwinner is a cheap shot. Has he said things like this before? I would be looking at getting a job as fast as it's feasible to do so. You don't want to be dependent long term on someone who appears to resent supporting you.

I might have cut him a bit of slack about not staying at your parents, though, if his mum is dying. Has he planned to come to the hospital? If so, him staying at your parents the night before is not strictly essential and not a hill I would choose to die on.

But his comment about you not working is shitty.

CatchHimDerry · 25/06/2023 22:17

The comment on working isn’t necessary.

I couldn’t get worked up about the not staying over part, though. Maybe he just needs some alone time to reflect etc

Its a hard time all round at the moment for you all x

Gateappreciation · 25/06/2023 22:17

I agree that it’s stress getting to both of you.

Although the comment hurts, try and let it go. You’re obviously prioritising you son, and he’s thinking about his mum. He hasn’t really got any headspace for anything more at the moment.

CheckEngineLight · 25/06/2023 22:17

He said no, you tried to push him into changing his mind. I personally hate it when people do that to me.
I imagine it would be really hard to work at a PIL house & he has the added stress of his mum dying on top of DS op, he’s obviously really stressed and lashing out.

I hope all goes well with the op & he has a speedy recovery.

KarmaStar · 25/06/2023 22:17

Both stressed.Be kind to each other.losing your mum is extremely awful and with your dc as well he is under a lot of strain.
Obviously it's hard for you,you do have your parents to support you right now so he needs you.
Yanbaa but let it go .
Good luck with the operation.
Take care of yourselves 💐

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2023 22:18

I'm guessing the last place is wants to be is at your parents while his own mum is dying.

People say hurtful crap when they want to be left alone. He said he didn't want to, you kept on at him. He said something hurtful so you would shut up and leave him alone

Albatross674 · 25/06/2023 22:18

I’d let it go if it’s a one off.
i hope your son has a quick recovery.

Irhfb · 25/06/2023 22:20

Yeah I agree - you’re both stressed. Your lives both sound really tough right now. No one is being the arsehole. Let him stay where he wants and let this slide.

sending lots of love and strength to you all xx

pinksquash13 · 25/06/2023 22:20

Just let it all go. Sounds like a really stressful time. Give him grace.

Starlightstarbright2 · 25/06/2023 22:22

Agree with everyone else . He is really worried about Mum. , probably Ds too . Space just to process .

Orchidgal · 25/06/2023 22:23

Just let him be and you won’t be the arsehole.

You’ll be an arsehole if you make the week his mother dies any harder than it needs to be.

Deal with the work jibe in the future if (IF!) it is an ongoing problem with his attitude, and not a one-off.

Original poster
NotGotAClue1 · 25/06/2023 22:24

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/06/2023 22:14

You certainly are not the main arsehole. That comment about you not being the breadwinner is a cheap shot. Has he said things like this before? I would be looking at getting a job as fast as it's feasible to do so. You don't want to be dependent long term on someone who appears to resent supporting you.

I might have cut him a bit of slack about not staying at your parents, though, if his mum is dying. Has he planned to come to the hospital? If so, him staying at your parents the night before is not strictly essential and not a hill I would choose to die on.

But his comment about you not working is shitty.

Yes he has made comments before even though he has said numerous times he is happy with our situation. He throws it in my face when we argue which is unfair. His favourite line, you go get a job and I’ll look after our son :(

OP posts:
DontBePassiveAggresive · 25/06/2023 22:24

I wouldn't have expected him to spend the night as that's not the reason he had the time off.

HotWithNoRain · 25/06/2023 22:25

I think you are being unfair. Can one of your parents come with you to the hospital?

Bearpawk · 25/06/2023 22:26

His comment about you working is very unreasonable but I think you need to lay off him.
I'd only want to stay over at my in-laws and work there as a very last resort.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/06/2023 22:27

@NotGotAClue1

Yes he has made comments before even though he has said numerous times he is happy with our situation. He throws it in my face when we argue which is unfair. His favourite line, you go get a job and I’ll look after our son :(

Yeah I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on someone like that. I think you need to get back to work.

I wouldn't kick off about this particular instance under the circumstances, he's clearly got a lot on his plate and it's a hard time but he can't have it both ways on this point: either he's OK supporting or he's not. He can't say its OK when it suits him and then use it as a stick to beat you with when he's in a bad frame of mind.

Get past these current crises in your life and then get a job.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/06/2023 22:28

Is there any reason you need him to stay at your parents the night before? I can understand why he wouldn’t want to stay with in laws and certainly why he wouldn’t want to wfh at their house. If his own mum is dying staying with your mum will probably amplify all those feelings too and I expect he will feel he can’t relax or process his grief whilst a guest in someone else’s house and having to stay polite etc for them.

He clearly said he didn’t want to stay at your parents and it sounds like you repeatedly tried to change his mind and come up with reasons he could, at that point it wasn’t unreasonable for him to tell you to back off. When you asked and he said no you should have left it, not kept trying to coerce him. So for that reason yes, you are the aresehole for not listening to him, not taking no for an answer and letting it get to the point of an argument.

jenny38 · 25/06/2023 22:30

His mother is dying and he may not want to spend a night with your parents under those circumstances. He might also want to be able to have the flexibility to see his mum whenever /what works best, and this an change as she is so I’ll. in ordinary times you may have rightly expected him to stay at your parents, but not at the moment.

Babsy2703 · 25/06/2023 22:31

I couldn't imagine living a life knowing my mum is dying, it must be so hard for him, it's no excuse for the cheap shot about work though.

I would imagine he just wanted a night to himself and should have just said so, you are both under immense pressure, I would let it slide just now and chat when things settle down a bit.

LaBefana · 25/06/2023 22:31

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2023 22:18

I'm guessing the last place is wants to be is at your parents while his own mum is dying.

People say hurtful crap when they want to be left alone. He said he didn't want to, you kept on at him. He said something hurtful so you would shut up and leave him alone

This is my take. I hate it when people won't take no for an answer. I hope there isn't karma from this.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/06/2023 22:33

Yeah you shouldn’t have pressed in this situation.

I do think at some point in the future you both need to revisit you not working. It would appear he’s not as fine with it as you (both) may think.