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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the arsehole here? Honest opinions please

84 replies

NotGotAClue1 · 25/06/2023 22:09

My partner works in a highly stressed but well-paid job and his mum is dying. I currently don’t work (joint decision) and stay at home with our son who has an operation next week. My partner booked the day off so he could meet us at the hospital on the day. Me and our son are staying at my parents the night before as they live closer and will drop us off.

My partner now has the whole week off due to his mum so I asked if he was going to stay with us at my parents the night before. He said he didn’t want to as he has work to catch up on and wants to run a few errands. I said we didn’t have to go until late in the day so he has time to do his other things and that he could do work at my parents but he just came back with excuses.

It turned into an argument and he said to back off/ leave him alone, I was adding to his stress and that I should go and do his job and earn what he earns etc. Stupid thing to say and a jibe about me not working as I’m not qualified to and could never command his salary.

OP posts:

AlwaysGinPlease · 26/06/2023 13:43

GCalltheway · 26/06/2023 12:52

Very insensitive op. If my mum was dying I really wouldn’t want to spend the night at someone else’s.

You have one child and are a SAHP of course you have it much easier than him, I think this needs to be acknowledged fully. He has the lions share of the stress and exhaustion.

This. I think you're in the wrong here OP. Very selfish.

InSpainTheRain · 26/06/2023 19:35

I think you are being unreasonable. His Mum is dying and you're hassling him when he's try to cover work, worry about his Mum and DS has an operation.

ProfessorXtra · 26/06/2023 19:55

I am the bread winner of this household. My mum died really suddenly 18 months ago. It’s been so hard knowing that my kids needed me to keep working, keep at it. I actually only had one full day off. Some days were just half an hour or an hour here or there. Some days were more. more pressure would have tipped me over the edge. Someone not taking no for answer would have also tipped me over the edge, especially if it came with pressure to change how I was juggling everything. The last 18 months have been the worst I have ever had. I feel like I will never be ok, happy or relaxed again.

Like the Dp here I have a job where bits need doing here and there if I am off at short notice. I imagine trying to work and having to do this while your mum is dying is really awful. The added stress of knowing all the bills come down to you and you need to hold it together compounds that.

However, not working when you have a partner but aren’t married is a huge risk. It’s risky even when married. But a massive one when not married. Especially, if the partner likes to throw the lack of earnings at you. If it was just this once while so much is going on, it wouldn’t be as a bad. But doing it a lot isn’t ok.

If I were you op, I would be seeing your child’s operation and recovery through and start looking how you can optimise your earnings. Retraining or something.

billy1966 · 26/06/2023 20:00

Bibbetybobbity · 25/06/2023 23:42

Listen to his comments about you not working- he means this, no matter what he says when he’s less stressed. 100% would make active steps towards getting a job this year. Lots of people battle through high childcare costs when it doesn’t initially make huge financial sense, but these are joint costs and it’s worth it long term.

This.

You are so vulnerable not married and not working.

Get a job in the evenings or weekends, but you need to get back to work.

If you cannot affor childcare for one child, you have no business having more children.

Qbish · 26/06/2023 20:05

Well there's two things going on here:

a) You clearly need to stand on your own two feet and get a job.

b) His mother is dying. He doesn't want to stay with your mother (I hate doing that too, I like being at home). You are being a dick.

Just imagine - if it were your mother dying, and he was hassling you to stay somewhere you didn't want to, and which would make absolutely no difference to anything, how would you feel?!

CC222 · 26/06/2023 20:34

If this was unusual behaviour for him, I'd say definitely let it go and just be there for him.
If he extended his leave from a day to a week because of his mum, then I'm guessing things are quite bad and that's going to be heavily playing on his mind.
Maybe it's best you don't expect him to come to the op, I know that's also so important. But his mum is dying and he should be given extra allowances and support for the time being..

Innocents4321 · 26/06/2023 20:35

I’d let it go. He’s having a hard time and lashing out.

I8toys · 26/06/2023 20:43

YABU - his mum is dying. He's obviously got a lot on his shoulders and is feeling the pressure. PIL house would be the last place you would want to be.

standardduck · 26/06/2023 20:48

His mum is dying, I would cut him some slack.

It also doesn't sound like he is okay with you not working and him being the sole provider. Sounds like a stressful time all around.

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