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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the arsehole here? Honest opinions please

84 replies

NotGotAClue1 · 25/06/2023 22:09

My partner works in a highly stressed but well-paid job and his mum is dying. I currently don’t work (joint decision) and stay at home with our son who has an operation next week. My partner booked the day off so he could meet us at the hospital on the day. Me and our son are staying at my parents the night before as they live closer and will drop us off.

My partner now has the whole week off due to his mum so I asked if he was going to stay with us at my parents the night before. He said he didn’t want to as he has work to catch up on and wants to run a few errands. I said we didn’t have to go until late in the day so he has time to do his other things and that he could do work at my parents but he just came back with excuses.

It turned into an argument and he said to back off/ leave him alone, I was adding to his stress and that I should go and do his job and earn what he earns etc. Stupid thing to say and a jibe about me not working as I’m not qualified to and could never command his salary.

OP posts:

Seaitoverthere · 26/06/2023 10:23

That was absolutely not a nice comment and something that needs discussing at some point in the future. It’s an incredibly stressful time for you both and it is a case of getting through it. It is most likely going to be stressful for some time with his Mother dying as there will be things to sort out, how much depends on her circumstances .

Nowvoyager99 · 26/06/2023 10:26

I don’t understand. You said he has now taken the whole week off? So why is he saying he can’t go with you because of work?

I would probably cut him some slack as his mum is dying, but the comments about you not working are unacceptable. Unless he wants to swap or both work PT?

SunnyEgg · 26/06/2023 10:29

I agree with pp let it go.

Kisskiss · 26/06/2023 11:01

He’s got a lot going on, I think you shouldn’t hold anything he says in these few weeks over his head/as a grudge

Theunamedcat · 26/06/2023 11:04

Retrain if you can it sounds like you might need a high paying job in the future

NeedToChangeName · 26/06/2023 11:12

Very dangerous to rely financially on someone who resents supporting you. You need to address that, when the time is right

BigRedsBalloon · 26/06/2023 11:14

You are bing impossibly unreasonable

towriteyoumustlive · 26/06/2023 11:14

It sounds like his high salary is coming at quite a price to his mental health.

Perhaps the two of you should sit down and work out a more sensible lifestyle plan moving forwards, as this high stress job may not be sustainable for him.

Perhaps he could take a lower paid less stressful job, then you work too? You could always work evenings so that childcare isn't then an issue.

CostelloJones · 26/06/2023 11:18

You’ve both got a lot going on and he’s probably just really stressed about it.

It makes sense for him to have a quiet evening/morning to catch up on work in his own space, in peace IMO

he probably really needs it

can you see if there’s a chance you can get a calm morning to yourself too later in the week

converseandjeans · 26/06/2023 11:31

I don't understand why he needs to stay over at your parents. He's obviously juggling his time off & trying to keep on top of work. I think you need to get back to work tbh so a) he feels like he's not the only earner b) he can support with DS c) you have an idea what it's like to juggle work and home.

FatCatBum · 26/06/2023 11:33

Personally I think you were being quite unreasonable. I say this as the breadwinner in our house, it's a lot of pressure being the person financially supporting an entire family.

On top of that your son is having an op which he'll be concerned about and his mum is dying. He's naturally wanting to take time of work for both of those things but the work doesn't go away so he will be trying to keep on top of that too, because he can't risk his job.

You have chosen to go to your parents as it makes things easier, but expecting him to do work there is unreasonable, particularly as he doesn't have things set up and i'm sure that if he actually does try to work you'll be badgering him to stop what he's doing and come and be sociable with your family

Should he have made that comment? No, it was a cheap shot, but I think you were being unreasonable by not listening to what he was saying and wanting things your own way

OhComeOnFFS · 26/06/2023 11:36

When things are back to normal you really do need to think about whether you are taking care of your own financial needs, given you're not married. He's progressing in his career; yours has stopped dead in its tracks. He's putting money towards a pension; you are not. He's being horrible to you about you not working - this doesn't give me hope it's a very long-term relationship.

Be very very careful, OP - you are in a very vulnerable situation.

GoldfincTart · 26/06/2023 11:41

His mum's dying and at the moment he can't cope with anything that feels like pressure. He may just want a day or two of peace and quiet on his own to deal with his grief (because he's already grieving), have a cry or whatever in private. Obviously you're under stress too with the operation and hospital, but in these circumstances I'd respect his wishes and let him call the shots and do what he needs to do to get through this.

Being in someone else's house, living with their routine and food and expectations, is always stressful, no matter how much you know and like them. It's possible that spending time with your mum when his own is dying is going to be difficult for him. Try to understand that. Put yourself in his shoes.

It sounds as if you have your parents to support you, which is great. Good luck to all of you. Not an easy time in anyone's life.

JuneOsborne · 26/06/2023 11:41

Now probably isn't the time to have the very necessary conversation about you not working and him being nasty about it whenever you have a row.

You're financially very vulnerable op. Unmarried and unemployed. If he calls time, where does that leave you?

Barney60 · 26/06/2023 11:47

This...
I'm guessing the last place is wants to be is at your parents while his own mum is dying.
People say hurtful crap when they want to be left alone. He said he didn't want to, you kept on at him. He said something hurtful so you would shut up and leave him alone

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/06/2023 11:56

Essentially it's two completely separate issues which have become conflated because of this stressful situation:

a) You trying to persuade him to stay over at your parents when his mum was dying: you should have known when to let this drop. Reasonable to ask once, not reasonable to go on and on about it. It's perfectly fair that he doesn't want to do this and it was always going to aggravate him you hammering away at it.

b) His comment about supporting you: this was out of order in any scenario and what's worrying is that this isn't the first time he's said it. I agree with PPs that now isn't the moment to turn this into a flashpoint but you really don't want to be dependent long term on someone who resents having to support you, even if "officially" they say its OK. Particularly if you're not married. Once your DC's op is out of the way and when he's in a better state of mind focus on getting a job.

Thisshallneverpass · 26/06/2023 12:04

Oysterbabe · 25/06/2023 22:14

He's had a lot going on and was looking forward to a night alone.

This.

Its stressful being at someone else's house. You need to be 'on'. He's doesn't need that right now.

Thisshallneverpass · 26/06/2023 12:10

The jibes about you not working are worrying though.

They show he does not actually value your contribution to the family through being a SAHM. He sounds like he already has the mentality of men who split from their SAHW when the bulk of child rearing is done and then try to hide away as much of 'their' money as possible from their wife in the divorce.

I hope he is paying into a pension for you, that you have assets signed over to your name, have your own money and have otherwise protected yourself financially as well as you can in this arrangement. And yes, start working. Being a SAHW is always a gamble (with the risk being all on the wife) and I would not trust a man who makes comments like this at all.

Marmalade71 · 26/06/2023 12:22

Your last post wasn't clear? Do you mean you can't afford to get a job because of childcare? If so that's a whole other issue around shared costs.
I do feel the pushing him about staying over will have been annoying BUT the fact he chose your SAHM status to dig at you is telling. I'm afraid my old mum learned a lesson from her own childhood that women should never make themselves financially reliant on a man and nothing that I've seen or heard in the intervening 50 years has changed my view. Men often say they're happy to be the breadwinner but they expect the "marriage boss" status as a result. The power imbalance in your earnings and sadly, in the marriage, will only get greater the longer you stay out of work.

Marmalade71 · 26/06/2023 12:30

Stick everything I've said about going back to work in massive font CAPs now I realise you're not married!!

Frogmila · 26/06/2023 12:42

I understand you are worried about your son but he also has his mother dying. You have your parents there for support and he planned to join later.

Straight question, why could you not understand why he might need some time alone and/ or not want to have to chat etc with someone else's parents who are relatively fit and well if they're driving you around? Why did you not take no for an answer?

He made a cheap shot but I think you need to really think about your role in this, in terms of considering his needs at such a hard time.

If he keeps going back to the point about work consider going back. The arrangement may not be working so well for him. If his mum is on her deathbed this may not be the time though. I think a bit more empathy will go a long way, even when you're going through a difficult time.

LondonPapa · 26/06/2023 12:49

NotGotAClue1 · 25/06/2023 23:35

I would like to get back into some kind of work at some point but unfortunately, although he earns a good salary, I couldn’t afford it on my the sort of money I would be earning and he cannot afford it on top of everything else.

Show quote history

You can't afford part time work? Is this due to the associated costs of childcare while you work as otherwise, it doesn't make sense.

As it is, this isn't the time to sort the work out. Wait a while and let him grieve.

GCalltheway · 26/06/2023 12:52

Very insensitive op. If my mum was dying I really wouldn’t want to spend the night at someone else’s.

You have one child and are a SAHP of course you have it much easier than him, I think this needs to be acknowledged fully. He has the lions share of the stress and exhaustion.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 26/06/2023 12:55

The comment about work is unreasonable but we all say dickish things from time to time when we are stressed.

I'd assume he probably just wants an evening to himself and I don't blame him under the circumstances, I'd have just let it go.

born2runaway · 26/06/2023 13:37

His mum is dying so please do make allowances for him

You dont really need him to stay with you at your
Parents, do you?

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