Am I the arsehole here? Honest opinions please

[NotGotAClue1]

My partner works in a highly stressed but well-paid job and his mum is dying. I currently don’t work (joint decision) and stay at home with our son who has an operation next week. My partner booked the day off so he could meet us at the hospital on the day. Me and our son are staying at my parents the night before as they live closer and will drop us off.

My partner now has the whole week off due to his mum so I asked if he was going to stay with us at my parents the night before. He said he didn’t want to as he has work to catch up on and wants to run a few errands. I said we didn’t have to go until late in the day so he has time to do his other things and that he could do work at my parents but he just came back with excuses.

It turned into an argument and he said to back off/ leave him alone, I was adding to his stress and that I should go and do his job and earn what he earns etc. Stupid thing to say and a jibe about me not working as I’m not qualified to and could never command his salary.

There are things you can change and things you can’t.
You can’t change his mum dying and it’s really important he has no regrets afterwards — wishing he’d spent more time with her for example. This eats away at a person and interferes with the grieving process.
You can’t change your son’s op and obviously you want him to be as calm and confident as possible over that.
The two things together are very stressful for both of you so I’d suggest divide and conquer. You concentrate on your son, get your DPs to help you where possible and let your DH spend as much time with his mum and arrange his work around that.

His mum is dying

You need to cut him some slack for a while there.

That's two really difficult things to have on at the same time. Just get through this time and then see where you end up.

I love my in-laws, but when my dad was dying and just after I found it very difficult to be playing happy families with DH's side. He maybe just can't face it.

he has made comments before even though he has said numerous times he is happy with our situation. He throws it in my face when we argue which is unfair. His favourite line, you go get a job and I’ll look after our son :(

You are both under a tremendous amount of stress at the moment. I can understand why he might prefer not spending the night at your parents house under the circumstances.

When things have calmed down somewhat I'd certainly discuss this issue about his comments regarding you not working. That's not fair to you at all. If there's a need to reassess your employment status then that's a discussion the two of you can/should have, but he sounds resentful and that needs to be addressed.

I do think you were a bit unfair on him, you asked him if he was coming, he said no, you shouldn't have tried to change his mind, that's really annoying at the best of times but to do it when he's stressed about his mum is a bit off.
As for him throwing the "you work and I'll look after our son" comment at you, next time he says it call his bluff and say fine, maybe not just now though

His Mum is dying, you need to back off.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that just because his mother is dying doesn’t mean he can turn into a prick where his wife and child is concerned. I might bite my tongue right now but these issues need to be revisited and thrashed out at some point.

It didn’t ‘turn into an argument’ YOU turned it into an argument by not backing off when he asked you to. You’re both stressed and I’m not surprised he lashed out at you. You should be his rock at a time like this, not starting an argument over literally nothing.

there is absolutely no need for him to stay over at your in laws and I wouldn’t want to either if my mum was dying, I’d want to be in my own home and able to get things done while I could. If anything it would surely be more reasonable with the change of plans now to all stay at home the night before the op and ask you in laws to pick you up from there the next day to take you to the hospital? or if your husband was going to meet you there anyway, he could drive you all?

His mum is dying, give him some space and find some empathy too.

A chunk of this story is missing.

You suggested he stay at your parents’ house. He didn’t want to. You told him why you thought he was wrong. He, according to you, “made excuses” (i.e. wouldn’t just give in and agree).

How did it “end up in an argument”? My guess is that you picked and picked and picked until he snapped.

I wouldn't use the word arsehole, but I think you were wrong to have a go at him for not wanting to come and stay at your Mum's.
His work have given him some leave because of his Mum. Not to go and stay at his in-laws. He is presumably spending a lot of time with his Mum, as it will be the last time he can do, therefore he can't really take time off from that to go and stay with your parents. It wouldn't be right from his work pov, but more importantly - his Mum is dying. Give the man some space, emotionally. He doesn't know on that day how she will be or where and how he will be.

No, what he said isn't ideal, but I refer back to where he 'is' at the moment.

Get a job!

Well would you stay at his parents? I don't mind my own but no way on this earth would I stay at mil. She's fine but no way.
He's very stressed about his parent, missing a whole week so far and will be more and you want him to work at your parents?
Maybe your mum could come with you to the op as he now has other things to cope with?
And it is very stressful being the higher earner never mind if you don't work at all.

What's with the flood of Reddit posts? I thought the strike was over.
This is AIBU not AITA.
In any case yes, YABU, I mean him picking on you as a SAHM is one thing but why are you so insistent that he should stay at your parents?

It doesn't sound like he was making excuses as such, more likely being diplomatic. He doesn't want to spend the evenings your parents house. That's not relaxing at all. Your role is housewife and primary carer and you've chosen to stay at your parents because it makes your job easier.
Personally I don't think he's unreasonable to expect an evening of solitude to catch up a bit and just be alone with his feelings.
He's coming tomorrow for your sons sake and I'm sure after a good night's sleep on his own he'll be feeling better for it.
I'm not sure quite why it's turned into an ugly row. Stress? Heat? If your marriage is otherwise good I'd let this one go.

Thanks for the replies everybody. It’s good to hear impartial opinions and different perspectives. I will apologise and let things go this time but as some posters have suggested, we will have a conversation about the work comments at some point.

Yep exactly this.

First of all his mum is dying. That must be a horrible thing to go through. Secondly why does he need to stay over at your parents when that clearly wasn’t the plan? Why should he move things around and do his work at your parents when presumably he can do it at home? Doesn’t seem to make much sense.

You kept on at him, he took a cheap shot and now he’s the bad guy. If he’s made multiple comments like this before then maybe you should start looking for a part time job at the very least?

I would like to get back into some kind of work at some point but unfortunately, although he earns a good salary, I couldn’t afford it on my the sort of money I would be earning and he cannot afford it on top of everything else.

I don’t really understand your post but surely you can look for a part time job as opposed to being a SAHM?

Or are you saying that childcare will be an issue?

Listen to his comments about you not working- he means this, no matter what he says when he’s less stressed. 100% would make active steps towards getting a job this year. Lots of people battle through high childcare costs when it doesn’t initially make huge financial sense, but these are joint costs and it’s worth it long term.

It can be great in theory to agree to one parent staying home full time, but for it to feel less great in practice. When I didn't work, my DH felt like he had to do anything/everything his boss wanted as he couldn't afford to lose his job. We were also immigrants on a visa, so our whole living situation relied on him. He said it made work so much harder. I couldn't work because of our visas, and as soon as I could work and got a job, he felt the stress lighten.

It isn't nice of him to make a jibe, but he could be regretting the situation and not know how to talk about it. Of course, he should grow up and have a conversation with you, not make snide comments, but when his mum is dying is not the time.

Give him a break. Can’t believe you’re asking here!!!
he must be in turmoil and agony
let it slide and step up with love.

I don't quite understand, why did he need to stay over at your parents?

Sorry but you were, a bit. His mum is dying and he needs some alone time. Any other issues you may have can be worked on later.