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AIBU?

All women I know are in my situation

1000 replies

growli · 25/06/2023 13:17

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

OP posts:
Onekidnoclue · 25/06/2023 13:18

It’s shit!!! I feel you. I look at these amazing women and the men are mediocre. It’s depressing as fuck.

Onekidnoclue · 25/06/2023 13:19

Also men happily benchmark themselves against other blokes doing naff all. They don’t have any desire for self improvement or leading the way.

SuperSange · 25/06/2023 13:19

Perhaps it's a small sample size. I don't put up with it, so now we do 50:50 around the house, child sorting, most jobs. You just need to be clear what you'll out up with, state your boundary then stick to it. It's hard to do, but if you don't, nothing will change.

Hothotdamage · 25/06/2023 13:20

I don't know how many women you know well enough that is their situation but it's not the case with my circle of friends .

TightPants · 25/06/2023 13:20

Even the women I know with ‘good’ husbands carry all the mental load 🙄

bobblyjob · 25/06/2023 13:20

This is not the case with the women I know. I mean yes there might be some slight imbalance but it’s more that the dad only has sole childcare on 2 days while the woman has 3 or something.
or that they don’t enjoy it as much or find it stressful but they still get on with it. And balance out in different ways
I would say it is maybe 1 husband of 10 who is as you describe. Mind you the women I know are all the higher earners with men who value them and their work

Kam610 · 25/06/2023 13:20

Yup, exactly the same situation, I could have written that word for word!

Daisiesandprimroses · 25/06/2023 13:21

This isn’t my world, we do 5o/50 and all my friends are the same. As I’ve not experienced it I don’t understand how it gets to this stage. In my world you just say your turn and agree a split of things to do. You don’t just do it.

EbonyRaven · 25/06/2023 13:21

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but not all women have men like this. As a pp said, if you put up with it, and let it happen, and don't put any rules in place, and make things change, you only have yourself to blame. Most men are inherently lazy, and won't do anything if they don't have to. Kick his arse into shape and make him do 50/50.

SunnySummerPlease · 25/06/2023 13:22

YANBU, this is why I split & am not looking for another useless waste of oxygen - single life is infinitely better & you get some weekend off!

Opaque11 · 25/06/2023 13:23

I have to say that this is not my reality at all. My dad, db, dh are all pretty much equal partners. My ds will have good role models. As for friends, I don't know any one of the males who are useless as you describe. All of us are professional women too, but I don't think any one of us would sit back and roll over. From my pov this is a huge generalisation, but this is based on my own experience.

Opaque11 · 25/06/2023 13:24

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but not all women have men like this. As a pp said, if you put up with it, and let it happen, and don't put any rules in place, and make things change, you only have yourself to blame.

Yep, Stop complaining about something you're part of enabling.

growli · 25/06/2023 13:24

Opaque11 · 25/06/2023 13:23

I have to say that this is not my reality at all. My dad, db, dh are all pretty much equal partners. My ds will have good role models. As for friends, I don't know any one of the males who are useless as you describe. All of us are professional women too, but I don't think any one of us would sit back and roll over. From my pov this is a huge generalisation, but this is based on my own experience.

It is a generalisation of course.

But it's all the women I know.

The only ones that seem to have a better situation are on women on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 25/06/2023 13:25

It’s all too common a tale. The bar for men is incredibly low.

All you have to do to be considered ‘a great father’ is physically be in the house some of the time and have a job. Take the kids to the park for half an hour and you’ve reached superdad proportions.

Same with housework. Man puts on a load of his own laundry and people tell you that you should be grateful for it.

depressing.

LanaDelRaybans · 25/06/2023 13:26

The mental load as mentioned upthread is crushing. I'm a walking personal assistant for 3 people, keeping track of all dates of importance, all the daily planning, nothing would get done without me.

I often ponder what alternate reality I'd have to be living in to be on the receiving end of having my house cleaned, clothes washed and ironed, my day planned for me, meals cooked, holidays planned and paid for... I wouldn't know how to live like that!

growli · 25/06/2023 13:27

EbonyRaven · 25/06/2023 13:21

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but not all women have men like this. As a pp said, if you put up with it, and let it happen, and don't put any rules in place, and make things change, you only have yourself to blame. Most men are inherently lazy, and won't do anything if they don't have to. Kick his arse into shape and make him do 50/50.

That's easily said. It's not like we just all shut up and take it. But they just don't listen / tell you that you're a massive nag and refuse to make any proper changes.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 25/06/2023 13:28

Not my situation as a lone parent and don't have to look after a useless man child. I often read these threads and think my life is a lot more peaceful without a crap partner.

FindingTheFox · 25/06/2023 13:28

This is not my experience, nor that of the manjority of my friends. I know a few useless husbands/dads but they're very much the minority.

Hbh17 · 25/06/2023 13:29

Not something I have come across with my friends, tbh, and definitely not for me.

IncomingTraffic · 25/06/2023 13:29

the ‘just make him’ argument still leaves the woman responsible for nagging him and ‘whipping him into shape’.

as others have said, you end up with the mental load and supervisory duties of a strategically incompetent adult

Glittertrauma · 25/06/2023 13:29

I don't relate to this at all. My husband and I both work full time in senior jobs. He does just as much around the house as I do, and I don't need to 'remind' him either. If the forecast is good he will stick the washing on etc. He does half the cooking. He's very clean. He's also very good at DIY and will do things like replacing the garden fence, painting or tiling. I assumed this was pretty normal until I joined Mumsnet. Now I realise its very 'lucky' (although it shouldn't be) Life would be quite hellish if this wasn't the case - despite sharing the load it can still be exhausting. I can't imagine how tough it us for women who have been sold 'having it all' only to find no support. I do wonder why women tolerate men children though. I wouldn't be picking up the slack if he didn't do his part. The men I read about on here are awful. But they are also allowed to be awful by women accommodating them too much.

purplepandas · 25/06/2023 13:30

I hear you, I don't have any answers. It's the mental load that is indeed crushing to use a previous poster's words.

planningnightmare · 25/06/2023 13:31

DH tried to be like this. I insisted on a 50/50 split of chores. the way to achieve 50/50 is by dividing the chores into his and mine jobs, so there is never a question who's chore it is. if his chores don't get done, I NEVER compensate for it. things simply don't get done, but I structured it so those rare occasions don't affect me: i.e. we each do our own laundry and split the rest of the family laundry, for example.

Skatingwaiting · 25/06/2023 13:31

I honestly can’t think of one woman I know who has a husband who is desirable , not in an attractive way, but in a practical , good partner sense. That’s not to say I don’t know people in long happy marriages, but the ones I do have a level of compromise which I could never accept in terms of how much slack the woman picks up, or how much crappy behaviour from the man is accepted . I can say hand on heart that I’ve never encountered a man who hasn’t disappointed me , and tbh I’ve given up hope that men who don’t disappoint exist. That would sound as if I have impossibly high standards but it’s really not the case, just basic standards of being a decent human. I’d love to be proven wrong.

MintJulia · 25/06/2023 13:32

I didn't end up like that. When ds was born, his dad morphed into 1950s man, expecting me to cook, clean, do all child related stuff, not have any say.

So I left. Found a new job. Rented a flat, moved 80 miles away, then bought our house. Took ds with me. Now we have a nice life. Ex made himself irrelevant...his loss.

He pays half but gets none of the joy of our child. Meanwhile ds and I have a lovely chilled life, not having to cook or clean for an overgrown bone-idle man baby. Keeping house without a man in it is easy.

But I know what you mean OP. I look at my married friends and very few are happy. It's such a waste. 🙁

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