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AIBU?

All women I know are in my situation

1000 replies

growli · 25/06/2023 13:17

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

OP posts:
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NameChangerPlease · 25/06/2023 14:05

@MotherOfRatios yes but my point is people change over years not just one or a few dates. Do you can watch all this behaviour and it might not be true.

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Letittow · 25/06/2023 14:06

Tandora · 25/06/2023 14:00

that's not normal you know no matter how much he might tell you it is

thing is it is normal, if by Normal you mean common/ typical/ average.

For someone to be a 'nasty twat' when you ask them to something? Nope that's not normal. Being a lazy bastard might be sadly but it is undoubtedly pathetic for a man to only do something when asked.

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TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/06/2023 14:06

We split actual chores, housework etc 50/50. However, it's the mental load that's the problem. I carry all of that for 3 kids, dog, husband. And i work 4 days a week. I can't help but think that in my case the issue is dh thinks his job is soooooo much more important and stressful than mine. He gets to just focus on his v important job and himself, i have to focus on work and remember everything else too.

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WonderfulUsername · 25/06/2023 14:07

We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

Surely not?

Surely you would've been told if you study hard and are successful in careers, you won't have to end up being slaves to your husbands and children?

I mean as in you'll have the choice not to be?

I have the choice and I choose not to be 🤷‍♀️

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SpringIntoChaos · 25/06/2023 14:07

I suspect this is a case of 'like attracts like'. So, your circle of friends are all the same because you attract the same kinds of friends.

I could not be friends with people like you OP...and I'm not even going to apologise for being so blunt about that 🤷‍♀️ I would honestly end up saying something scathing about how you are simply bringing about your own misery to be honest!

My own circle of friends are nothing like yours...the women are strong, independent women who simply wouldn't put up with that crap! And their husbands/partners are ok with that and wouldn't treat them with such contempt!

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IHateLegDay · 25/06/2023 14:07

My circle of friends is the exact opposite. All men are hands on dads and do loads around the house. I only know of one dad that doesn't pull his weight.
Trust me, the right men are out there xxx

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Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:07

I am a mother of adult sons and I want you to know that I would be incensed if either of them behaved like your DH. I also know other women whose husbands didn't behave in this way.

I must admit I experienced this too but had no back up from family or my friends at the time and wasn't aware of this website so was a bit brainwashed to expect it tbh. I don't think it's good enough though. My husband is much more involved now but it's too late really to bring back any affection for him. I am just biding my time to leave. Don't be me and waste your youth on these selfish gits. You deserve so much better.

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DizzyRascal · 25/06/2023 14:09

I will be making sure our son is not lazy like his dad. I blame his mother for doing everything for him and pandering to his every need.

Will you indeed. Good luck with that, because actually, it's not the fault of mothers that boys model their fathers behaviour. If fathers weren't lazy and selfish then it's unlikely their sons would turn out that way too.

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RosesAndHellebores · 25/06/2023 14:09

I think it happens because women settle.

I did all the domestic and child stuff when the dc were small, organised every workman, school, etc. DH looks at a screwdriver as though it has emerged from an archaeological dig. He still likes me to put his ironed shirts on his cupboard door for him (I don't iron them) and likes his pants and hankies pressed his way and his socks folded).

However he paid:

The cleaner
The workmen
The nursery/school fees
The bills
For holidays
For Christmas
For my car
For additional childcare
Everything the dc and I needed when I had 7 years off

He also worked 12-14 hour days and I considered our input equal.

Had he been a lazy bastard, arguing about the supermarket spends or the cost of childrens' shoes, had I had to wok outside the home to make ends meet and if he expected to have his dinner on the table and ever criticised the state of the house, he could have shoved off. That would be called taking the tiddle in my book.

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mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:09

Opaque11 · 25/06/2023 13:23

I have to say that this is not my reality at all. My dad, db, dh are all pretty much equal partners. My ds will have good role models. As for friends, I don't know any one of the males who are useless as you describe. All of us are professional women too, but I don't think any one of us would sit back and roll over. From my pov this is a huge generalisation, but this is based on my own experience.

I agree with this and OP- you say all your friends are similar but unless you have millions of women as friends I dont know how you can generalise that to say its common? Of course there are many shit men out there but many of my friends simply wouldnt put up with this kind of crap-they'd threaten to leave and tell them to start pulling their weight or else they can fck right off. Have all these men suddenly changed when they got married? did you see no red flags when dating? or did they suddenly turn into useless lumps on the honeymoon? I am not blaming women when I say this, I just struggle to believe that all these men were simply wonderful when dating for years and then overnight became absolute bastards. Isnt it more the case that they slipped into laziness and learnt helplessness because women were picking up the slack and accepting it?

Maybe if more women started to consider the possibility of leaving it would force these men into having a good long look at themselves. I realise this is easier said than done but whats the alternative?- a life of misery and bitterness

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DustyLee123 · 25/06/2023 14:10

Sheruns · 25/06/2023 14:05

I left my ex for this reason. It was made by worse by the fact he was in the forces and was away for a long time at a time. I worked full time with two under two and literally everything fell to me even when he was home.

I made myself ill and my mental health was a disaster. Over time, without even realising, I feel out of love with him and grew to resent him. I was as surprised as he was when I told him it was over. I figured doing it all myself was better than constantly being let down.

He promised me the world and how much he was going to change. I still left. I had lost all respect for him.

We're amicably divorced now. He does more for the children than he ever did when we were together. He has a new partner and I believe he does his share with her.

My partner has never been married before. He does his share and more.

These men exist. You only get one life. Don't waste it being undervalued and taken for granted.

I just wanted to pick out some things you have written -
I fell out of love with him
grew to resent him
he- was going to change
lost all respect

This is me exactly. I used to adore him.

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TheCrystalPalace · 25/06/2023 14:11

Dh and are are around 60 years old and married for nearly 30 years. He grew up with a SAHM and did absolutely nothing for himself until he moved out, late 20s. He then had a complete turnaround and has pulled his weight in our marriage 50/50. I have always worked, going back after 5 months with both babies. No extended maternity leave in the 90s.
My view, which luckily DH shares, is that it's about fairness. Why SHOULD one of us do everything, whilst the other lolls around or swans off out to do a hobby that takes them away for hours on end with no reciprocal arrangement for the other partner? My dad, who would now be in his 90s, did loads around the house when I was growing up as my mum also worked full-time from when I was about 4. That's been my norm and I expect nothing different in my relationship.
Maybe we just attract friends who operate in the same way, but if I look around at our friends and family, in most of the couples the blokes are every bit as hands on in the kitchen as the women - more so in many cases (and 100% in ours - I HATE cooking).

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Tandora · 25/06/2023 14:12

SerafinasGoose · 25/06/2023 14:05

Not the case for me, either. We are both professionals, work full-time and have one child.

We have a cleaner. I'd never want a nanny, but as we both pull our weight we don't need one. Household labour and childcare are divided fairly equally. DH is better than me in the mornings so he takes on the morning tasks. I'm better in the evenings, helping with homework etc. The only thing I have to complain about is DH chucking clean laundry in the baskets without folding it, always leaving clothes inside out when taking them off, and the numerous missing socks (which are always DH's socks, because he slings them into drawers without their pair!)

I'm sure there are things I do/don't do that piss him off as well. But we are an equal team. If one of us is having a stressful period or has a deadline to meet, the other picks up the slack in the meantime. Neither of us ever has to 'nag' (hate that misogynistic term) the other.

If this form of equality seems a MN only phenomenon, then I've met it offline too. Most of the professional women in my workplace are in a similar situation to mine. Children need to be taken care of - able-bodied adult men and women do not.

Most of the professional women in my workplace are in a similar situation to mine

ugh with your implied snobbery. I know a lot of “professional” women, whose earnings vastly outstrip their husbands. They still do the lions share of the project management of home and child affairs. Tasks they don’t have time for they outsource to female employees (cleaners / nannies etc) largely funded through their own wages.

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Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:12

Letittow · 25/06/2023 14:06

For someone to be a 'nasty twat' when you ask them to something? Nope that's not normal. Being a lazy bastard might be sadly but it is undoubtedly pathetic for a man to only do something when asked.

Absolutely and fgs they don't behave like that before you marry them! They wait until you're already tied down with children and a job that ideally doesn't pay as much as the husbands because they have more control then.

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GenderCriticalTrumpets · 25/06/2023 14:12

My H does absolutely loads round the house, has supported me through a degree, an MA, 2 lots of post grad training, and really horrible family stuff. My job has more flexibility so I have done most of the school drop offs but he's helped out wherever I can. He doesn't sulk if we can't have sex but when we do it is fantastic (18 years on). In return I look after him too, make him stuff he loves to eat, support him, care about him. We are a team and we are each others number 1 priorities (except the kids and dog). They are definitely out there.

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LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 25/06/2023 14:12

I feel like I was conditioned to believe this inequality was normal. So normal I couldn't even put my finger on it. I was astonished at how easy my life was after I left him.

I'm now with a woman and our egalitarian relationship is a joy. Obviously not the option for everyone!

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Blaggingit123 · 25/06/2023 14:13

It’s not true for me and I don’t know why other women accept it really. DH does all the ironing, 80% of the cooking and half of the cleaning. I do most of the washing as I’m at home (working) most days. I do take most of the mental load which is tiring at times, but as DH reminds me, I feel that I need to control/know everything so can’t see myself ever giving that up. I work at home not quite full time, DH is out from 7.30-5.30 mon-Fri.

I don’t agree that it’s how you’re brought up really either, MIL did everything for DH, it was his nan that taught him how to cook. We’ve been together since our early 20s, gone through 2 maternity leaves and lots of promotions but the split has never really changed except I do slightly less cooking than I used to and we’ve had a cleaner at times but don’t now.

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ZeppelinTits · 25/06/2023 14:13

IncomingTraffic · 25/06/2023 13:29

the ‘just make him’ argument still leaves the woman responsible for nagging him and ‘whipping him into shape’.

as others have said, you end up with the mental load and supervisory duties of a strategically incompetent adult

This!!! This kind of assumption fills me with rage. Why should the onus be on the woman to 'lay down the rules' else she only has herself to blame? Why can't men just step up and not be entitled, coasting knobs so much of the time?
I think this kind of stuff is deeply societally entrenched and has been formed over millennia. I don't expect it to be changed any time soon. But 'just not putting up with it' is an attitude that still colludes with the assumption that men are going to need marshalling and dealing with. That we can expect them to give less, take the mick, skive off. It's quite a depressing assumption but I realise how ingrained it is and people don't really think about it.

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ripplingwater · 25/06/2023 14:13

SpringIntoChaos · 25/06/2023 14:07

I suspect this is a case of 'like attracts like'. So, your circle of friends are all the same because you attract the same kinds of friends.

I could not be friends with people like you OP...and I'm not even going to apologise for being so blunt about that 🤷‍♀️ I would honestly end up saying something scathing about how you are simply bringing about your own misery to be honest!

My own circle of friends are nothing like yours...the women are strong, independent women who simply wouldn't put up with that crap! And their husbands/partners are ok with that and wouldn't treat them with such contempt!

This was my thought too- if you have a lazy arsehole for a husband, it makes sense you would gravitate to other women in similar situations because then you end up all comparing notes and talking about it. You probably wouldnt naturally strike up friendships with women with capable husbands because then you'd feel like you had nothing in common and the husband comparison would be naturally uncomfortable so you wouldnt choose to hang around with those people. There is a saying that we are the 5 people we spend time with and in my experience, thats absolutely true.

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violetshampoo · 25/06/2023 14:14

Haven’t read all the replies yet - but I’d say this is broadly true amongst my friends also. My DH is one of the ‘good’ ones to the outside world because he does most of the cooking, drops kids off at school/picks up when he can etc (some husbands I know are totally invisible!) and does DIY…however, the vast majority of the domestic load falls to me. Understanding where the kids need to be, everything around what they need for school, their social and extra curricular lives, the laundry, the household shopping - pretty much all of it is down to me. We have three kids so it feels like a lot.

I think there’s inevitably going to be domestic imbalance on some levels - a friend of mine gets grumpy that her DH doesn’t do more in the house when he works very long hours and earns an absolute fortune! She doesn’t work, so I think it’s ‘fair’ she carries most of the load. It’s when things seem so unfair and unbalanced that it’s a problem - and I do see this a lot too.

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GenderCriticalTrumpets · 25/06/2023 14:14

Also I left my twat of an ex husband because he saw looking after the kids as my job and point blank refused to do any night feeds, getting up early or parenting. His current wife is v suprised at what a lazy man Chile he is!

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mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:15

ZeppelinTits · 25/06/2023 14:13

This!!! This kind of assumption fills me with rage. Why should the onus be on the woman to 'lay down the rules' else she only has herself to blame? Why can't men just step up and not be entitled, coasting knobs so much of the time?
I think this kind of stuff is deeply societally entrenched and has been formed over millennia. I don't expect it to be changed any time soon. But 'just not putting up with it' is an attitude that still colludes with the assumption that men are going to need marshalling and dealing with. That we can expect them to give less, take the mick, skive off. It's quite a depressing assumption but I realise how ingrained it is and people don't really think about it.

So, genuinely asking, what is the answer then- if nagging or threatening to leave isnt right then what should OP do? just put up with it? None of us have control over others but we do have control over ourselves, so what should she do?

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JapaneseTony · 25/06/2023 14:16

So you're letting him call you a massive nag, and be hugely misogynistic towards you as WELL as not lifting a finger in the house?!

I do agree with this about the misogyny- to me that's worse than the laziness. It's not the 1950s- you don't have to put up with it.

I think it helps if your partner grew up with parents who respected one another. Another reason not to put up with disrespect from your husband in front of your children, or the whole thing just goes round again.

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Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:17

ZeppelinTits · 25/06/2023 14:13

This!!! This kind of assumption fills me with rage. Why should the onus be on the woman to 'lay down the rules' else she only has herself to blame? Why can't men just step up and not be entitled, coasting knobs so much of the time?
I think this kind of stuff is deeply societally entrenched and has been formed over millennia. I don't expect it to be changed any time soon. But 'just not putting up with it' is an attitude that still colludes with the assumption that men are going to need marshalling and dealing with. That we can expect them to give less, take the mick, skive off. It's quite a depressing assumption but I realise how ingrained it is and people don't really think about it.

Hallelujah! Absofuckinglutely.

But the smug women love to make out it's down to them and not settling or being speshul rather than sheer luck they happened upon a bloke who wasn't like this. Women just love to blame other women for shit men's behaviour which is why things don't change.

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SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 14:17

It isn't my reality at all. DH and I both work full time and everything is split evenly, the mental load doesn't fall all to me either.

Other people do assume that I'm the default parent though and tell me that I'm lucky because DH is 'good with the baby' which just means that he, you know, parents him.

Standards for men are too low.

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