My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

All women I know are in my situation

1000 replies

growli · 25/06/2023 13:17

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

OP posts:
Report
Watchinghurling · 25/06/2023 14:18

Not true for me. We do 50/50 and actually, I think he's better with our newborn than I am. We both have professional jobs. I haven't sacrificed any of my earning power. I have friends who are similar.

Report
HarrietStyles · 25/06/2023 14:18

Yes this is the experience of the majority of my friends. When we were younger, pre-children, both worked full-time ……. husbands were much more likely to split household chores and life admin 50/50. A decade down the line I’d say 80-90% of my female friends work, do all school runs, all household laundry, most housework, cooking, life admin etc. They feel utterly exhausted and like they are treated like a lower person in the relationship. When asking their husband to please help out with a fair share, they are called nags. As he earns more money, she should do all the grunt work etc. He is exhausted from his big important job and is surprised that his wife isn’t keen to jump his bones every night.

Report
Tandora · 25/06/2023 14:19

ripplingwater · 25/06/2023 14:13

This was my thought too- if you have a lazy arsehole for a husband, it makes sense you would gravitate to other women in similar situations because then you end up all comparing notes and talking about it. You probably wouldnt naturally strike up friendships with women with capable husbands because then you'd feel like you had nothing in common and the husband comparison would be naturally uncomfortable so you wouldnt choose to hang around with those people. There is a saying that we are the 5 people we spend time with and in my experience, thats absolutely true.

Oh stop 🙄. There’s a tonne of research that backs up OP’s reality and contradicts yours. You are just whitewashing structural gender inequalities and victim blaming 🙄.

Report
Opaque11 · 25/06/2023 14:19

That's easily said. It's not like we just all shut up and take it. But they just don't listen / tell you that you're a massive nag and refuse to make any proper changes.

Here you go again enabling it. As professional women as you say, you are in a Better position to leave/not accept it/ provide good examples yourselves. You are not a helpless victim here, you are making a choice - and then complaining about it.

Report
DonnaBanana · 25/06/2023 14:19

You get what you tolerate. You need to nip these problems in the bud ASAP. If you move in together and aren't splitting the housework appropriately, then why are you then moving on to getting married and having children? The warning signs are always there. No perfect man turns into a fool simply after having children.

Report
Stillgoings · 25/06/2023 14:19

I'm a mother of older teenagers. None of the mums I knew managed to keep their career going through parenting young children. Most of us went part time, or changed jobs to fit in around family. It all seemed to fall on us while men sailed through unscathed. I don't have a bad DH. We each have our jobs. It's equal, but the mental load is definitely mine. He isn't bothered about stuff like sports day or concerts - or prom - next week he is at a work thing and won't be back to see our youngest go to prom. He was really surprised when I said there was no way on earth I would ever miss it.

Report
Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:19

mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:15

So, genuinely asking, what is the answer then- if nagging or threatening to leave isnt right then what should OP do? just put up with it? None of us have control over others but we do have control over ourselves, so what should she do?

Well the first thing is to realise it's not her fault it's his. Before you really believe this you're powerless to change anything. So all those women on here that are blaming the OP are just making it worse, but they don't care as long as they can boast at how well they've managed things.

Report
mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:20

Tandora · 25/06/2023 14:19

Oh stop 🙄. There’s a tonne of research that backs up OP’s reality and contradicts yours. You are just whitewashing structural gender inequalities and victim blaming 🙄.

Again, so what do you suggest OP does? lots of criticism in this thread for differing opinions but absolute no suggestions on what to do

Report
Letittow · 25/06/2023 14:20

Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:12

Absolutely and fgs they don't behave like that before you marry them! They wait until you're already tied down with children and a job that ideally doesn't pay as much as the husbands because they have more control then.

Plenty of men are useless from the start and people assume they'll change and grow up at some point. Of course sometimes they're decent and then change but it's disingenuous to suggest that's always the case.

Report
Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:20

DonnaBanana · 25/06/2023 14:19

You get what you tolerate. You need to nip these problems in the bud ASAP. If you move in together and aren't splitting the housework appropriately, then why are you then moving on to getting married and having children? The warning signs are always there. No perfect man turns into a fool simply after having children.

Bullshit.

Report
SerafinasGoose · 25/06/2023 14:20

Tandora · 25/06/2023 14:12

Most of the professional women in my workplace are in a similar situation to mine

ugh with your implied snobbery. I know a lot of “professional” women, whose earnings vastly outstrip their husbands. They still do the lions share of the project management of home and child affairs. Tasks they don’t have time for they outsource to female employees (cleaners / nannies etc) largely funded through their own wages.

Ugh with the chip on your shoulder and your (I suspect willful) misleading of my post.

By professional, I merely meant not a stay at home parent, in which case I'd be absolutely prepared to and expect to take on more of the household labour. In which case, the same rules as to division of paid and domestic labour don't apply. Many, many mothers are professionals.

If the 'high earners' you know (who other than you said anything about earnings?) take on the vast bulk of the wifework and childcare responsibilities in addition to their paid work, then that is a choice and not one they 'had' to make. More fool them.

Report
Farmageddon · 25/06/2023 14:21

I find some the language on this thread really interesting - the women whose husbands do their fair share or more are frequently called 'amazing'.

Why? Why is he amazing for doing what he is supposed to do? Surely that's part of a decent partnership, nothing amazing about it. But because we are so conditioned to expect crappy behaviour from men, they think they have won the jackpot with a half decent guy.

Most men wouldn't call their wife amazing for doing the chores.

Report
mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:21

Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:19

Well the first thing is to realise it's not her fault it's his. Before you really believe this you're powerless to change anything. So all those women on here that are blaming the OP are just making it worse, but they don't care as long as they can boast at how well they've managed things.

Of course its not her fault, but that doesnt change the situation she's in does it? The only way to change anything is to take action

Report
TaxDirector · 25/06/2023 14:21

I think issues include:

  • women taking maternity leave then working p/t for a few years, shouldering the vast majority of home/kids related tasks, and then husbands not adapting well when they return f/t
  • women not accepting that you have to make men do their share, but you can't hold them to your own standards. If its dad's night to cook dinner & it means baby gets pasta & sauce from a jar, rather than freshly sauteed organic veg and lightly poached salmon, you have to accept that. He's done what needed doing, the child is fed. Alot of men are ok with basically lower standards, and you have to live with that.
  • older, senior staff in some organisations expecting younger men to commit to work the way they did themselves, enabled by a housewife/sahm.
  • many women who earn a lot less than their husbands so their career is always what takes the hit.
  • woman who tell themselves their husband simply could not have their high powered job without them at home. In reality these men would just outsource what their wife does if needed Nannies for long hours, cleaners 2 or 3 times a week, a lot of ready meals and honestly not giving a fuck if they forgot to buy a gift to take to a party.


My friends and have helpful husbands but they took time & clear boundaries to get there. DH does most of the washing, picks kids up 2 days a week (i do 3), takes kids to parties and activities, supervises homework etc.
Report
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 25/06/2023 14:21

I agree with OP. Even the 'good men' do less in the household than most women. It seems to me, that women generally have higher standards than men. To me it's not acceptable that my children don't do activities out of school, or that the kitchen is messy every day. My husband just doesn't care about the children in that way (he loves them, but he is lazy when it comes to taking them out), and he could quite happily live with a messy kitchen.

Report
JapaneseTony · 25/06/2023 14:22

The situation is also different for women who work because they genuinely have more options- earning your own money makes it a lot easier to leave a useless spouse.

Report
TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/06/2023 14:23

SuperSange · 25/06/2023 13:19

Perhaps it's a small sample size. I don't put up with it, so now we do 50:50 around the house, child sorting, most jobs. You just need to be clear what you'll out up with, state your boundary then stick to it. It's hard to do, but if you don't, nothing will change.

Thing is that works in your own household but not on a wider scale. We have an equal distribution of duties but my husband works in hospitality, so my profession and career had to take a back seat as it had to be me who got children from childcare as he worked evenings. I’ve got a good job but not at the level of a lot of mediocre men who have wives doing all the childcare stuff. It is infuriating.

Report
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 25/06/2023 14:23

And I'm a full time working, main breadwinner, mother of two, if that matters. I only took 6 weeks maternity leave while my husband was a stay-at-home dad.

Report
Bananarepublic · 25/06/2023 14:23

mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 14:21

Of course its not her fault, but that doesnt change the situation she's in does it? The only way to change anything is to take action

It doesn't change the situation but it changes how she feels about it and how empowered she feels to take action.

Are you the kind of person who tells someone who's depressed to just pull their socks up and get on with things?

Report
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/06/2023 14:24

GCAcademic · 25/06/2023 13:32

Some of these posts are depressing. If a man is shit, it must be a woman’s fault for putting up with it, apparently.

Why do they pick shit men in the first place?

If there is no penalty for being lazy & feckless & irresponsible, there's not going to be a change.

When women start holding out for only high quality specimens, maybe the low-Q will up their game.

Report
Simonlebonbon · 25/06/2023 14:24

My exH was incredibly useless, unkind, contributed nothing but mean comments and an atmosphere.

Even our DC is relieved we broke up before they had a memory of living with him, as they don't even enjoy their visits to see him.

DP does 70% of housework/cooking.
No reason, he's just a much tidier person, so he just does it, I need to gear myself up to wash a cup.
We share life admin, but I generally take the heavy load because that's my area to shine. We have loads in honesty so it's time consuming. SN child so always meetings etc.

DP and I actually lived together as housemates prior to becoming a couple, so I knew what living with him was like.
I'm a SAHM but even so, we do very equal parenting. He comes home from shift work and takes over. Mostly because he enjoys being a dad. He adored my DC1 and they're still super close.
They talk, which I found exH doesn't do, he talks at DC and has no interest in him as a person. DP can give you the names of his friends, his favourite films, music, places to go, meals to eat. He knows the drama from his weekend job. If DS is out and he needs to come home, even though we live close to his dad, he'd never dream of asking for a lift etc.
DP loves being a dad and partner.
ExH didn't, that's the difference.

I wouldn't have ever lived with a man again after exH, I was just incredibly lucky my then friend had moved back to our local area and needed a place to live.
It made me realise that genuinely, not all men are crap.

It's sad, writing this feels like I might be seen as being smug and it really shouldn't anything to show off about, your life partner not being a dick.

We really do need that bar set higher.

Report
SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 14:25

Farmageddon · 25/06/2023 14:21

I find some the language on this thread really interesting - the women whose husbands do their fair share or more are frequently called 'amazing'.

Why? Why is he amazing for doing what he is supposed to do? Surely that's part of a decent partnership, nothing amazing about it. But because we are so conditioned to expect crappy behaviour from men, they think they have won the jackpot with a half decent guy.

Most men wouldn't call their wife amazing for doing the chores.

I agree with this.

My husband isn't amazing or wonderful or good for changing nappies or cleaning the house. It's the bare minimum.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Innocents4321 · 25/06/2023 14:25

I’m teaching my sons to cook, clean, wash and do more. I have an unexpected ally in their dad who expects thw same despite being too busy to do much of it himself.

As an aside facebook keeps showing me reels of men cleaning the house. Until I saw them, I didn’t realise I needed to see this!

Report
Awrite · 25/06/2023 14:26

Well, it sounds like we have yet another generation of parents modelling crap, unfair family dynamics.

My dh and I seem to be outliers. I didn't have to train him, he understands fairness and actually wants to be loved as a good father.

Actually, my Dad did housework, cooking and carried the mental load. Looks like there might be a reason for my outlier status.

My brothers and sister too mind.

Report
groupery · 25/06/2023 14:27

I look at these amazing women and the men are mediocre.

Yes that is definitely a thing.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.