Mental load of having a toddler and DH regarding his 'alone time' ... rant!!

[Fourwallsclosingin]

SAHM with an almost 2 year old, DH was pretty much asleep for the first year (still harbouring resentment over that) ... he has stepped up more recently. I feel extremely drained, more from the 'mental load' always having to think about DC. I have one sleep in, but even in the weekends do most things as DH is so slow it ends up falling to me (another thread for another day).
Anyway, today he told me his only 'alone time' was after I go to bed for him to wind down and watch TV. I'm not disputing this in itself and we all need time to ourselves. But it really pissed me off that he has basically no clue what it's like having to think of another person 24/7. I wanted to punch him and I'm still fuming now. He gets alone time everyday...he usually starts work around 10, wfh 2 days a week, has almost 2 hour lunch break, on the days he goes to work he has has alone time during his commute. He always is alone. Arghhhhh. Rant over. Thank you.

Sending you a big hug. It’s hard and they have no idea. Delegate a task to DH that only affects him eg his own washing/ ironing/ putting his clothes away. Maybe let him get dinner once a week, just enough so you don’t end up hating him. Once a month walk out the door and have a day to yourself. Don’t ask him, just go. Talk to him about how you feel. If he doesn’t care then you know where you stand with him. Good luck.

Thank you
Yeah that's what pissed me off so much, it's just being so clueless, and it's pointless trying to explain (I have tried before), because he will never know. In fact, that's probably why it annoyed me so much, I feel he was using my own "issues" against me. I felt like saying that's not what I mean by alone time dumb ass. I thought I married a smart man, but he really does seem to be incredibly thick sometimes. Honestly I wish I could just run away some days. Sigh.

Are you happier with him in other ways?

Please go to your kitchen window, possibly while doing the dishes after feeding your toddler, putting them down for a nap, and after finishing the laundry. Look at the garden and start planning where to put a patio.

I don’t have any helpful advice but just want to let you know you are not alone. And I’m hiding in the bathroom typing this after handing DC to (D)H after saying I need a ten minute break. He’s shouted up to me twice but I appear to have developed a hearing problem.

At the moment, not really. Things have changed so much so it's hard to remember and unfortunately the negative outweighs the positive. It is something I am starting to consider, maybe he is not the right person for me. It's a hard thing to face up to, but I'm sick of feeling miserable all the time and maybe I would be better off alone. We have a holiday booked soon, which I am using to really try and focus on the positives and remember what it was I used to like about him.

It's weird, to be in a relationship yet to feel you're on your own.

😆

You know it is easier to be a single mother than to have to deal with someone negative in your life. I mostly was able to really enjoy my child

This is something I have been considering. I know some 'help' is better than none, but then I feel I'd be mentally happier not feeling so let down and irritated all the time. Plus I'm sure there would be less housework too. It amazes me now (hindsight) that I didn't realise how useless he would be, because now I wonder if the signs were there and I was too stupid to see them. Sorry, just feeling angry and sorry for myself.

Go away for the weekend, leaving toddler with DH. Do no prep for this: no meal planning on his behalf, no prepping of toddler snacks or suggestions for activities; no telling him where the nappies are kept. He’s an adult and can figure it out. He’ll have a lovely time being accompanied to the loo and woken up and chattered to and trying to make pasta pesto but not green and it has to be the blue bowl and not too hot and five minutes ago and I want Peppa Pig. Make it a long weekend.

You are not alone in that thought process. I think gender equality has changed so much but the caring physically, emotionally and mentally of children still predominantly fall on mums.

Resentment builds and I know my (D)P thinks he puts in effort but it’s a drip in the ocean and I often dream of being a single parent at least then I would have a couple nights break each week and not have to deal with a man child

Sounds fabulous! I asked a friend if she wanted to do a Thelma and Louise with me, she didn't say no 🤔

@Imogensmumma

You're so right. I feel like I'm in this job and my team member doesn't pull their weight. I've worked with so many people like this before where I'm like why the f am I do the majority of everything - had no idea that my own husband would turn out like this. I really question my life choices some days and wonder where I went wrong.

The finances would need to be considered, OP is currently a SAHM.

I don't want to give up on things just yet, but when I fast-forward in 10 years if this is how I'm feeling it's not good. Mentally, I probably have about 2 years left in me, if that.
Don't worry, and thank you I will consider everything as I need to. I am already looking into nursery and then will look into getting back to work.

Thank you everyone for all of the advice and kind words. I get so fed up sometimes and don't really have an outlet, so I appreciate this so much. It really does mean alot. I know there are people much worse of than me and I have so much to be grateful for, but somedays I just want a weekend off from life! A week would be great, but I'd settle for a weekend. Maybe I will plan a weekend away. A weekend to myself with a bath and room service sounds amazing! 👌 I wonder if I should tell anyone I'm going 🤔 😅

How does he justify a 2 hour lunch break?
What does he do before 10am? Surely there’s time for you each to have an hour to yourselves before then?

Could you do some part time work in the evenings? Sounds odd but that was the best thing I did, dh had to learn what to do with our baby by himself and gave me some time to talk to other adults

@Fourwallsclosingin @DifficultBloodyWoman
Can I join your " (D)H " club? I have one too
Also have a kitchen window I am going to look out of soon

Op you are not alone. You are brilliant though. It takes a supermum to manage everything and the mental load for 3 people

Very very happy to read you are booking a weekend for yourself - go for it and don't feel a bit of guilt x

Whatevwr you do. DO NOT have another child with this man.
Get a job, financial independence and plan your next steps.

It appears you have 2 children, you might want to consider getting rid of one! I'm sure you can work out which one 😉

I think you need to go back to work. There's a huge imbalance when one person is at home ft. It would be necessary to then split the load. The best way to do this imo is to delegate whole tasks including the planning. You do not get involved at all. In my experience oh was more receptive to this when I was also working (he couldn't argue against).

My dh struggles massively with the extra responsibility of children on top of work/life responsibilities. We now have a set up where he works full time and I work part time. Mon-Fri he goes to gym and work so is out of house 530-6. I do everything in the day plus my work. On evenings he has his tea, plays with our son for a hour then we put him to bed together. Weekends are a bit more split, we get a lie in each and either spend time with our son or do house jobs. We both take time away (probably me more than him. )

I probably do 75% of child /home but I work 10 hours and dh works 37. It works for us although not for everyone. But I wouldn't have another child as I know responsibility would fall to me .

Honestly I think the first few years with small kids can be really hard for a lot of people. The kids are amazing and you love them so much and are often consumed thinking about them. It’s just so much to do/consider on top of everything you had in your life before.

I went back to work full time before eldest was 6 months so I feel like I got some idea of both what it’s like being home all day with a toddler and the relentlessness of that (2nd mat leave) & what it’s like working full time in a role that demands a lot of thought then coming back to a baby/young toddler. I would say don’t lose sight of the fact both are hard things to do. That doesn’t mean your OH shouldn’t appreciate what you are doing is hard work or that he doesn’t need to make some changes but it does mean you also need to not focus in too far on what he has that you don’t to the exclusion of the big picture.

It’s easy to get bogged down in resentment (you that your partner gets better sleep, then that you get to not go to work - & yes I am well aware looking after small children is hard but it looks like a lot of fun from the outside and even leaving him to do it for a day won’t necessarily help him see how hard it is that well because it’s actually quite good fun to have the odd day alone with the kids).

In the end I think you need to wait till you feel reasonably calm and then sit one evening and say “DH during the weekdays you are working at your job 10-6. I am working in our home caring for our child and doing household tasks 10-6. All the rest of the time we are now both parents and we have lots of new responsibilities. We are never going to fit in everything unless we are an effective team so I need you to work with me to get all the regular morning/evening tasks done. DC is typically up around 6 so that gives us x time each to prepare for our day before you leave for work. We both need to be up with DC on weekdays to allow that. DC typically goes to bed by 8 so if we try and do all jobs together by 8 we get a bit of time together to have dinner and chat then a bit of time alone to read/wind down. I feel like it’s really hard juggling everything now we have the added responsibilities of looking after DC and I think you feel the same. I feel it will be much easier, better for us as a couple & likely more enjoyable if we tackle these things together. Our lives are a bit different at the moment and it’s easy to feel jealous of the nice bits we each have without fully appreciating the hard bits. If we can’t put that aside and work together I’m concerned about our relationship longer term. I want it to grow stronger rather than be weakened by bubbling resentment.

He may not listen and it may have zero effect but for me framing it in that sort of way with OH when I first returned to work was far more effective than point scoring about who got less sleep (it was always me whatever he thought 😂) or seething about whatever I felt he hadn’t done. It’s very easy to get caught in a spiral of resentment and you end up discounting any good bits. Some men are hopeless fathers and simply think they have to do bugger all but others can just genuinely be a bit unaware how much needs to be done &/or feel ineffective as their partner has so much more experience having been on maternity leave. If you always expected your OH would share the load and he isn’t then it’s worth seeing if that’s fixable. The biggest thing that helped me when the kids were smaller was accepting my OH does most things a bit differently to me and just leaving him to get on with it. As an example if your OH is slow getting DC dressed, changing nappies, running bedtime, organising the change bag to go out etc don’t just jump in and do it for him. If he can manage to hold down a full time job he can manage to figure it all out (or to ask your advice/help if needed). If you always jump in he will both assume you always will do it and he will potentially be resentful you think he can’t do it. As a caveat this won’t work if he’s being useless on purpose to make you do everything but it will help if he’s just unsure what he is doing.

Completely agree with the previous poster @whatkatydid2013 . When you had a tiny baby maybe they were attached to you 24/7. But a toddler is different and the settlement you need with your other half is also different. You say you feel like you have a bad team member at work. Have the boundaries you'd have at work. This is YOUR JOB, DH. I am no more responsible for the toddler the whole weekend than you are.

Zero tolerance. "Who's getting up tomorrow n Sunday with DS, DH? Is it you? Oh, it's me? Why is that? I got up today with him." Then in the morning, wake DH and remind him. Where are you going DH? To the shops? OK when are you back- you can have DS for an hour before tea then so I can pop out?

Just start acting based on the reasonable assumption that you are 50/50 responsible for DS and the house when DH is not at home.

That will not solve it - instead it will lead you into the argument that you need to have, where he will reveal that he thinks you should be responsible all the time, and you can make it clear he is wrong, and how it will be from now on.