Mental load of having a toddler and DH regarding his 'alone time' ... rant!!

[Fourwallsclosingin]

SAHM with an almost 2 year old, DH was pretty much asleep for the first year (still harbouring resentment over that) ... he has stepped up more recently. I feel extremely drained, more from the 'mental load' always having to think about DC. I have one sleep in, but even in the weekends do most things as DH is so slow it ends up falling to me (another thread for another day).
Anyway, today he told me his only 'alone time' was after I go to bed for him to wind down and watch TV. I'm not disputing this in itself and we all need time to ourselves. But it really pissed me off that he has basically no clue what it's like having to think of another person 24/7. I wanted to punch him and I'm still fuming now. He gets alone time everyday...he usually starts work around 10, wfh 2 days a week, has almost 2 hour lunch break, on the days he goes to work he has has alone time during his commute. He always is alone. Arghhhhh. Rant over. Thank you.

I personally think women pay a heavy price to be a SAHM today. Years ago it was accepted ,and although in some ways it was worse .Its almost like we are still expected to be "Mums"primarily ,and husbands are "very good" to step up and parent their own child! Small DCs are exhausting and all consuming.Have a good holiday together and try to re connect .When my DC were young (both young Adults now)My DH felt I had a good time sometimes ,if we went out to the beach/friends while he was working.He does seem to be taking the piss a bit though.Why does he start work so late and then have a 2 hour lunch? Maybe dont have any more DC with him!

@Fourwallsclosingin he's flexible, so starts late and finishes late (also annoying as that means he doesn't spend much time with DC. Wakes up late and faffs around, because he's so slow that's why he starts work so late (but another thread, for another day). Wasn't an issue pre-child, but now in hindsight that was a red flag

And you don't think that's deliberate? He's not so green as he's cabbage looking that one.
He knows exactly what he's doing!

@ScottishBonnie Have you spoken to your husband about the unfairness of your situation? Does he not care?

Oh gawd yeah! It's like figure it out!! Even sometimes I'll go to have a shower and just start to relax and he'll come in and ask me questions. Piss off already! 🤯😵‍💫😵

Wow! Let's get that TV show back again, funny you say this as I did wonder if I should go on Wife Swap! He does do the occasional half day now. The first year he was useless but stepped up when I said I would leave and I think he himself noticed a huge change in my personality (most likely depression). I think what I find so frustrating as PP has mentioned, when they only do bits I feel they don't get it. Doing a few hours here and there is fun, he will never, ever get it. I'm coming up to 2 years soon and haven't yet had a full day off and I'm about ready to hit the wall.

Trying to answer everyone ... I've actually started to wonder if something is wrong with him and he's incapable of carrying out basic duties, but then that makes no sense as he's made it to this age relatively successfully and manages to keep jobs. Even when he does do things, it's all such an effort or he looks so exhausted afterwards. I waver between feeling sorry for him and that he is genuinely struggling to just finding it all so pathetic.

Sorry I selected flowers but for some reason there is a cake! Sending you cake and flowers!!

Sounds like both of you do not get alone time. Time sleeping isn’t alone time. Time commuting to work or on a lunch break is also not alone time. Time with a toddler is not alone time.

I think you both need to

• build in proper alone time for each of you while the other has DS
• this will give DH more practice parenting- so he won’t be so slow to the mark so that
• when you are both parenting DS, feel free to say stuff like oh looks like DS is ready for a nap- how about you settle him down DH. Start integrating DH into doing regular child care tasks.
• build in time for just the two of you while DS is with a babysitter or relative- no relationship can survive lack of time together.

DH was pretty much asleep for the first year

Was he ill?

Just why
At least you woKe up now
Just start going out and leaving ds with dh
He will work it out
He can call his mate/mum/ look on goigle if he gets stuck

I thought I married a smart man, but he really does seem to be incredibly thick sometimes
He's smart alright, very good at avoiding things he doesn't want to do and leaving you with all the drudge work, it's a deliberate strategy and it's working very well for him.

I’ve told him that I’m extremely tired . He does a lot of house chores and as I said all
of the washing . He is loving and shares all wages and I trust him implicitly. He listens a lot to me and supports me with my mental health but when it comes to the actual baby work truth is that he ( aged 53) just doesn’t get it . I did know before I conceived that I’d be doing most of the baby work but I had no idea how tired if be .
My mum can’t believe how much I do and she said there is no way my own dad would have gotten away with doing as little as my DH does.
DH will go off to football all day Sunday !!! The thing is - I’m so happy and I’ve never been so content and I love being a mum and I love DH. It seems to work for us but I just wanted to let OP know that others feel like her and pretty much do everything. I am currently expecting number 2 and have decided that as I am doing so much with children I will only return to work for 24 hours a week as I’m too tired to do more than than. I’ll also be taking a year off this time ! X

You'd have a much easier and happier life as a working single mum.

One problem is that women don't realize the real reason men want children.
Men want children because it makes them look good in the eyes of other men, it shows that they have the ability to dominate and capture a woman and make her work for them.
It makes him look like a stable reliable family man and that will enable him to get a higher paying job.
They don't have children because they want to do the boring relentless work of looking after them or because they want to sacrifice their time to look after them, oh no, that's what they have a woman for.
They will do everything they can, use every trick in the book to make sure that they get all the credit and the kudos and you do all the work and make all the sacrifices.

Hold on a minute! DH should be washing his own pants and cooking some dinners regardless surely?

DH was between jobs for a month and took a short term afternoon only contract. So in the mornings he looked after DC aged 2.5. After 2 of the 4 weeks he said he realised now why the house was a tip and none of the jobs he thought a SAHP should do were done. And he's cut me slack ever since. Parenting a 2 year old is relentless. I do think your DH should try flexing his hours and doing every morning with your DC for a month (perhaps there's a course you need to go on to get back into work??) And maybe then he'll start being less useless.

Not my Nigel. Seriously.

On the odd Saturday morning DP brings ds downstairs for breakfast to give me a lie in I'm usually woken by the sound of ds about to chew his own arm he's so hungry.
In the 2 hours I can do all my morning chores whilst multitasking cooking ds a hot breakfast and I'm able to sit down at the same time as him with everything hot.
Dp can cook one thing for one person at one time. Ds is sat down to it warmish but then throws it on the floor by the time DP has finished faffing with his own because he's been left to eat alone
Saturday morning 'lie ins' is fake news in my house. It's just a bundle of stress the minute my feet are out the bed trying to fix the chaos

Oh gosh this is me! Wavering between feeling sorry for him because he genuinely doesn’t seem to be able to multi task, and just being full of rage at it

He could still step up more,

My DH has always been hands-on and that included the children

And the DGC when they came along.

You don't want to burn out.

sorry if I missed this in a reply but why are you a SAHM … return to work, sort childcare, hire a cleaner … enjoy some child-free lunch breaks etc … you can then afford to leave him if you decide to as you will be earning … I’d be divorced if I had ever parented full time, it’s not for everyone … also, hiring a babysitter and going out with DH on the odd date might also help? Just a thought …

Im absolutely not saying the patio isn't the right answer but divorce is fabulous. Every other weekend absolutely for you. Mine were 2&3 when we split. Fucking fabulous invention.

I’ve just discovered that the pantry full of giant tubs of peanut butter, which I thought DP had ordered in excess but what the hell, we’ve got the space and we’ll get through it, is actually full of EMPTY, dirty tubs, gathering mould, stuffed there because “I don’t like washing them up” – who does? And he doesn’t anyway, it’s always me, even though I’m the sole person in the house who doesn’t eat it. Why put them in there and not by the sink for washing out or if you think recycling is a scam and you hate washing up, the bin? “It’s just mornings are a bit chaotic.” Guess who creates most of the chaos, and also, FUCKING WHAT.

Divorce is looking so tempting.

Absolutely this with bells on. I think as a mother you don't understand how relentless being a parent is until you experience it. It can really put a strain on your relationship!

Just because you are currently a SAHM you can change that. I would hate to have to do everything because I'm the one at home all the time it's bloody miserable.

You need to leave DH with the DC and go out for a coffee, visit a friend or read a book in a peace on a weekend.

Sorry to be negative but a holiday will be worse OP.

thanks for the flowers and cake op, same to you! I also wonder if my dh has any learning difficulties or is just insanely insecure to the point of no confidence leading to the million questions? I don't know. Let me know when you figure it out

Only someone who’s never been a working single mum would say that. I’ve been there, got the tshirt, it was way easier when there were two of us.