Mental load of having a toddler and DH regarding his 'alone time' ... rant!!

[Fourwallsclosingin]

SAHM with an almost 2 year old, DH was pretty much asleep for the first year (still harbouring resentment over that) ... he has stepped up more recently. I feel extremely drained, more from the 'mental load' always having to think about DC. I have one sleep in, but even in the weekends do most things as DH is so slow it ends up falling to me (another thread for another day).
Anyway, today he told me his only 'alone time' was after I go to bed for him to wind down and watch TV. I'm not disputing this in itself and we all need time to ourselves. But it really pissed me off that he has basically no clue what it's like having to think of another person 24/7. I wanted to punch him and I'm still fuming now. He gets alone time everyday...he usually starts work around 10, wfh 2 days a week, has almost 2 hour lunch break, on the days he goes to work he has has alone time during his commute. He always is alone. Arghhhhh. Rant over. Thank you.

it's pointless trying to explain (I have tried before), because he will never know.

Then you need to stage a strategic absence for at least a week, in which he is forced to take sole charge of his own kid.

I think even with a weekend/week away, they’ll still never get it because: there’s a clock watching, “get to go back to work after all this” element. The relentlessness isn’t there. Plus the level they’ll parent at: are they going to actually do all the necessary battles over teeth brushing and hair washing and vegetables, and keep house at the same time, or serve up chicken nugs three times a day with Hey Duggee on repeat while thinking “laundry can wait til this bullshit is over”.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Honestly the hardest thing for me since having children is to try and let the resentment go, because otherwise it will ruin the relationship.

My DH does a lot - he gets up with the children, he always did nappies, he plays with them a lot, does school runs, so he is a hands on parent. However, he rarely if ever did overnights with either child, and when I used to complain about being tired he would say he was tired too because even though he hadn't got up his sleep was disturbed. He doesn't take the children out for the day on his own very often - I do it frequently. He carries none of the mental load for the children.

He is better now than when they were babies (I think a lot of men struggle with the baby phase) but I think sometimes the dynamic is set when they were tiny and it is difficult to change when they are older. But I have had to had conversations with him over the years to make things a bit more equal, and for the most part he is receptive to what I say and does make changes.

All you can do is talk to him and explain how overloaded you feel.

He slept through the first year? Napping? What a complete cock

Where's your "alone time" then? How many hours does he reckon you get?

It's really very basic, 24h a day, 24x7h a week, how many? He ought to be able to tell you since he's apparently convinced he's getting the short end

A couple years back it was always me gettingg up at crack of dawn with our son, id ask him to get up and hed say hes too tired etc, or faff on so long id just get up because DS would be shouting for someone and id feel bad. So I started planning in advance, if I'm not working at the weekend I'll ask if he wants a lie in Saturday or sunday, and id have the other day.. plenty of warning if he needs to sleep earlier, no excuses.. its just routine now

That's good☝😇
Of course there are decent men who are good & genuine fathers, they may even be in the majority. However, in my view those who are as I described are at least a significant minority.

Only someone who’s never been with a man whose more trouble than he's worth would say that.

I wanted to be a SAHM, at least for a couple of years but tbh I can't actually handle the 24/7. Its juat not for me. I'm going to put DC in nursery for a couple of days next month and go from there. I agree that we do need to spend some time on a date or something the problem is I'm starting to feel like I don't want to spend extra time with him as I'm struggling to remember what I liked about him. We have both lost our mojo. It feels like we are very much just going through the motions.

I know this feeling! It's so frustrating isn't it. I would just try and let it go though and enjoy your lie in. Could he have a cold breakfast instead so at least it's something DH can prepare in a timely manner or he make something like toast? I hate when there are a million dishes everywhere, I will often just leave them and sometimes he will get to them ... eventually

Wow. WTAF. You must have the patience of a saint. Just so you know, no jury would ever convict you if you told them that example 😁

He has improved on this somewhat, in that I now often say "I don't know" or shrug or say "you decide". I also try to be out of the room if he is doing something. I haven't told him in a while but I will again, you should too. Just tell him to figure it our on his own and you need a break from his constant questions (that does mean you have to be willing to be ok that he might not to something the way you like it).

Yep, it's exactly this. Even a week is nothing because there is still an end point. Although a week would still be amazing of course. I think that's what I've struggled so much with being a SAHM, the relentlessness. It's groundhog day. I really do wonder wtf I have done sometimes. It's sad too because I should really be enjoying this time but instead I'm mostly feeling miserable and angry. The whole situation is ridiculous, but I am starting to try to change it. I will get there! Or I will get divorced! 🤨

I’d start to sow the seeds. ‘Can’t wait until next year when DC is old enough to do soccer tots on Saturday mornings, we can alternate.’ ‘I thought about what you said about me time, so I’ve joined the local choir on Wednesdays so I get my me time.’ ‘When I’m back at work, we will be halving the me time, so you need to start with the 1:1 time now.’ Make it clear that change is nigh.

Starting to think about strategies. I might come up with a roster or something, it's pretty pathetic but maybe that will work otherwise everything will just default to me as usual. Ugh .... it's so unappealing having to basically 'manage' an adult. It's no wonder why you don't feel like having sex with them! I remember thinking when DC was about 4/5 months old, it was almost like a lightbulb moment of "oh I see why so many people get divorced after having children". I'm finding I don't even look forward to the weekends anymore which can't be a good sign 😔

This times a million. My useless husband has just had our toddler 9-5 for a week. He didn’t give him lunch before 3 pm once, stuffed him full of sugary shit and regularly delivered him at 5 pm as he’d just fallen asleep. All because some other mug (yours truly) is going to have to deal with the fallout.

I’m 95% of the way towards deciding to divorce him. Not 100% because I lost my job after mat leave, and I have experienced how gruelling being alone with the toddler for weeks on end (while maintaining basic standards) is. I could have written all of OP’s posts.

@twoandcooplease

your child doesn’t need a hot breakfast

your DH can just give him some cereal or toast or something

problem solved

just cos it’s different to what you would do doesn’t mean it’s wrong