Mental load of having a toddler and DH regarding his 'alone time' ... rant!!

[Fourwallsclosingin]

SAHM with an almost 2 year old, DH was pretty much asleep for the first year (still harbouring resentment over that) ... he has stepped up more recently. I feel extremely drained, more from the 'mental load' always having to think about DC. I have one sleep in, but even in the weekends do most things as DH is so slow it ends up falling to me (another thread for another day).
Anyway, today he told me his only 'alone time' was after I go to bed for him to wind down and watch TV. I'm not disputing this in itself and we all need time to ourselves. But it really pissed me off that he has basically no clue what it's like having to think of another person 24/7. I wanted to punch him and I'm still fuming now. He gets alone time everyday...he usually starts work around 10, wfh 2 days a week, has almost 2 hour lunch break, on the days he goes to work he has has alone time during his commute. He always is alone. Arghhhhh. Rant over. Thank you.

One thing that struck me was the language he used of alone time, to say that to someone who is with a toddler all the time is very inflammatory. Would exchanging it for the word, switched off time still reflect his point but then also allow you to come back with, what about your switched off time? Then as one of the PPs said so well, have a conversation about genuinely sharing the load you collectively have as a family?

As others have said, get child care in place, go back to work, split all household/child care activities 50/50 and NEVER have another child with this man.

When I was on maternity leave I started waking up earlier than my husband with the baby. He works from home so would just rock up when he was time to sit at his desk. It caused resentment so I stopped doing it and asked him to get up early sometimes too. At first he thought it was my job to get up but I put a stop to that. He then started to say he needed to time to decompress after work. Rubbish. He has a low stress wfh office job so why should he get loads more free time than me? Things have levelled out more now we both work full time and he's always been pretty good really. But you really need to stop lying down and accepting it.

Wow op this is my life even done to the mental health part. My dh is a wonderful dad, hands on, gets up, plays, cooks etc but the mental load is ignored completely. Our ds is disabled so slightly different but he's just clueless. We've had the conversation about 10 times. I can't tell him anymore and I'm also at a point of thinking, if we split up id have some weekends free.
Every time I speak to my dh, he will say 'I'm a good dad, I cook, clean, get up with the kids' (all true) and he genuinely can't understand what I'm unhappy with. Its like talking to a brick wall

I had a useless DH like this and it just kills the love. The resentment festers. I waited until my youngest was school age to end the marriage because I didn’t actually trust him to be alone with a toddler. By the time they were school age parenting wasn’t as hard and he was engaged much more, and couldn’t understand why I still hated him. Sorry OP. It sucks to parent alone whilst you’re meant to be in a couple.

@MinnieMountain he's flexible, so starts late and finishes late (also annoying as that means he doesn't spend much time with DC. Wakes up late and faffs around, because he's so slow that's why he starts work so late (but another thread, for another day). Wasn't an issue pre-child, but now in hindsight that was a red flag

@HungryandIknowit You are so right, it is an imbalance. I actually had no issue with everything being 'my job' as a SAHM until I realised just how mentally and physically draining it is. Maybe a bit demoralising too, as I often feel like I'm the maid

@Turnthelightoff it was his use of 'alone time' that gave me the RAGE! I can almost visualise the GIF now 😆

@ZekeZeke @MobyFlick There will be no second child! No way!

Thanks to the other for the useful advice and comradery, it feels nice to know I/we are not alone (although also depressing in some ways too!).

I want to reply to everyone individually, but its so hard on the phone. Have jumped on the laptop for this reply. I don't think I will manage to later, but I am reading them all. It almost makes me want to cry ... just thanks everyone, thank you 💖

We should start a club ... in fact reminds me of a movie plot and its giving me some ideas!! 😏Shhh

@twoandcooplease @DifficultBloodyWoman
Woops forgot to tag!

How did you manage for so long? I already feel like a can't stand him some days, but then it also makes me feel a bit guilty. I think he thinks he's doing a good job, and I know he's tired but he actually has no idea what tired is. I hope when we go on holiday we can have a nice time, and maybe reconnect. I just can't go on for this, and now we do have a lovely DC, but once he is grown up there won't be a relationship left, not at this rate, with these bad feelings. I have lost almost all respect if I'm honest with myself which makes me sad too. So many thoughts and feelings 😬

I hear you op. Agree with pp saying don't have another child. My H uselessness is one of the big reasons why I only had one.

The resentment just kills the relationship. I don't have any real advice as I tried so hard to get him to understand he needed to step up but basically he cares more about himself than he did about me.

He has missed out though. DS is nearly an adult and when we reminisce about stuff that happened when he was a child, all the things DS remembers, his dad wasn't there for. Days out were with my two single parent friends or just DS and me.

This is us: DP does 50% of the physical chores of children – bedtimes, nursery runs, playing, etc. But mentally he treats me like the office manager of the house and the DC: should I put socks on the baby? What size nappies shall I buy? What does DC want for dinner? Can this be tumble dried? Why are you asking meeeeeeee!

Even if I wash my hands of something and hand the load over to him he tries to engage me with it. Eg for our daughter’s birthday I organised the party bags, he organised the food. I did my bit and the sum mental load I put on him was to say “Party bags are sorted, the box is in the boot of the car.” Food, he asked me: how many kids have we invited, who’s coming, do you think both parents will come, what about siblings, what food is good at a party, how many types, should I do an online shop or drive to Asda? On and on and on. He has access to the exact same information and experience as I do, if not more – he took DD to all the parties when I was pregnant and couldn’t move, he knows roughly what people went and what food was served. Why ask me? Just get on and do it.

Go back to work. He is seeing you as a dogsbody, and the childcare ‘your stuff’. And you are relying on him for money.

What the fuck do these dicks think life is going to be like with a child? Of course it takes most of your time. That's life. He'll get his life back in 18 years. Until then, tell him to buck the fuck up.

I agree 100% with this. It is the ONLY way he will grasp what you deal with every day.

There was a TV programme on decades ago, where they actually did this. The Mums went away for a week, and they filmed the Dads. It was brilliant. Every single Dad was so apologetic. once they'd had to do a week alone with the kids. They all admitted they had no idea how hard the wives had it, and that it was harder than going to work.

I’d explain to DH that two week day morning a week you will be going for a walk/gym whatever in the morning. And go. If he doesn’t start work until 10:00 then you leave at 7:30/8:00 that a couple of hours for you a week.
And definitely go away for the weekend. That’s very important

I love DH but he has never woken up in the night to settle ds. He never baths , dresses him or puts him to bed.
He does all the washing and a lot of cleaning and is so loving to us both but he is completely oblivious.
I work 30 hours a week ( 4 days ) and I still do everything with baby too. I’ve never had a lay in.
On the weekend and t day off I nap when the baby naps.
I cook easy meals now and sometimes just say to DH - it’s a one pan wonder again as I’m too tired .
But yes- I do everything.
On the days I work - I wake ds, feed him breakfast, pack his bag, dress him ,
drop him go nursery for 8 - then I drive like crazy to work for 8.45. Then work my 9 hours and collect DS then tea and bath and put him to bed. Then wake in the night with him.
I feel your pain.

And because I work 4 long days /
DH says I’m so lucky to have a long weekend !!!!! Yet he works 10-4 from home !!!! However unfairly earning double my salary !

This just gives me rage. You do all that and he works from home? Why can't he do the morning routine?

Sorry, meant for Scottish Bonny. Typing onehandedly as I am taking care of 'our' DC, while DP is enjoying his weekend 🙄

I could have written all your posts. Other posters are right when they say the resentment will fester and the love will die.

However, me and my DH did come out the other side of it and I'm smitten with him again. In my opinion the ONLY way you can move off the track you're on (eventual divorce) is to force him to see how hard it is for you. Talking does nothing. Explaining yourself over and over but in different ways does nothing. Multiple conversations about the same thing makes it worse because you start to get angry that they just. don't. get. it. You have to let them have a good taste of your world. I did take myself to a hotel for a weekend. I told him he would either:
A) nderstand a bit how my life was 24/7 and might be a bit more compassionate
B) Have a taste of how his life would be on his custody time if I left him which I was close to
C) find it sooooo easy and an absolute dream, then in that case he could give me his helpful tips on running a household (I knew this wouldn't happen)

The weekend was carnage. He couldn't navigate how to do a food shop with small kids. He finally understood that without a lie in, 45mins on the toilet with his phone in the morning, having a coffee while it's hot, being able to think without screaming and noise or being interrupted every 2 minutes...he was too tired for his usual swanning in and expert toddler negotiation. He got it and things did get much better between us because we were on the same page that parenting small children 24/7 often feels like you are being terrorised. We were a team.

I would either look for a job or training/education so neither of you have the excuse of seeing you as 'just a housewife' if you can earn or train for a job with more earning potential then you've got more to play with if you split.

Sounds like you are the driver and he is the passenger - you may actually prefer this to someone who you have to argue with constantly because you both want to be in charge.

OP,

Just remember nothing is accidental.

He is very deliberately working to avoid you and his child.

He is a shit husband and father.

The getting up late, working late is always the deliberate actions of a shit father.

Good to hear that you won't have another.

20 years ago my friend married someone similar and within a couple of years she left him.

He was similarly lazy and selfish.

She went to a wedding on his side some weeks before they split, when her daughter was just 2, and she was asked multiple times AGAIN, by his various family members when she would have another, including his mother, and she told them with a smile on her face that she wouldn't dream of having another child with such a lazy useless man who was a a completely uninvolved father.

Obviously it got back to him quickly, and he was furious.
She had already decided she was done and had put things in place.

She had moved out within weeks.

She is a top psychiatrist and she said at the time..19 years ago, that she should have seen the red flags, but she didn't.

She later apologised to his mother for her timing but she said she was furious with him and listening to him playing the great father, just infuriated her.

His mother ended up being very kind to her and he got a really hard time from his family.

Now 19 years later, his family are still kind and he did buck up a bit as a co parent, more because he was so shamed by my friend and his family's disgust.

She has a lovely long term relationship but never had another child.

She is very successful professionally.

Get back to work and tell family and friends the truth, he is a lazy selfish waster.

In the interim, you need to be heading out and leaving him with his child.

Start getting organised and stop doing ANYTHING like laundry or food for him.

@bussteward exactly what you've said from re quoting me! It's like having another child. Why can't they just make a decision?
I live for the day my dh says 'don't worry about it, I've sorted it'. I do think if we didn't have a disabled child it wouldn't be as bad because that brings with it so much more life admin. I don't know how else to get him to understand as he'd happily have the kids all weekend alone. It's not the basics of parenting, he's great at that. It's having a brain. He needs every single miniscule thing validating. I'm exhausted.

Is he ever left with the toddler for any length of time (preferably a whole day) with the expectations that DC is fed, watered, entertained and cared for whilst doing laundry, cleaning, tidying, organising the shop and preparing dinner?
And that's a short list...

Give it a try

Also think of having at least every other weekend free and one night in the week...