Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum keeps asking for money

116 replies

tiredmumma8696 · 23/06/2023 20:45

I thought I would come to Mumsnet to understand if it's me being unreasonable for thinking this way.

My mum lives in a large house, she's early 60s; no mortgage. Still working but on a low ish salary and lives alone. The house is 5 bedrooms and is worth around £650-700k. Mum is struggling to maintain the house due to the investment needed (it's a Victorian house). She's lived their 30 years and done very little to it.

She is struggling for money on monthly basis and is asking for help. My siblings and I have broached the subject about selling the house but she refuses saying it will be too stressful.

I feel resentful handing over money when she is sat in a huge house by herself. Our mortgage is about to go up by £1000 per month (we were on a low fixed rate and now remortgaging). We also have two children in nursery which is expensive.

To give some more background we are not particularly close. My oldest is over 3 and a half and never been offered so much as an hours babysitting or anything like that.

I feel like there is a lot of guilt tripping on her part and I just offer some money to help but starting to feel resentful given she is sat on several hundred thousand if she sold.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lightlypoached · 23/06/2023 20:47

Seriously just say no. She's made her choice and is an adult.

If she wants to stay in her home she needs to work out his to
Finance it.

Your job as a child is not to endlessly subsidise your parents.

Just say no.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 23/06/2023 20:47

Stop giving her money.

This is why she won't sell, why would she when her kids are paying her way? Just say "no mum I can't afford it." And ignore.

DustyLee123 · 23/06/2023 20:47

No, you shouldn’t give her any. It doesn’t matter how stressful it is, she needs to downsize.

FanFanBam · 23/06/2023 20:48

Just say no. She needs to downsize. You shouldn’t have the subsidise her.

Hankunamatata · 23/06/2023 20:49

Just keep saying sorry you don't have budget to give her money

Createausername1970 · 23/06/2023 20:49

Either you can afford to give her money or you can't.

If you can't afford it, then don't do it.

If you can, then the choice is whether you want to or not.

But from what you have said, it's quite simple - you have no spare money either, so you can't.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/06/2023 20:49

Just say no, she has at least one other option, if she thinks it will be too stressful to move now it will only be more impossible as she gets older.

Original poster
tiredmumma8696 · 23/06/2023 20:50

@lightlypoached thank you replying. She makes me feel like I owe her for bringing us up etc.
if she was living in a sensible sized property and struggling to eat then of course I would help but this seems silly. I think I will have to say no but I worry about a huge family row but feel I'm being taken for a ride

OP posts:
3luckystars · 23/06/2023 20:50

You should ask her for money. Get in there first.

excelledyourself · 23/06/2023 20:50

No.

Suggest she takes in a lodger. Or four.

StopFeckingFaffing · 23/06/2023 20:52

You definitely need to start saying no and if she keeps asking then suggest she needs to downsize

thesugarbumfairy · 23/06/2023 20:53

You need to be firm. She is not elderly and she needs to stop asking for handouts when she is sitting on a massive pension pot..I do have some sympathy - it is stressful uprooting yourself and of course shes reluctant, but she could buy somewhere wonderful with that money. How selfish to burden your children who have their own young children when there is a solution.

Patchworksack · 23/06/2023 20:55

The pain involved in selling (which is huge hassle/emotional connection/practical problems of moving - she deserves some sympathy) needs to be outweighed by the pain of not having enough money to maintain current lifestyle. Stop enabling her to stay there, broken record - you need to downsize, Mum, then you’ll have plenty of money and an easier property to maintain. If your siblings agree with you then present a united front and you all need to stop giving her money.

Turnthelightoff · 23/06/2023 20:55

Did she support her parents when you were young? I’m guessing not, might be time to point that out?

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 23/06/2023 20:55

Stop the guilt trip mum, you chose to have kids. Downsize, not my problem.

corlan · 23/06/2023 20:55

Another reason for your Mum to downsize is that there'll be a hefty inheritance tax bill to pay on the house when she dies. As she's single, I'm pretty sure she can only pass on 500k of the house value untaxed. Anything above that will be taxed at 40%.

EvilElsa · 23/06/2023 20:56

"I don't have any to give you mum" on repeat. Say you'd be happy to help her look at options for downsizing or taking in a lodger etc. If you are not even close don't waste your time feeling guilty over her own life choices. Absolutely nothing to do with you. To be honest if she texts the requests I wouldn't even bother responding. If she calls and nags, cut her off and say you don't have any and to stop asking as the situation won't be changing.

lightlypoached · 23/06/2023 20:56

@tiredmumma8696 you are most welcome.

Since I posted lots of people have come on to say the same thing. She sounds emotionally manipulative and this is a power play.

Ignore. Or just say no that doesn't work for me mum. I have priorities now which include my children, who I always put first.

Bluebells1970 · 23/06/2023 20:57

Don't enable her delusion of being able to manage there. Every time she asks, you say "Mum, I have my own family and own expenses and am struggling each month as it is. You can't afford to live in that house, and I am not going to continue to pretend that you can".

BMW6 · 23/06/2023 20:57

There's been a saying quoted on here recently

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"

Of course you should not give money when she is sitting on huge equity in a property she cannot afford to maintain! Madness!

She can sell, gat a much smaller well maintained place and have a nice safety net of capital in the bank.

You didn't ask to be born. You owe nothing.

Holly60 · 23/06/2023 20:57

OP I'm a mum to adult children and I would NEVER ask them for money. I chose to bring them into this world not the other way around. They owe me nothing.

Plenty of money goes the other way 😂 but again their existence was my choice not the other way around.

Please stop giving your mother money. You don't actually owe her anything at all. When we choose to have children we have a responsibility towards them. That is what being a parent is. That doesn't then give us the right to demand financial support from them.

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/06/2023 20:59

tiredmumma8696 · 23/06/2023 20:50

@lightlypoached thank you replying. She makes me feel like I owe her for bringing us up etc.
if she was living in a sensible sized property and struggling to eat then of course I would help but this seems silly. I think I will have to say no but I worry about a huge family row but feel I'm being taken for a ride

Jeez no - you bring up children to be independent of you and certainly not to support you. Either she downsizes or gets lodgers.

Original poster
tiredmumma8696 · 23/06/2023 20:59

Turnthelightoff · 23/06/2023 20:55

Did she support her parents when you were young? I’m guessing not, might be time to point that out?

No. Her parents were / are well off. They bought her first property for her many years ago. She has never had to support them

OP posts:
woodhill · 23/06/2023 20:59

Totally agree Holly

She needs to downsize

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/06/2023 21:01

tiredmumma8696 · 23/06/2023 20:45

I thought I would come to Mumsnet to understand if it's me being unreasonable for thinking this way.

My mum lives in a large house, she's early 60s; no mortgage. Still working but on a low ish salary and lives alone. The house is 5 bedrooms and is worth around £650-700k. Mum is struggling to maintain the house due to the investment needed (it's a Victorian house). She's lived their 30 years and done very little to it.

She is struggling for money on monthly basis and is asking for help. My siblings and I have broached the subject about selling the house but she refuses saying it will be too stressful.

I feel resentful handing over money when she is sat in a huge house by herself. Our mortgage is about to go up by £1000 per month (we were on a low fixed rate and now remortgaging). We also have two children in nursery which is expensive.

To give some more background we are not particularly close. My oldest is over 3 and a half and never been offered so much as an hours babysitting or anything like that.

I feel like there is a lot of guilt tripping on her part and I just offer some money to help but starting to feel resentful given she is sat on several hundred thousand if she sold.

AIBU?

Why on earth would you hand her money if you're in a worse financial position than her? Absolutely baffling that you felt you should do this in the first place. Just stop, that's ridiculous. Your children will suffer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread