Mum keeps asking for money

[tiredmumma8696]

I thought I would come to Mumsnet to understand if it's me being unreasonable for thinking this way.

My mum lives in a large house, she's early 60s; no mortgage. Still working but on a low ish salary and lives alone. The house is 5 bedrooms and is worth around £650-700k. Mum is struggling to maintain the house due to the investment needed (it's a Victorian house). She's lived their 30 years and done very little to it.

She is struggling for money on monthly basis and is asking for help. My siblings and I have broached the subject about selling the house but she refuses saying it will be too stressful.

I feel resentful handing over money when she is sat in a huge house by herself. Our mortgage is about to go up by £1000 per month (we were on a low fixed rate and now remortgaging). We also have two children in nursery which is expensive.

To give some more background we are not particularly close. My oldest is over 3 and a half and never been offered so much as an hours babysitting or anything like that.

I feel like there is a lot of guilt tripping on her part and I just offer some money to help but starting to feel resentful given she is sat on several hundred thousand if she sold.

AIBU?

If she were in her late 80s+ I might think it would be nice to support her in the place she's lived in for most of her life if you could afford it, with a lien against the house or something to make sure you can recover the money when she dies before her estate is subject to IHT or what ever.

But in her 60s she is far too young not to be making the decisions necessary to make sure she can afford her senior years properly. She could be alive for another 30 years, it's absurd not to be trying to sort things out now because selling is "too stressful".

@FictionalCharacter yes you are right, my financial situation shouldn't matter and what we need or want to use our money for.

She's always been on a low ish salary. The house was bought a long time ago for not very much money by todays prices.

The house is in quite a bad way as next to jo maintenance has been done for many years now. She has no savings

It’s not even being cruel to be kind really. You’re just putting an end to her bad treatment of you and taking advantage of you. Think if it in terms of how she’s been treating you, not how she thinks you’re treating her. After all she’s the parent, you’re not her mum!

Early 60’s is not old. I’m almost that and I feel young.

Don’t enable her.

Tell her that you/siblings will help her sell the house. You have no money to give her. Full stop

I just want to add another; no, don't be guilt-tripped. Visualise her taking a wad of cash out of your children's hands and gaze upon their little weeping faces. She's rattling around a 5 bedroom house, of course she needs to downsize. Or take in lodgers.

As soon as she asks you for money, say to her, oh mum, that reminds me, I was going to ask you for the money back that I lent you. I'm absolutely broke and can't pay my bills this month.

Now you know she's not going to give it to you, but it means it's a difficult for her then to ask for it again.

Brilliant comment!

That is a really bad idea though, isn't it?

Brilliant comment!

You don’t owe her.
Your Mum owes you devotion for a lifetime.
You owe your kids not your Mum.

Maybe her mum isn't thinking about inheritance tax and enjoying being alive in the house she owns? What a greedy way of thinking. She's only in her 60s

No it’s not selfish.

People think of IHT as soon as they have both assets and children, or expect to have both.

Just another way of caring for your children. If OP’s mother isn’t thinking about it then she is being selfish.

I'm late 50s and in a similar financial position to the OPs mum and I'm thinking a lot about IHT as I have cancer.
It's not a greedy way of thinking. It's trying to spend your money the best way you can, while you can.

"Mum, I cannot afford to give you any money. Your house is way bigger than you need and is worth a fortune. If you can't afford to get by then you'll have to downsize and free up some equity. I and siblings all have substantial bills to pay. I have no money to give you. Please stop asking."

Don't ever tell her what you and your DH earn either. That's absolutely none of her business.

Jeepers. I am your mums age and my dad is mid 90s. I moved to a more manageable home when I was 55. V decent, nice location but not what I had when I had two children at home (and all their friends).

dad is still in his five bed. He wants to die there. It isn’t ideal but he funds all his own bills. Who am I to say otherwise? I do have POA.

you mum is being enabled by your behaviour. You need to say no to financial bailouts She needs to play a part in her own future.

I do despair. At her age I am travelling the world, my house is in excellent order and whatever my children earn I will help them financially. Emotional help is one thing, financial help from children is a no no in this situation

Your DM can rent out a room or rooms

That's really kind of you OP. I really hope your Mum sees the light. With any luck she might have another 20 years or more, tell her to get out there, and live them, instead of relying on you to bail her out of a mess that's of her own making. Parents are the ones who are supposed to help their kids out if they can, not the other way around.

Maybe she could share the house with somebody, a senior woman on her own perhaps?

“We simply don’t have the money, mum. If you need money, you’re going to have to suck it up like thousands upon thousands of others in your situation and sell your house and downsize. That’s the only avenue you have. We can’t afford to pay our own bills and subsidise you.”

Don’t say you’re sorry, just repeat over and over that she needs to sell if she needs money.

Maybe she won’t sell, but it might put her off of constantly badgering you.
Repeat repeat repeat.

Say no. The cost of living is rising and you can't afford to keep subbing her when there are two obvious solutions to her money problems: sell up and buy somewhere smaller, or rent out rooms to lodgers. She's a grown up and she's still young enough to be working!

The mum is working.

@tiredmumma8696 I'm 63 and still working. DH and I live in a huge house . Hell.would freeze over before we asked dd to chip in.

Hell would freeze over if dd were struggling, and we let her continue. If we didn't have the money to help but were remaining in a huge house we didn't need, hell would freeze over thrice.

Your mother is being unreasonable. Say no. Please. I would sell up in a heartbeat, and move somewhere smaller if it meant my dc and prospective gc could have a happy, secure and good life. Who wouldn't.

I would say to her 'Mum, our mortgage is about to go up £1000 soon, is there any way you can help us out please?'
She'll obvs say no any hopefully understand that you won't be in a position to help her.