Mum keeps asking for money

[tiredmumma8696]

I thought I would come to Mumsnet to understand if it's me being unreasonable for thinking this way.

My mum lives in a large house, she's early 60s; no mortgage. Still working but on a low ish salary and lives alone. The house is 5 bedrooms and is worth around £650-700k. Mum is struggling to maintain the house due to the investment needed (it's a Victorian house). She's lived their 30 years and done very little to it.

She is struggling for money on monthly basis and is asking for help. My siblings and I have broached the subject about selling the house but she refuses saying it will be too stressful.

I feel resentful handing over money when she is sat in a huge house by herself. Our mortgage is about to go up by £1000 per month (we were on a low fixed rate and now remortgaging). We also have two children in nursery which is expensive.

To give some more background we are not particularly close. My oldest is over 3 and a half and never been offered so much as an hours babysitting or anything like that.

I feel like there is a lot of guilt tripping on her part and I just offer some money to help but starting to feel resentful given she is sat on several hundred thousand if she sold.

AIBU?

@2birthdayday she has a good pension as worked for local government her whole working life and also a private one set up by her parents.

What!!! I'm early 60's too and have recently downsized to a small manageable house with a courtyard garden. I didn't ask DS for any help either. In fact I gave him a deposit for a house out of that money.
I work full time.
I think its time to tell her she is being ridiculous and she needs to downsize now before she retires and get her ducks in a row.
That house will just slowly rot, fall to bits and she'll be living there aged 90 or whatever with no spare money.
I work partially on the district and sadly see many elderly people doing this and ending up in leaky houses needing full renovation which they can't sell unless its at auction.
Tell her your children need the money more than she does and please can she stop asking.

Echoing what everyone has said.
Tell her you can't afford to help and that if she sold the house and bought a lovely one bedroom flat she'd have loads of spare money and a higher quality of life.

Be the broken record, you can't afford to give her money. You don't have it to spare

@Pearlsaminga I do feel like she does have power and that's something that needs to change: I always worry about rocking the boat but she brings very little to the relationship and I would definitely see her less if it wasn't for my children

Yeah you need to look up FOG and come out the bugger. The first time standing your ground is the hardest, it gets easier though and is very freeing.

She doesn't have any power, she is asking YOU for money. I'd say you hold all the power here. She isn't even a great mum.

That's because you've been manipulated to feel like a subordinate who has to obey her. It's very difficult to override those feelings and the sense of duty and guilt which she has implanted in you, but for your own sake you need to try and look at it rationally and realise that she doesn't have any actual power over you.
The more times you say no to her the easier it will get and the more you will realize that she can't make you do anything that's not in your interests.

Think of it like this; you are taking money from your own family to fund your mum who doesn't need it (as she should rightly sell)
Don't be a mug.

There's nothing wrong with equity release, it's just a mortgage that gets paid off when you die. If you aren't bothered about leaving an inheritance to someone it's a good way to stay in your own home and have some cash. Interest rates are almost the same as mortgage rates and it's regulated by the FCA.

Stop giving your mother money. Downsizing or equity release are her only two options at this point.

Perhaps you need to sit down with your DM & do a full money assessment

How much she has coming in eg wages, pensions

How much all her bills are

Is there a shortfall ?

Can she sell any possessions ?

Can she access her private pension

Can she rent out a room

Can she claim any benefits like single person council tax discount, universal credit

Perhaps you need to sit down with your DM & do a full money assessment
Please do that Opie and report back to us, I bet she will sit there with a face like a slapped arse tutting and sighing...

What is she bringing to the DC's lives? You've said that she doesn't want to babysit, what does she do that they enjoy? Unless your DM is very different with your DC than she is with you I'm guessing that they wouldn't be missing out on much if they saw her a bit less.

I think you also need to read up on FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
I guess she brings very little. We see her much less than other GPs and I do so out of guilt!
Since having children myself I have realised quite a few things about my own childhood that wasn't right and also how even now the relationship isn't right compared to my in laws who are amazing.
I have been reading up about fear obligation and guilt and it's exactly how I feel.

Apart from asking for money she does sound quite a lot like my M.

I would prepare yourself for her behaviour getting a little worse once you start putting in boundaries. She's used to having full control and won't like that starting to slip.

Do t put up with it though. You don't have to put up with anyone's bad behaviour, especially a badly behaved parent who is demanding money from you.

Sorry - I meant release some equity by remortgaging (as she's still working)

Thats just kicking the can down the road until she is retired.
But really if she can't afford the upkeep now without a mortgage then she's going to struggle with the upkeep and a mortgage.

And once she retires she'll be back to the same boat.