Mum keeps asking for money

[tiredmumma8696]

I thought I would come to Mumsnet to understand if it's me being unreasonable for thinking this way.

My mum lives in a large house, she's early 60s; no mortgage. Still working but on a low ish salary and lives alone. The house is 5 bedrooms and is worth around £650-700k. Mum is struggling to maintain the house due to the investment needed (it's a Victorian house). She's lived their 30 years and done very little to it.

She is struggling for money on monthly basis and is asking for help. My siblings and I have broached the subject about selling the house but she refuses saying it will be too stressful.

I feel resentful handing over money when she is sat in a huge house by herself. Our mortgage is about to go up by £1000 per month (we were on a low fixed rate and now remortgaging). We also have two children in nursery which is expensive.

To give some more background we are not particularly close. My oldest is over 3 and a half and never been offered so much as an hours babysitting or anything like that.

I feel like there is a lot of guilt tripping on her part and I just offer some money to help but starting to feel resentful given she is sat on several hundred thousand if she sold.

AIBU?

Just say No
Do not feel guilty, you must prioritise your own family and you don't have to justify your decision
She needs to sell up and downsize
As a parent of adult DC, I can't even imagine asking

I recently lent my parent (also in 60s) money to help with house costs. HOWEVER this is whilst they are preparing the property for sale as they want to downsize ASAP, for the same sort of reasons that it sounds like your mum should do so too. Of course the process is stressful and takes an emotional toll, but until she commits to selling and downsizing to a financially feasible property, this house will continue to be a drain on your mum's finances (and on the finances of anyone who lends her money to stay in it indefinitely). Sorry OP, there are probably some difficult conversations to be had and I feel for you.

She needs to downsize. This is the financial reality of her situation.

If you start giving her money this will simply delay the inevitable and leave you struggling yourself

Just say No (where's Zammo)

Seriously, If I was your partner I'd seriously resent you giving family money away.
Anything you give is taking away from your savings or treats for your family.

The more you give into your mother the more she will ask for.

I would tell her you are tightening your belts and want her to know that you won't be able to help her ou, but before she asks, to save awkwardness if she asks and you need to say no. You've helped a lot, but she has solutions, just hasn't tried. She may even quite like the company too, if the right person moved in.

You have to say no. You can’t subsidise her for the rest of her life.

Ask her for all the money back that you've previously given her, say you need it as mortgage has risen.

Could you swap houses op?

The other thing that occurred to me is: does she have very low self esteem? Is all of her “standing” in the world (from her pov) tied up in her house?

She really needs to sell up and move now (or take on a lodger who is also handy with diy) because if she is in good health she could live another 30 years by which time the house could have deteriorated very badly.

My friends parents moved just before 60 from a similar house to a 2 bed ground floor flat and love it. They freed up money to enjoy themselves, help their children and had less home to maintain and clean.

It's such a shame that people choose to stay and struggle. I wish my parents had downsized when it would have been easier. My dad started talking about moving then mum got diagnosed with dementia at 61 so they stayed as it would be familiar for longer. I understand that decision as I moved and every time I brought her to my house it was new to her. Their house wasn't a big one but it's still not great for ageing or mobility issues. Mums gone now but dads had so many issues himself that it's just too much for him to think of.

Hi OP, have just skimmed the thread so sorry if I’ve missed anything but I am in exactly the same situation. DM aged 83 now started asking for money about 5 years ago. At the time I suggested she downsize, of course she was not having it. Her comment was “your father and I worked hard to have something to leave you children” to which I responded I do not need it and I’d rather you were living well. Over the last 5 years we have given her £25000 in 3 chunks, my DB who can also afford it has given her nothing but does help her in practical ways.

Fast forward to this year and she’s asked me to give her money for a new bathroom. I’ve told her I’m happy to but it will give given as a charge against her house and this needs to be drawn up by her solicitor. Likewise any future help I give her will be a charge against her house. She went very silent and has not broached the subject again and my brother is not happy about my choice.

What I did will shut down the conversation but I would say it has impacted my relationship with her. But I think once money is involved relationships do become effected.

@nowahousewife
Well done for standing firm and asking for a charge on the property.
I think it will definitely impact our relationship. She doesn't like being told no or not getting her own way. I've been avoiding saying something as we have a big family wedding in 3 weeks time but after starting this thread and hearing all the comments I feel I have the confidence to speak up next time

Well she has 2 options:

1 - sell it and downsize
2 - stay in it and do an equity release for enough money to do the repairs and maintenance (which actually would help with the inheritance tax issue too!)

You ask her which one she wants to do
On repeat
Until she gets it

I would 'train' her to stop asking through a mixture of these suggestions. Asking her for money. Responding to every request for money with a suggestion that she take in a lodger. Let her figure out that ASKING FOR MONEY ALWAYS LEADS TO THE DISCUSSION SHE REFUSES TO HAVE.

@tiredmumma8696 you could suggest swapping houses!? If she won't sell.

Im a little younger but literally counting down the months to when I can sell my house and move to somewhere smaller. Im fed up of house and garden maintenance.
Sorry not helpful

Equity release is a massive scam. Be very careful before you recommend it to anyone.

People seem to end up with a release of say £50k against a £250k house so should have equity of £200k left.

But they 'pay' crazy interest rates against the £50k coming out of the £200k, so really every year the equity in the house drops, few years and the £200k is eroded.

Hence you read threads with people with parents who are stuck, the house needs repairs the parents can't pay it and the have lost so much equity that they can't afford to downsize either.

Another one against equity release here! MIL did equity release of £25k from her home as she wanted to buy a new car, get a new boiler and go on some nice holidays. She didn’t chat with DH or BIL about it and when they found out after the fact they both said they would have lent her the money to do those things if she really needed it.

Fast forward about 8 years and MIL was too unwell to stay in the house and needed to move to a flat quickly. We didn’t have the time to sell the house (she was literally about to be discharged from hospital after a 6 week stay due to a fall), so the plan was to rent out her house to fund the rental of a flat and give her a small income on top of her pension. We were covering the cost of the flat rental while tenants were found for her house (thankfully in a very desirable university city so we had tenants sorted within 6 weeks). On checking the terms of the equity release we found small print that said the property could not be rented out in any way and that we either had to sell the house or buy out the equity release. That £25k released had turned into a bill of £60k and between us and BIL we had to scrape together the money from our own savings to pay it off. Thankfully we were able to raise it, and had our money ringfenced within the value of the property so that we could get it back in the future when the house was eventually sold.

Long story short, avoid equity release if at all possible!

Yes please don't suggest equity release. I'm fairly convinced that my Mum has done it, and doesn't understand that it's essentially a very high interest rate mortgage and you just pay all the interest charges at the end rather than throughout.
DD has just a house from an elderly couple that had done this and it held the sale up for nearly 4 months as it was so complicated for the solicitors to sort.

I'm really glad this has given you the confidence to speak up
At 63 and still working.. simply has no shame!
I'm 58, disabled and moved into a small GF flat purely so I could manage.
As I said upthread, I would never even think of asking my DC to fund my life choices

That's so awful. Daytime TV is filled with adverts of smiley people all recommending equity release. I think they do trade on most older people being too proud to discuss it with family too.

OP you've had some really good advice on here.

If you don't want to rock the boat before the wedding I'd suggest avoiding her as much as possible before then and if she does ask, just be honest and say that your mortgage has just gone up by £1000 and you could do with some help yourself, smile and change the subject.

After the Wedding I'd do these things on rotation each time she asks:

Tell her how much your mortgage has gone up by.

Suggest she rents out some rooms.

Suggest she sells up and moves.

Ask her for some money.

And just keep repeating one of them each time she asks until she stops asking.

If she gets nasty with you, just leave. This is one of the reasons that I only usually see my M at her home, it's so that I can leave if she starts getting nasty.

Any money you have should be going to your future and the safety of your family and home.

Ýour DM should get her property valued by 3 estate agents
Ask how much costs would be for solicitor, moving van, estate agent fees
Then she could look for somewhere smaller

She could release some money to live on

It would be better for her to move now in her 60s, rather than have to move in her 80s

Secondly, at 66 or 67 will she receive a full state pension, she should check here & does she have any other private pension ?

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Ignore the guilt tripping and employ the broken record technique sorry mum I can't afford it and you've got lots of equity in the house that you could release if you were to downsize.
If it was me I would have responded by asking her for money long ago ..... see how she likes them apples

@4Kilos2go
I wouldn't want to live in her house. We've spent so long making our own house the house that's perfect for us and the kids. We would have to start again.

That's a good idea about training, if it always leads to the same discussion which she never wants to have!

She doesn't like being told no or not getting her own way
Too bad, what's she going to do, send you to bec without any pudding? Stop your pocket money?
She has no power over you.