To be upset with friends constant talking about their babies / children

[Lottie2267]

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive? I went for food with 3 of my friends last night. One has two children and is pregnant with 3rd, the other has a 6 month old baby and the other has no children.
I have had 5 miscarriages over the last couple of years, some of which have been quite traumatic and these friends are aware of 3 of them, I haven’t said about the other 2 as it was just exhausting and I didn’t always want to talk about it.
My husband and I have now decided we won’t be trying again and we have both come to terms with the fact that we won’t have children however I haven’t told friends our decision yet.
For the whole meal, the two friends with children continually spoken about their kids, how many people they know are pregnant, who they know who are trying for a baby. There was no other topic of conversation and if ever I tried to change the subject they just reverted back. Our other friend is quite quiet so she didn’t try to change the subject really. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive? Of course I know they are going to talk about their children etc and it’s lovely to hear about them but all the pregnancy talk etc and the fact this is all they spoke about the whole time? As I said, they are unaware that my husband and I are no longer trying and for all they know we could very well still be trying? I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive but I can’t help but feel if I was in a different situation (had children) and I knew a friend had been through what myself and my husband had been through I would never be like that.

YANBU, that is awful of them.

Of course they will mention stuff about their own kids, but it is the height of insensitivity to go on and on about other people's pregnancies while sitting with a friend who they know has had multiple miscarriages.

How upsetting for you OP they sound very insensitive.

Honestly as someone nearly in an identical situation I do think kindly you are being slightly unreasonable.

They don't know about your decision - if you'd let them know about deciding to never had children due to your past and then they'd launched into a several hour long discussion of all things babies that would be terribly insensitive.

To a lot of people (my friends included!) their pregnancies and babies are the centre of their world, as I'd imagine mine would be if I'd been so lucky. I don't begrudge the conversations at all about that sort of thing anymore, I used to at the start but now I'm just happy for them. Especially if they've got such young babies and are currently expecting, that's the general conversation topic.

Perhaps take a small break from seeing them if you're not ready to tell them about your decision? Hopefully they'll be supportive and considerate about future conversations if you're willing to share the decision with them.

YABU/YANBU. The problem is, that this is really all they are going to care about for a while. They could find other (better) conversations but this is their true focus.

So while they could and should have been more sensitive, they were just out being themselves. I think this just going to be like this for a while.

YANBU. Sorry about your miscarriages, I had over four years of infertility before I got very lucky, I can’t help talking about my DD with childless friends a bit as she is such a huge part of my life but I’m careful not to let that dominate the conversation and try to focus on work/ hobbies/ holidays/ current affairs etc as I don’t know their circumstances and if they find it painful to hear too much about children, babies and pregnancies, or even if it’s not painful for them I’m sure too much chat about that is boring!

I hope I would have been just as sensitive if I hadn’t had my own fertility issues but I’m not sure if I would have been. Your friends probably just aren’t thinking but that doesn’t excuse it.

Thanks all. I guess I just find the insensitivity of them knowing that I could still be struggling but I can see why some of you think I am being unreasonable also. I think I will just distance myself from them for a while. It would have just been nice if they had asked how I am / what’s going on in my life but there is no real interest. I do of course understand that their children are their world and like I said, I love to hear about them, how they are doing etc it’s more the fact they were talking about others who were pregnant / trying for a baby etc. I probably would have told them about our decision if they let me get a word in 🙈

Horribly insensitive. Whether they knew of your decision or not, just horribly thoughtless.

To be honest if they were my friends I would tell them directly how painful it is for you.

People are self focused and, I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but what you’ve been through has probably faded for them, in the face of expecting/young children.

It is insensitive, but I would chance being honest about you feelings rather than stay quiet and allow them to upset you.

with one pregnant and the other a six month old I am sure they’re not doing it deliberately. They probably have nothing else to talk about. Baby months are so all consuming a lot of people lose both their sense of self and their ability to think of others they’re so obsessed. It’s a programmed in survival hormone thing. Combined with severe sleep deprivation usually.
if you value their friendship speak to each individually and tell them how the evening made you feel. Hopefully they’ll check themselves in future.

Just tell them how you feel in as light a way as possible. Yes it's insensitive but I can guarantee that they literally just don't realise and will make an effort if you ask them. I had a friend at work who was struggling to conceive and we carried on talking about our own kids, but would certainly have stopped doing so when she was there if she had told us it hurt her. People are crap - I'm sorry.

yanbu my good friend has had lots of miscarriages and has now gone through the change even being 35 weeks pregnant I don’t even really mention the baby unless she asks! Plus I’ve got a million other things to talk about other than my kids!

Work lifestyle nails trends fashion domestics on sm 😅 holidays what’s going on in the news I don’t know I just don’t feel the need to bleet on about my kids or pregnancy tbh think it’s very insensitive and there’s a lot else to talk about in life!

I've found that people who haven't had any struggle to have a family don't really think about how hard this can be for people. It is a natural process for people who are in the thick of having babies to spend all day speaking about their babies but some people will notice and deliberately change the subject, I'm sorry that didn't happen for you.

It is a bit insensitive of them but one is pregnant and one has a young baby. It’s likely all they can really think about at the moment. It really consumes your whole life and they are your complete world at that stage.

People talk about the phase of life they’re in. If everybody in your friend group is trying to be pregnant, actually pregnant, or has young children then that is going to be the core of their conversation.

It’s hard for you to deal with; but it’s not in any way unreasonable on the part of your friends.

It's incredibly boring apart from anything else, to speak on only one topic.

So rude they didn't ask what was new with you, or follow your lines of conversation at all.

If they were my friends I'd just call them on it gently and say you love hearing about their kids, but could we chat about some other things as well.

I'm sorry op 💐

I think this is very common and normal unfortunately. When I was pregnant and had a young baby, that's all people would try to talk to me about! Now my baby is turning almost one it has eased off a bit.
As a general rule I don't bring up my child unless someone asks about her first. In a group of four where half don't have children then I wouldn't expect ALL of the conversation to be about young children and would find that difficult even with one myself.

YANBU. I have a 6 month old and would find that to be incredibly dull as well as insensitive.

There's so many interesting things to talk about.

Thanks all. As I said, I’m happy to talk about their children etc it’s just the fact that’s all that was spoken about for almost two and a half hours. I can see some of you are saying that this is all you would talk about as well so I do understand. I guess everyone is different! Thanks for all your responses!

It is awful for you to have had to sit and listen when you’re unable to have your own. Unfortunately you’ve not told them this and they can’t moderate their conversations when they don’t have that info - which they should absolutely be doing if they were anywhere near good friends.

Child free people are much better company and conversation topics aren’t interrupted by child chat. Generally outings and meet ups tend to be a lot more fun among the child free too since there’s no constricts on needing to get back for the kids. This is very little consolation when you want a child of your own but it might be less painful in the long run if you have a good group of child free friends alongside your existing ones?

These people are your friends so you need to tell them what is going on for you - start the conversation with “guys, I’m feeling really low right now because it looks like children aren’t on the cards for us” would have meant they were sensitive to where you are right now - they aren’t mind readers…

I'm sorry for your situation: that sounds very tough.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. They do sound rather self-absorbed and lacking in awareness and the conversation sounds incredibly dull. On the other hand I think you have to face up to the fact that women with babies and small children do tend to have something of a one-track mind. Particularly if they don't work. If you're not doing anything other than caring for small children or being pregnant or planning for small children you don't have much else to talk about.

I think you should probably distance yourself from them for a while. Rather than creating any permanent rift, as you will probably find as their children get older they will start to get their lives back.

But it's entirely reasonable to recognise that for the moment they are not going to be able to be there for you in the way you want and perhaps find other people who you have more in common with.

This is very common but it doesn’t make it right. It seems to happen with weddings and kids. They become the all-consuming sole topic on conversation for some people (I am emphasising that I said some).

If I met up with a friend and they spoke non-stop about a volleyball hobby or their car I’d probably say something but it’s very difficult with children and weddings since they’re so personal to the people involved, essentially an extension of themselves.

Can you have a word with quiet friend and ask her to engage when you try to change the topic? Or drop a big but friendly hint like “gosh you’ve got so much on both of you with little Tim and little George. You’ve been telling us for an hour and that’s only covered one month. How do you manage?! [tinkly laugh]”

I think most people are quite absorbed in their own lives. When I was single, I had to listen to endless talk about other people's life partners, weddings, children etc. I found it very upsetting

Why didn't you just let the 2 friends talk about their children.

And you could have talked about your pets/ husbands/ housework/ weather/ holidays... with the 4th friend?

I don't think you are being over sensitive. I am a mum to young children myself but my brother and SIL are struggling with infertility so I am always conscious of what I say around them. I'm sure for the time of one meal (a couple of hours?) they could have steered conversation away from children.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and the decision you've had to make. Life has is really cruel sometimes but I hope you are able to find peace.