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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends constant talking about their babies / children

101 replies

Lottie2267 · 23/06/2023 07:13

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive? I went for food with 3 of my friends last night. One has two children and is pregnant with 3rd, the other has a 6 month old baby and the other has no children.
I have had 5 miscarriages over the last couple of years, some of which have been quite traumatic and these friends are aware of 3 of them, I haven’t said about the other 2 as it was just exhausting and I didn’t always want to talk about it.
My husband and I have now decided we won’t be trying again and we have both come to terms with the fact that we won’t have children however I haven’t told friends our decision yet.
For the whole meal, the two friends with children continually spoken about their kids, how many people they know are pregnant, who they know who are trying for a baby. There was no other topic of conversation and if ever I tried to change the subject they just reverted back. Our other friend is quite quiet so she didn’t try to change the subject really. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive? Of course I know they are going to talk about their children etc and it’s lovely to hear about them but all the pregnancy talk etc and the fact this is all they spoke about the whole time? As I said, they are unaware that my husband and I are no longer trying and for all they know we could very well still be trying? I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive but I can’t help but feel if I was in a different situation (had children) and I knew a friend had been through what myself and my husband had been through I would never be like that.

OP posts:
Harrysutton · 23/06/2023 08:17

YANBU. I have older dc than my friends and I was careful not to talk about my dc too much when with them. They all had dc close together and never shit up about them. One night I said you know talking about all of this is really boring for me and friend2 (no dc) and they finally got the hint. I am known for being blunt though.

Harrysutton · 23/06/2023 08:18

Oh what a typo. Never shut up about them.

Tendu · 23/06/2023 08:20

i agree with @Thepeopleversuswork. I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable as such, it’s just an unfortunate clash of your understandable sensitivities and their current preoccupations.

They do sound very dull, having said that, but I assume, if you hadn’t been feeling sensitised by your decision and their baby talk, you would have just changed the subject to something more interesting yoursel?I admit to not having much patience with people who describe sitting for hours among friends, bitterly resenting not being asked what they’re up to, but apparently incapable of just starting to discuss their own stuff.

I can’t decide from your post whether these people are close friends, or just acquaintances. If proper friends, tell them about your decision when you feel able, and let them support you.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/06/2023 08:24

tell them about your decision - not necessarily when in a large group, which I understand could be daunting, but 1:1 conversations with one or two key friends maybe. (and I wouldn't rely on the other child free friend to do that for you, depending on why she is child free, she may not get it).
Maybe say that you'll opt out of things from time to time if you don't feel up to it - it won't deter them from talking about their own children, but they may avoid the constant pregnancy talk about others.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 23/06/2023 08:25

I'm so sorry OP that must have been very hard.

The difficulty is if anything t like me when I became a mum especially early days first few years I had nothing else to talk about 🤦‍♀️ they were all consuming. I would almost be willing to bet your friends dodint realise they were doing this.

However I would have been more sensitive to you and tried to at least listen to what you had to say and talk about some other topics

Depressedornot · 23/06/2023 08:25

You’re not being unreasonable and I would hope I’m not insensitive but my children were my job, my social life, my home life… everything at that stage! I had nothing else to think or talk about. I didn’t work (maternity leave turned into taking a career break until they preschool age). Everything I did socially was baby or toddler activities. It was all my partner and I talked about as parenting is all-consuming at that stage. It might sound boring and careless and heartless (because of your miscarriages) but they probably don’t have anything else to say.

If you tell them, hopefully they should ease up a little.

MrsMikeDrop · 23/06/2023 08:28

I would've been more blunt and said something like "can we change the topic/move off from baby talk". Your other friend was probably bored out of her mind. I would be bored!!

Tinkerbyebye · 23/06/2023 08:28

I would have just started a conversation with the other person, non child related

and if the others questioned it I would just say you know I have had a number of miscarriages, all you talk is about children, which I don’t need to hear, happy to cover off your kids, but then move into other subjects,hence talking to xxx

as I grow older I have less tolerance for selfish people

Original poster
Lottie2267 · 23/06/2023 08:28

@Tendu I did say in my original post that I started topics of conversation on other things and then they reverted straight back. Thank you for your response though!

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 23/06/2023 08:29

Depressedornot · 23/06/2023 08:25

You’re not being unreasonable and I would hope I’m not insensitive but my children were my job, my social life, my home life… everything at that stage! I had nothing else to think or talk about. I didn’t work (maternity leave turned into taking a career break until they preschool age). Everything I did socially was baby or toddler activities. It was all my partner and I talked about as parenting is all-consuming at that stage. It might sound boring and careless and heartless (because of your miscarriages) but they probably don’t have anything else to say.

If you tell them, hopefully they should ease up a little.

How boring that you could only talk about your kids. It’s your choice to make it all consuming, and that shouldn’t be foisted upon others

SunSurfSand · 23/06/2023 08:29

I have children and I'm pregnant. I understand that phase where your world gets quite small.

HOWEVER- I think anyone with basic social skills would know it's rude and boring to talk only about your one topic of interest all through dinner.

Even in the depths of sleep deprivation and nappies- I could ask my friends what was new with them, or ask follow up questions when they raised another topic of discussion.

Half the participants at dinner weren't mothers, it was rude to leave them out by turning it into a forum for mothers, regardless of their own fertility plans.

Especially callous and insensitive to do so when they know OP has had miscarriages.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/06/2023 08:30

YANBU

Yes having a young baby is all consuming if you're on maternity leave you don't always have much else going on to talk about and are in a bit of a baby world.

However that doesn't stop you asking about your friend, how is work, what's she up to, holidays, what's going on in her life etc. Just because someone has nothing to talk about doesn't mean that they shouldn't understand that not everyone will want to hear it and might want to talk themselves.

In my opinion, whatever the situation its rude to continually talk about only one topic and completely dominate the conversation

Redebs · 23/06/2023 08:32

Maybe time to be with different friends?
Pregnancy and small babies are always going to feature in conversation with mums at this stage. It's awkward to expect them not to refer to them when they occupy so much of their life.
How about getting more involved with social groups focused on sports or hobbies? There's less chance of having someone spark up a conversation about babies then.

Sulkyatforty · 23/06/2023 08:33

YANBU but your friends are. They sound very insensitive. I have 3 kids and never/ rarely talk about them to friends who don’t have kids for various reasons

Whataretheodds · 23/06/2023 08:33

BeethovenNinth · 23/06/2023 07:36

Horribly insensitive. Whether they knew of your decision or not, just horribly thoughtless.

This.

It's one thing people talking about their own pregnancies and children (when you meet up with friends you expect them to tall about what's happening in their lives). It's another thing to talk about other people's pregnancies/children.

You'll need to find some friends who don't have kids if you want to avoid the former every single time.

Justsomehousestuff · 23/06/2023 08:35

It's so insensitive. My heart goes out to you.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 23/06/2023 08:38

YANBU.

They sound very boring.
Have they always been this self-involved / had such a small world?
I’ve known people like this, but they get the boot they deserve so fast 😂

Yorkshirelass04 · 23/06/2023 08:38

If they aren't letting you get a word in, is it more they are self centred rather than just insensitive?

Appleblossompetal · 23/06/2023 08:41

It’s possible not to talk about your kids the whole time even if that’s basically all you have to talk about. They’re not being sensitive. I think maybe you need to find some new friends. Sadly you do drift apart from friends, especially when your life is on a different path.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 23/06/2023 08:42

So sorry for your loss OP.

I remember when I had my MC, my two friends were pregnant at the same time and added me into a group chat and all they did was talk about their pregnancy... I eventually had to leave as it was too painful and they're no longer my friends for other reasons.

I think it was incredibly insensitive of them.

QueenVerilas · 23/06/2023 08:43

I find lots of women with kids have nothing else to talk about, tbh. I say that as a woman with kids. It’s certainly where the conversation goes when they are with other women with kids.

I try to spend time with people without kids too.

Appleblossompetal · 23/06/2023 08:43

Babsexxx · 23/06/2023 07:49

yanbu my good friend has had lots of miscarriages and has now gone through the change even being 35 weeks pregnant I don’t even really mention the baby unless she asks! Plus I’ve got a million other things to talk about other than my kids!

Work lifestyle nails trends fashion domestics on sm 😅 holidays what’s going on in the news I don’t know I just don’t feel the need to bleet on about my kids or pregnancy tbh think it’s very insensitive and there’s a lot else to talk about in life!

I agree. It is possible even when babies are completely consuming your life. You can reminisce about previous shared experiences for one thing. Or talk about basically anything else.

phoenixrosehere · 23/06/2023 08:43

YANBU

However if they’re talking about those things and you and the other friend were just sitting there, why didn’t you two simply talk to each other instead and leave them to it?

Whataretheodds · 23/06/2023 08:45

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/06/2023 08:11

I'm sorry for your situation: that sounds very tough.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. They do sound rather self-absorbed and lacking in awareness and the conversation sounds incredibly dull. On the other hand I think you have to face up to the fact that women with babies and small children do tend to have something of a one-track mind. Particularly if they don't work. If you're not doing anything other than caring for small children or being pregnant or planning for small children you don't have much else to talk about.

I think you should probably distance yourself from them for a while. Rather than creating any permanent rift, as you will probably find as their children get older they will start to get their lives back.

But it's entirely reasonable to recognise that for the moment they are not going to be able to be there for you in the way you want and perhaps find other people who you have more in common with.

They talked about other people's pregnancies/TTC though. And they know OP has struggled with fertility. That's crashingly insensitive.

MrsF111 · 23/06/2023 08:46

So sorry OP, you are most defintely not being unreasonable and I can’t believe how unkind your friends are. I would distance myself from them for a while. Yes it is their world at the moment but it’s won’t cause them pain to refrain from talking about it for 2 hours whereas it’s causing you incredible pain to listen to it. People who haven’t been through this can be so insensitive 💔 your friends should have made an effort to understand the grief you have gone through. And I total disagree that it’s ok because you haven’t told them you have decided not to try anymore. Even just knowing you had one misscarraige and still no children should be enough for them to modify their discussions away from pregnancy for the duration of a catch up, let alone 3!!

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