To be upset with friends constant talking about their babies / children

[Lottie2267]

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive? I went for food with 3 of my friends last night. One has two children and is pregnant with 3rd, the other has a 6 month old baby and the other has no children.
I have had 5 miscarriages over the last couple of years, some of which have been quite traumatic and these friends are aware of 3 of them, I haven’t said about the other 2 as it was just exhausting and I didn’t always want to talk about it.
My husband and I have now decided we won’t be trying again and we have both come to terms with the fact that we won’t have children however I haven’t told friends our decision yet.
For the whole meal, the two friends with children continually spoken about their kids, how many people they know are pregnant, who they know who are trying for a baby. There was no other topic of conversation and if ever I tried to change the subject they just reverted back. Our other friend is quite quiet so she didn’t try to change the subject really. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive? Of course I know they are going to talk about their children etc and it’s lovely to hear about them but all the pregnancy talk etc and the fact this is all they spoke about the whole time? As I said, they are unaware that my husband and I are no longer trying and for all they know we could very well still be trying? I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive but I can’t help but feel if I was in a different situation (had children) and I knew a friend had been through what myself and my husband had been through I would never be like that.

This!
Poor you and the 4th friend being stuck there listening to all that.
Not only their own kids, but other people’s! Literally, who cares!

These two friends really do seem lack manners.
If you look back, I bet they always were this selfish (about other things).

It was very insensitive of them. BUT on the flip side, they may not have anything else going on in their lives at the moment. There was definitely a time when my kids were very little where they took up my whole life - I didn't go out, I didn't have time or energy or money for hobbies and I literally had nothing else to talk about.

Extremely thoughtless and insensitive of them OP. A bit of brief talk about kids - fine. Then move on. Those saying that they probably have nothing else to talk about, they could try listening instead? Ask the other two friends what's going on in their lives maybe

OP, I'm so sorry for your losses. It can be so tough to make the decision to stop, but I hope in time you can find peace. Take your time to grieve. Up to you whether you share your decision with these friends but be prepared to step back from the friendship if they don't get it

But OP you probably are still struggling, but in a different way. You now have to struggle to come to terms with never having children, and that is really really tough too. Your friends are being completely insensitive, and would be both if they knew of your decision or thought you were still trying.

I’ve experienced some of what you went through and it is truly awful. I hated being around pregnant friends or those with kids, it was a constant reminder of what I thought at the time I couldn’t have.

YANBU at all, and I don’t know what the solution is really. Perhaps you could meet them individually, tell them of your decision, and tell them how upset you are. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with gently pointing out that sometimes you’d like to talk about other things too.

And perhaps think about some counselling for yourself (haven’t read the full thread, apologies if this has already been addressed).

for you OP

Except the friends do know that the OP has suffered from recurrent miscarriages. So yes they do have info enough to moderate their conversations,they just don't want to. It's bloody insensitive to be speaking about all the women you know who are pregnant and going on about babies to someone you know has suffered multiple miscarriages. They are just not good friends.

This is so spot on!
Of course they could make a bigger effort for you but it’s what their life about now. Some people are just more focused on themselves than others.
They probably were like this before (talked more about themselves) but you were ok with topics so it wasn’t so obvious.
Cool down your relationship a bit and look out for new friends.

I think that sounds really tough.

I have a toddler and am pregnant but when I go out for dinner or drinks with friends (some have children some don’t, some can’t, some don’t fancy it) I always try to make sure it’s a mix of conversations eg work, tv, music, mutual friends AND children (can’t just pretend this topic doesn’t exist) it needs to be a diverse evening!!

@Whataretheodds

Yeah I agree with you, it is insensitive and I'm not excusing it. I just think they probably aren't really aware of how painful it is for the OP and also probably don't have much else to talk about.

I don't think there's really a solution here other than to gently disengage for a bit.

I agree with this.

It is insensitive and it would be much kinder of them to make an effort to change the conversation to other things.

The problem is that they are very consumed with this as it's almost entirely their whole life right now. It's what they spend their day thinking about and doing and they possibly don't have much else to talk about.

I'd try to find some friends who are also without children or maybe join a hobby? I'm not saying to drop these friends but maybe widening your social circle might be helpful.

Or maybe you could suggest an activity when you all meet up instead of dinner where it's all chat? Maybe badminton or an escape room or something. Might lead itself better to other conversation

I think this is true. I had horrendous PND and PNA with my second and my world become so small. It does on mat leave anyway. Your day revolves around the whim of your baby.

im sorry for your losses OP. I would let them know you found it difficult but expect that in doing so, you’ve made a choice to create some distance for the time being.

Everything SunSurfSand has said.
It bloody rude to drone on about one subject regardless of what it is for the whole evening! When my children were little I enjoyed going out and talking about anything ,rather than babies after the quick 5 min comments about how they are etc . Another reason I enjoyed going back to work twice a week .

It's really boring when anyone talks all the time about their children. No one should be doing it.

I agree. I'm a SAHM so don't have much going on besides that, but I'm very conscious of not letting baby talk dominate the conversation. How boring, even for me! 😴

I have a lot more sympathy than other people on this thread for their urge to talk about their children all night. Yes, it's all you really think about when they're tiny but even so it's only the only thing you can talk about it if you think all conversation should revolve around you. OP says she started other topics but even if she hadn't they should have asked her questions so the conversation should never have been entirely about children. Even if they didn't know it was a painful topic for you they knew it wasn't one you could participate in so it was really rude. I absolutely don't think that you have to just accept that this is how it is with mothers of young children.

I would tell them how it made you feel - be prepared for them to be a bit defensive/deny how long they talked about it but it will hopefully make them think in the future.

Terrible typo - I meant a lot less sympathy!

Yanbu. Before I had children I found talking about them quite dull.

Now I have friends who don’t have children or haven’t met the right person yet, I don’t drone on about my DC to them. It’s not difficult to have some tact and sensitivity.

I can completely see your point. Although we have a child now, it was a struggle & involved a lot of heartbreak. Two of my best friends were pregnant at the same time and sent me pics of their new nurseries/baby clothes/cute cuddly toys/scan pics etc. I found it rather heartbreaking at the time.

I was conscious not to do this when I was pregnant. We have a group chat and someone is in the exact same situation as you, so I always try to be sensitive & never sent scan pics etc to the group.

I know children take over people's lives but it is boring when it's all they talk about.

I wouldn't talk about children loads to anyone especially to those that don't have any (for whatever reason). There are plenty of things in life to talk about.

I hope you're doing ok OP.

I really dont think there doing it deliberately. My cousin had 9 miscarriages and on the 10th had healthy twins so it can turn out good

I’ve had a somewhat similar situation.

I had a couple of miscarriages previously - one being at the same time my friend was pregnant. We had the same due date. I remember going for dinner with a group of friends and the whole time was non stop chatting about her pregnancy. Awful jealousy and hurt when she started showing off the baby clothes she just bought which felt like rubbing it in my face (although I understand just excitement on her part) I went home and felt horrific. When we would meet up babies, baby names etc would be chatted about constantly. I felt suffocated and jealous.

If you feel comfortable I would text your friends before you meet or speak to your friends whilst the conversation is going on to let them know you’re finding the convo hard. If I was having a bit of a rough day I would message before and say so, and that did they mind not talking too much about child related because I was struggling but still wanted to see them.

Now I have a DS I talk about him a lot, I do not think your friends realise they are being insensitive. I do not talk about him unless my friend who lost her daughter late in pregnancy asks about him because I know how I felt after my losses when friends constantly went on.

So I will say you are definitely not being unreasonable for feeling hurt, and your friends are not unreasonable for chatting about their babies. However, I really would recommend speaking up. True friends would and do understand.

Miscarriages are very hard to understand unless you’ve been through them. So I started giving my friends grace for not knowing how I feel and would tell them instead x

There is just nothing more boring than other people's children, but the problem is that many people believe there's nothing more fascinating than their own.

Don't know what the answer is with people who don't realise this. I tried to just answer questions briefly but otherwise avoided talking about my children. If you value friendships I think you've just got to grit your teeth and bear it for a few years.

I don't think you are unreasonable to find this upsetting, sending hugs. I remember when we were TTC how hard it was with so many friends being pregnant/having children.
However I also don't think they're being unreasonable either, when you have young children/babies it does seem to consume your life and thoughts, I doubt they've realised how insensitive they're being and won't be intentionally trying to upset you

Sorry for your hard time
I would open up and be direct - if they are real friends then talking will help and you can ask for what you need which is a bit more sensitivity and they will naturally give it
i don’t think withdrawing is ultimately helpful for you …

Surely if these are real friends they should be able to hear "I felt really uncomfortable about how the conversation seemed to be about other people TTC/being pregnant. It's one thing to talk about your pregnancies and your kids - that's integral to your lives and we are friends - but I tried to change the subject a couple of times with no success and I found that really insensitive. If you think we can leave that out of our meetups in future that would be great. If not, it's best I step back for a bit.

I’ve got two kids and made a conscious point about not talking about them all the time. It’s rude, small- minded and selfish. Your friends need to remember there’s a whole world out there, and people that have lives going on with all the ups and downs that it entails.
I have the oldest children in my friendship group and now my friends have kitties ones it is all they talk about so I have to give the catch ups a miss sometimes. Or it is just a downer.
I would still be friends (if otherwise valued), but would distance for a bit and find new friendships

Hi Lottie. Not unresonable at all. I had a miscarriage at 28, never became pregnant again, so I can understand how you feel.
I do find people with kids can appear to be selfish. That is all they talk about!! I see it all the time in friends and family too. I have never said anything to them, but feel we have less in common now.
I can imagine it takes over their life, but they don't stop to even ask how I am either.
We have had a good life with lots of benefits and compensations.
The ironic that is thing is that 90% of conversations with them consist of moaning and whinging about their kids!!