To be upset with friends constant talking about their babies / children

[Lottie2267]

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive? I went for food with 3 of my friends last night. One has two children and is pregnant with 3rd, the other has a 6 month old baby and the other has no children.
I have had 5 miscarriages over the last couple of years, some of which have been quite traumatic and these friends are aware of 3 of them, I haven’t said about the other 2 as it was just exhausting and I didn’t always want to talk about it.
My husband and I have now decided we won’t be trying again and we have both come to terms with the fact that we won’t have children however I haven’t told friends our decision yet.
For the whole meal, the two friends with children continually spoken about their kids, how many people they know are pregnant, who they know who are trying for a baby. There was no other topic of conversation and if ever I tried to change the subject they just reverted back. Our other friend is quite quiet so she didn’t try to change the subject really. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive? Of course I know they are going to talk about their children etc and it’s lovely to hear about them but all the pregnancy talk etc and the fact this is all they spoke about the whole time? As I said, they are unaware that my husband and I are no longer trying and for all they know we could very well still be trying? I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive but I can’t help but feel if I was in a different situation (had children) and I knew a friend had been through what myself and my husband had been through I would never be like that.

Sorry bout your losses. You are definitely not being over sensitive, given they know your situation. Also, that sounds like such a boring dinner… I assume at some point you’ll tell them your decision to not try anymore, after that I think you either need to not see them or insist they are more sensitive (and more interesting…)

I completely disagree.

Everyone understands that parents are going to talk about their children. That’s fine but when it’s the only thing you ever talk about it’s fucking tedious.

And it’s not a matter of not caring about friends care about- of course we do! It’s just… there’s a limit. It’s not reasonable under any circumstances to dominate an entire conversation and ignore attempts to steer the conversation elsewhere. That’s self-centred. It shows you only think your shit matters and everyone else can fuck off.

The same women who do this will eventually complain when their friends distance themselves from them and blame the friends for it when it’s their own behaviour that’s done it.

Isn’t it?

I don’t know how it’s not unreasonable for anyone, pregnant or with young child or not, to dominate a conversation to talk exclusively about what they want whilst ignoring the other people there.

it may not be intentional, but it shows a distinct amount of self-centredness that is unreasonable.

If I’d started a new job and was really loving it and dead excited about it, would it be reasonable for me to talk all night about it and not let anyone else change the conversation?

YANBU. I lost a fair number of friends to this kind of nonsense, because it continued after the kids started school. I don’t have the patience to spend years talking solely about other people’s kids, it’s completely tedious.

Childfree friends are the way forward I’m afraid!

Hugely insensitive and rude. Not to mention boring as hell.

They may not know you've stopped trying but they're aware of 3 miscarriages and they shouldn't be droning on all evening about babies and pregnancies. Obv there's bound to be some mention as they're in the thick of all that but not for 2.5 hours!!

How boring that's all you talk about.

Yes very insensitive. But even without knowing of your difficulties, really really boring! I was the first of my friendship group to have a baby and that remained the case for another four years when two others had their first within a month of each other. In those interim years I was very aware of not being a "baby bore" and would try not to bang on and remember to raise other topics of conversation, ask the others about their jobs, holidays etc. Four years later, omg, all they ever spoke about was babies!!!! So BORING. Neither of them wanted to go back to work (fair enough) but used to drone on about how mothers who worked were "breaking a bond that shouldn't be broken" while i sat there, a FT working mother! The fourth friend in the group didn't have children (and still doesn't) so she must have been even more bored than me!

That is incredibly insensitive of your friends, not to mention they sound extremely boring!!

I havent read other posts but read half of your first.. as soon as yiu explained your situation bs theirs its clear you are
moving along different paths in life and thats not going to change. I think over the time yiu will become aquaintances instead of friends, save yourself getting hurt and try sticking in circles where the topic that hurts you wont keep popping up.

You*vs typos :)

YANBU, my friends are exactly the same and it is hideous. Two in particular love to talk about how easily they fell pregnant and they are so incredibly fertile, all whilst a 3rd was undergoing IVF.

People are self absorbed unfortunately

YANBU but the fact that 42% have responded to your poll saying YABU shows that there are plenty of Those People around.

Yanbu from me. Even if they were in the company of people who had no difficulties, talking about their children constantly is very very boring for the people they're out with.
Of course their babies are the centre of their world, but people with any emotional intelligence realise their kids aren't the centre of everyone else's! It's just rude.

Even when I was a sahm and in the midst of child rearing, I still managed to talk to other people about their own lives/jobs/relationships. It was still possible to talk about current affairs etc. It's really not that difficult a thing to do.

It’s just so boring, isn’t it. I was musing the other day actually how I know people who complain that their friendships change or become distant once they have children - those same people need to do a little naval gazing and realise that’s perhaps because not everyone only wants to hear/talk about dear little darling all the time. Some people have children and it becomes their entire identity. YANBU for many reasons already mentioned!

Even if you hadn’t had miscarriages, I think it’s pretty rubbish to only talk about pregnancy and children the whole time if you are in a group with others that are not pregnant or have no children. The fact they know you have had miscarriages makes them really insensitive.

To be fair to them, they’re probably in the thick of it with young children, it is all consuming. BUT, friends are important and they should realise.

One has a 6 month old baby and the other is pregnant and has 2 other small kids? YABU that's literally their whole world right now. YANBU to distance yourself, you don't have much in common now. I haven't had any miscarriages and have no kids and even I struggle with my friends who have small babies - any convo with them gets mega boring very quickly.

It’s rude to dominate a group meet up with any one topic of conversation, even if they didn’t know of your struggles, and they do. If that’s what the two of them insist on talking about they shouldn’t bother including other people.

I have a friend who’s childless by circumstance and I’ve seen her quite often recently. I’ve got a two month old and a preschooler. When the older one is at nursery and it’s just us and the baby we talk about literally everything else - her job hunt, current affairs, diy, friends, relatives, holidays, my work, relationships, tv, music, etc etc etc.

When I want to chat about baby stuff which I do sometimes, it’s with friends who are at the same stage, not people who aren’t and couldn’t care less.

YABU that's literally their whole world right now.

No, that’s not necessarily the case at all. It’s not the same for everyone and pretty reductive to think it’s universal that on having a baby or being pregnant your brain falls out and you don’t care about anything else.

Makes sense if they were only talking about their own lives, but they were talking about other people's. If they'd thought for a minute to ask about what was going on for OP they might have realised how inappropriate they were being.

@AnneLovesGilbert Before my friends started having kids, I'd have agreed with you. I've just last weekend had to endure a brunch with one who has a 3 month old and one pregnant with her second, and honestly NOTHING could take away from the topic of babies. They literally had absolutely no interest in anything else and at the end of the 3 hours I went home exhausted. I LOVE babies and kids but fuck me that was hard. They probably don't realize they're doing it and they're wonderful friends usually so I'm still keeping the friendships in the hope they'll come round one day. Plus I'm planning my own soon so maybe that'll happen to me too.

Sorry I don't agree with all the "if you're in the pregnant/small baby/young child stage of life its all encompassing and there's nothing else you can think/talk about" excuse

A) even accepting that its really inconsiderate to not take ops circumstances into consideration it is really, really boring, and rude, to talk about ANY topic exclusively, even more so if its one half the group cant contribute to. Nobody really cares about other people's kids so taking it in turns to talk about their own kids while the child free element of the group die of boredom is hardly conducive to a fun night out

B) even if they have absolutely nothing else to talk about in their own lives (which is sad, do you really think their male dps spend all their time talking about their kids?) this is why they should have taken the opportunity to ask op (other the other childfree friend) about what's going on in their lives. Again regardless of the children element monologuing all night and never asking anyone else about their lives/interests is a sign of a terrible conversationalist and bad friend.

Well yeah, but I didn’t work, so my kids were my “job” and my social life. I didn’t foist it on others though, and mostly hung out with other mums.

I did try to not be boring. But I really didn’t have anything else going on, so my contribution to “what’s new with you?” Would probably always have been kid-related. If I could feel myself being dull, I turned the topic onto the other person. I still do this, and I think I’m a good friend.

My life then (to you perhaps) would have been really boring though!

But, like i said, the op wasn’t being unreasonable. But I can understand why her friends talk about nothing but kids because they prob have nothing else going on. If they don’t steer away when prompted, then they’re being insensitive and self absorbed though.

Sensitivity awareness to your situation aside, which they obviously don’t have., They sound like narcissistic own kid obsessed bores.

They're being insensitive but people generally are when it comes to infertility I find (been there).

Even aside from the miscarriages, I hate when people only talk about kids, it's dull (and I'm a mother with another on the way!). I don't want to be talking about mine all the time either.

YANBU, that was really insensitive of them. Some chat about kids is to be expected but not the whole time. Tbh even if you hadn't had miscarriages it would still be poor to spend an entire meal only talking about kids when not everyone there has them, but the miscarriages make it so much worse.