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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL makes me feel uncomfortable

80 replies

mummypie17 · 21/06/2023 22:21

I am close with my brother and I generally get along with his wife. We have a WhatsApp group together and try to meet up when we can. However, she sometimes indirectly makes comments about my parenting and compares it to her own sister (who she admires deeply).

Some examples:

I put my ds in nursery when he was 2 years old whilst I was working. SIL's sister didn't put her ds into pre-school until he was nearly 4 (which is absolutely not an issue as to each their own). She will tell me that it's so much better for kids to not go to nursery until they're older and she'll ensure she does the same as her sister.

I have never sleep trained my 2 DS. My SIL will tell me how she's sleep-training her DD like her sister did and I should consider it to make my life easier.

I gave my 5 year old DS a chocolate cookie and she commented that her sister's DC don't even know what chocolate is.

I obviously won't say anything to my brother as I don't want to cause a rift. My brother has told me that his wife has always been in awe of her older sister. This is fine but I don't see what it has to do with me.

Would it be unreasonable for me to just distance myself from her as sometimes after speaking to her, I feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 21/06/2023 22:27

I think it depends on her tone. If you think she's putting herself out as a superior parent to you and putting you down then by all means step back. The alternative is that she's so in awe of her sister and thinks everything she does is magic that she's just blathering about it without realising how you could take it.

Any ideas which?

Kanaloa · 21/06/2023 22:28

Could you just laugh it off? So if she says ‘oh my niece doesn’t even know what chocolate is’ couldn’t you just scoff/laugh and say ‘poor kid! I like offering my kids a balanced diet!’ Or if she insists that you need to sleep train just say ‘nah, we’re happy as we are.’

But I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to distance yourself. She sounds a bit annoying.

Kingdedede · 21/06/2023 22:29

Yeah I totally believe a 4+ year old doesn’t know what chocolate is 😂😂😂

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 21/06/2023 22:31

Take no notice, it’s not worth it. If she had kids she’ll change her tune pretty fast. It’s only tactlessness isn’t it?

Theunamedcat · 21/06/2023 22:31

Why sleep train a good sleeper is the obvious stealth brag here

As for the chocolate? I'm sure they will find out what chocolate is when they socialise....

Or you could ignore it

Original poster

mummypie17 · 21/06/2023 22:33

I think it's a little bit of both. She does genuinely think her sister knows best but also at the same time is trying to be a bit smug about it with me. I think she wouldn't want to offend me to the point where I restrict contact. I think she's just seeing how far she can push it.

OP posts:

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 21/06/2023 22:34

Sounds annoying! You could answer back a little sharply?

Waterfallgirl · 21/06/2023 22:36

Tbh I think this could be for a few reasons. The way you have described it she doesn’t sound like she is being deliberately nasty or judging you .
If you don’t think it’s her being deliberately nasty then I think distancing from her is maybe not the right way to go. Feels a bit drastic!

Maybe try to work in some other common ground to talk about? Or even talk to her about it / how it makes you feel if you can.

But if she admires her sister to that extent then there’s not a lot you can do, and leave her to it! Lots of people have ‘opinions’ on how others should bring up their child, mostly you can ignore, or say, ‘that’s nice’ and move the conversation on.

maybe…

she lacks confidence herself and looks to her sister for reassurance and guidance.
could she be a bit nervous around you and is just trying to make conversation?
She is looking to be closer with you but struggles to find any common ground.

I might be totally out here. I find I am quite socially awkward sometimes and come out with all sorts of shit to try to make conversations, so that might be it?

Lollypop701 · 21/06/2023 22:36

Just look at her and say how lovely, smile and hand dc a chocolate bar

DysmalRadius · 21/06/2023 22:42

Surely you've been a parent long enough to know that literally every piece of advice has an equal and opposite recommendation? Just bust these out whenever she wangs on about her sister!

'I wanted my kids to see me working hard and understand the importance of being financially independent.'

'Whenever I read about sleep training it just seemed so brutal - fair play to your sister if she wasn't worried about attachment issues.'

'I believe that denying children doesn't teach them self control - I'd rather my kids learned how to regulate their intake themselves and have healthy eating patterns that don't rely on food being forbidden.'

(nb none of these particularly represent my beliefs, just examples. Don't come at me!!)

MMMarmite · 21/06/2023 22:54

I might be completely wrong here, but I could see myself doing something like this. I have no children, its sadly not happened for me yet, but spend a lot of time around my friend's child.

When I'm around parents of similar aged children, I don't really have my own experiences to add to the conversation, so sometimes I talk about her, and obviously what I say about her and her family is complimentary, cos I like them I'm not going to start randomly bitching about them. I can see now some comments might come across as a smug comparison, I'll have to keep an eye on it in future.

dartsofcupid · 21/06/2023 23:02

It sounds tedious. You do get people who love advising others on the best way to raise their own children, like it isn’t totally personal and largely dependent on the child too. I suppose how best to handle it depends how SIL is as a person. My older DSis has the oldest child in the family but only by three months. DSis became an expert on sleep, largely because her eldest was a poor sleeper. Mine were fine. Just luck. But I used to get lectured all the time. It didn’t really make any sense because I didn’t have an issue. Same with food, mine would 99% eat what they were given, out of three she had one incredibly fussy eater. Again, I just got lucky.

Our oldest kids are now teens but very occasionally she speaks to me like my eldest (who is in the same year at school as her eldest) is about five. I just ignore.

We didn’t fall out but it is a PITA. If you can ignore, that’s probably safest but you might want to go for a heavy sigh or changing the subject when she starts? She might get the message that you don’t need or want to hear it. Or go for ‘yeah that’s great for your sister, they’re all really different aren’t they?’ Repeat until she gets it.

And also very much doubt a five year old doesn’t know what chocolate is, that’s just silly.

Kitkatcatflap · 22/06/2023 03:10

I would smiles and say 'you should write these down for when YOU have children

MysteryBelle · 22/06/2023 03:54

Lollypop701 · 21/06/2023 22:36

Just look at her and say how lovely, smile and hand dc a chocolate bar

This is really the best way to handle it, Op. She has to realize what she’s doing and if she does, this will frustrate her and keep you from wasting years of your life on trying to understand why she does it and always having to resolve conflicts with her. Don’t play the game. Very simple. I wished I had known this advice a long time ago. And, go as low contact as possible so that neither you nor your dc are aggravated or influenced by her.

If by chance she doesn’t realize what she’s doing, then still handle it this way, because if you try to explain, she won’t get it or she’ll resent you. Because whenever you try to work out a conflict with someone, 99 out of 100 times it makes the situation worse. Sad but true.

OddSockSeeker · 22/06/2023 04:00

If you want to distance yourself then do so. I would listen to your gut and do what makes you feel good. Sounds like you’re being compared to someone who is quite irritating. Move away. 😘

AliceOlive · 22/06/2023 04:02

It’s absolutely ok and even wise for you to distance yourself from people that make you uncomfortable.

I heard from someone in South Africa that they just say “Is it?” in response to stupid comments like this. I picture someone with raised eyebrows and a tilted head. I would try adopting that kind of demeanor for her comments.

Original poster

mummypie17 · 22/06/2023 06:47

Thanks everyone for your very helpful advice 🙂SIL does have a child but she's only just turned 6 months old.

Another thing that also makes me feel uncomfortable, is that my SIL keeps insinuating that I use my DM (her MIL). My mum and I have a close relationship and will come and visit when I'm off work. SIL will make comments like 'I guess you need your mum's help on your days off too' (said in a cheery way) or saying 'your mum could visit us but she's probably too busy helping you'.

OP posts:

Grumpigal · 22/06/2023 07:01

She sounds like an absolute bitch to be honest.

If you’re close to your brother why can’t you say “Have I done something to upset “wife” because she is really passive aggressive towards me, it’s starting to really upset me - do you know why she’s doing it”

Be prepared to give examples.

Next time she says something like “oh MIL will be too busy with you etc” cut her off and call her out ”I’m not sure what you mean sorry - why is it an issue I’m spending time with my Mum, do you think I am abusing her free time?”

people like this need calling out! She knows exactly what she’s doing

eish · 22/06/2023 07:01

‘Mum isn’t helping me, she’s visiting me. I am so lucky that I have a close relationship with my family just like you and your big sister’. Definitely correct her. Your mum is enjoying time with you and her grandchild not coming over - unless you are handing her a mop on arrival?! Definitely shut that bit down.

as to her sister, I’d just say, everyone parents individually and find what suits them. Or, you could be passive aggressive and say ‘gosh your poor sister having to sleep train, we’re lucky things aren’t bad enough that we’d ever have to go through something so traumatic. Fingers crossed you don’t either’.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/06/2023 07:01

Welcome to motherhood...

I personally couldnt get worked up about this. But i do seem to get unsolicited opinions from every fucker. Inc. people i know and often love.

People are just unthinkingly making conversation half the time, or trying to reassure themselves their "method" is great. I have a happy child who is thriving so i really am not fussed by the opinions (well intentioned or otherwise) of others. I KNOW i am doing a good job.

If you like her bar the weird comments I'd just make it clear i am bored with "Myyyyy sister does X. Its the best!" My go to phrases are generic "oh very good" "thats nice " " oh really"

If you just put up with her in general as she is a sil - distance yourself if you want.

SchoolShenanigans · 22/06/2023 07:03

"just wait until you have kids, you're opinion will likely change"

Kilorrery · 22/06/2023 07:05

I would laugh and say ‘Dear god, SIL, have you always hero-worshipped your sister to this extent? That’s so sweet!’ and change the subject.

Or just say ‘SILSister’sName, the renowned parenting guru!’ every time she starts quoting her on chocolate or sleep training.

Or just see your brother separately. His wife sounds tiresome.

bookworm44 · 22/06/2023 07:05

Kingdedede · 21/06/2023 22:29

Yeah I totally believe a 4+ year old doesn’t know what chocolate is 😂😂😂

Why is that so unbelievable to you? I agree each to their own but why do you think it's not possible for a 4 year old to not have been introduced to chocolate yet?

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/06/2023 07:05

mummypie17 · 22/06/2023 06:47

Thanks everyone for your very helpful advice 🙂SIL does have a child but she's only just turned 6 months old.

I take it all back. She is a dick.
Shes "guesses you need help," riiiiight.

Fuck. Right. Off.

Distance away...

SchoolShenanigans · 22/06/2023 07:05

"no SIL, she's coming over because we enjoy each others coming, not because I need her help".

Be honest with her. She's making sly digs because she can. Stay polite but let her know she's wrong.

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