My SIL makes me feel uncomfortable

[mummypie17]

I am close with my brother and I generally get along with his wife. We have a WhatsApp group together and try to meet up when we can. However, she sometimes indirectly makes comments about my parenting and compares it to her own sister (who she admires deeply).

Some examples:

I put my ds in nursery when he was 2 years old whilst I was working. SIL's sister didn't put her ds into pre-school until he was nearly 4 (which is absolutely not an issue as to each their own). She will tell me that it's so much better for kids to not go to nursery until they're older and she'll ensure she does the same as her sister.

I have never sleep trained my 2 DS. My SIL will tell me how she's sleep-training her DD like her sister did and I should consider it to make my life easier.

I gave my 5 year old DS a chocolate cookie and she commented that her sister's DC don't even know what chocolate is.

I obviously won't say anything to my brother as I don't want to cause a rift. My brother has told me that his wife has always been in awe of her older sister. This is fine but I don't see what it has to do with me.

Would it be unreasonable for me to just distance myself from her as sometimes after speaking to her, I feel uncomfortable?

She sounds like a great laugh and her sister even more so! Avoid!

This!
Rinse and repeat every time

She is jealous, mean and bitchy. I'd say stop socializing with her 1 to 1. Just see her at family events, where you can always sit far away from her and speak with other people. If she says shit there, she'll reveal her shining colours to everyone and they'll all know what she's like.

“Ha, I was a perfect parent when mine was a baby too. It’s easy when they’re all immobile and potato-y isn’t it?”

”Try stopping my children learning about chocolate! They’re so curious and interested in the world. Sometimes I wish I’d had one of those compliant little potato babies.” ::side eye at SIL’s baby::

Oh god OP are you really going to use any of the phrases suggested here. Aren’t you worried you’ll cringe yourself to death.

Please ignore the childrearing comments - anyone who pontificates about how they will bring up their DCs is in for a shock once they have one.
She is obviously jealous of your time with DM but really needs to suck it up. How can't she see that some people are close to their DM's?

When I got unsolicited advice I had a stock answer. Now bear in mind I’m neurodivergent (ADHD and Autistic) and I believe DD is too. It’s been easy to parent her a lot of the time (she’s 10) but I have found my own style. Any time someone makes any comment like this I say ‘Ah well, we parent the individual child the best way we can’. For example, my sister’s two kids are totally different both from each other and from DD. We will share parenting ideas/strategies/books but we know only certain things will help.
I think you’re being too polite with SIL. She keeps making these comments because she can! Pick a stock phrase, stick with it, grey rock basically. Don’t give her any reaction til she gets bored of doing it.

Has this child never been to a birthday party, had a Christmas, read a book or watched TV? Unless they live in a very isolated bubble they know what chocolate is! My 4 year has never had sweets, but he knows what they are because he lives in the real world.

She's actually really close with her own mother and sees her everyday (at the moment she's on maternity leave).

The thing is I love my brother and my niece and I do like my SIL and want us to get on. She's always friendly with me. It's more recently that I'm getting these comments. It is getting me a bit down as it makes me feel incompetent when I'm usually confident and have a good job in Youth Work.

Grey rock it OP.

With people like this, reply to their every comment with "Good for you", "Great", "Nice one", with a relaxed smile on your face.

At the same time you must continue exactly as you were, taking none of their comments on board.

It drives them nuts!

She's a dick!

Try this.
"Doesn't know what chocolate is, how ridiculous!"

Sounds like she says whatever she likes, no matter how rude/smug. Why are you mute? Why don't you also speak your mind?

I’d say from what I’ve read in your posts she seems quite jealous / insecure. It’s easy for her to say now what she will and won’t do with her child but there’s no way she can know until her daughter is a bit older. There’s nothing wrong with her idolising her sister but the way she talks about things sounds like she doesn’t have her own mind.

I would flip it round and instead of feeling uncomfortable for yourself I’d start feeling uncomfortable and sorry for your SIL - she must be so sad and insecure that she needs to make these comments to you and live her life through her sisters choices.

Does she want to be close to you? Are these honestly, friendly comments?

Because they sound unpleasant to me.

I don't usually have a problem with speaking my mind but when it comes to family, I don't want to rock the boat. I don't think she wants a close relationship with me (which is fine). I do want us to have a cordial/civil relationship. However, my DB tells me she is very complimentary about me when talking to him 🤷

My DB isn't close with my DH but they get along and genuinely seem respect each other.

However, my DB tells me she is very complimentary about me when talking to him

Are you discussing your DSIL with DB - his loyalties are with her.
Honestly having babies rearing children is a minefield. Perhaps see less of her?
Before you know it they will be at school and life will be very different. They aren't little for long (I know everyone says this but it's true!) they'll grow up regardless of what mother does what.

You need to reply back with ‘Good for you’, ‘Each to their own I guess’. If she says things about your mum seeing or helping you, just say ‘Yes it is nice very a close relationship with mum, just like you do with your mum and sister’.

See through it to the reasons for the comments. Where it's insecurity that your DM cares more for your child than hers, it's worth addressing openly.

Gawwwwd! Don't you wish you could just turn round to her and say 'I wish you would shut the fuck up'

My son is 3 and loves chocolate in moderation GASP!!!

I think she sounds like a bitch.

I would see her less. If she says anything annoying, either put her in her place, or laugh and say “If you say so.”

She and her sister are going to be in for a shock as their kids get older, parties, play dates, puberty and god forbid teens.....

Completely agree with this.

Mmm, you say this is more recent. As in, since she had her own baby? I also find this sort of thing tedious, but it may well be that she's trying to engage with you as a mother but as her children are younger, she needs to use her sister's advice?

I agree with others though that the solution is to respond to those comments but only in a very brief, simple way and move on. "that's lovely that your sister was able to do what worked for her and her family. I'm very happy that DS is in nursery and he loves it so it's a win all round." etc.

I do not know why some women behave like this. I am sure most of us will have experienced something near to this when we have had children. I think the best way to react to the snidey comments is to smile and change the subject. Never react directly or answer her in context. She sounds awfully boring to me.