My SIL makes me feel uncomfortable

[mummypie17]

I am close with my brother and I generally get along with his wife. We have a WhatsApp group together and try to meet up when we can. However, she sometimes indirectly makes comments about my parenting and compares it to her own sister (who she admires deeply).

Some examples:

I put my ds in nursery when he was 2 years old whilst I was working. SIL's sister didn't put her ds into pre-school until he was nearly 4 (which is absolutely not an issue as to each their own). She will tell me that it's so much better for kids to not go to nursery until they're older and she'll ensure she does the same as her sister.

I have never sleep trained my 2 DS. My SIL will tell me how she's sleep-training her DD like her sister did and I should consider it to make my life easier.

I gave my 5 year old DS a chocolate cookie and she commented that her sister's DC don't even know what chocolate is.

I obviously won't say anything to my brother as I don't want to cause a rift. My brother has told me that his wife has always been in awe of her older sister. This is fine but I don't see what it has to do with me.

Would it be unreasonable for me to just distance myself from her as sometimes after speaking to her, I feel uncomfortable?

It sounds like she is probably insecure in her own parenting skills. Confident happy people don't try to put others down. She obviously looks to her sister for "the right way" and is perhaps bringing it up with you because she's not 100% convinced it's right. I'd keep reminding her every child/family is different and it's great to see people finding their own parenting styles. Honestly, just smile and brush it off. It's a hidden compliment that she has to raise it with to gauge your thoughts.

Be firm, here’s a couple of tag lines you may like to use:
”Each to their own”
”It wouldn’t do for us all to be the same”
Finaly “Mind your own business “ 😊

You see YOUR mum every day so what exactly is the issue?

Honestly I’ve had enough of you criticising my parenting. Stop already.

Ah… yet another criticism of me. Lovely.

You need to bite back. She’s a bitch.

She sounds like a judgemental twat op and I would ignore her. I always think a 'Good for you' in a kindly, 'oh isn't it sweet that you've got all these good ideas that you think will work' kind of voice, is a good response to shut someone like that down.

Urgh I hate this type of behaviour, I find it quite manipulative. Last time this happened to me the person in question was a colleague and was fucking vile to me, undermined me, escalated weird and horrible bitchy behaviour - and yet absolutely praised me to high heaven to your manager, other colleagues etc. Like OTT how amazing I am and how much respect they had for me. Which meant when I raised complaints about their behaviour for months I got responses like oh but x thinks you’re amazing, they respect you so much, they really like you, they mean well really. Bullshit, ‘x’ new exactly what they were doing and used that technique to bully people, me especially.

What I learned from that and wish i’d raised at the time was that if someone really does think that highly of you and respects you they would not repeatedly criticise you or put you down or make bitchy comments.

I read once that if a kid has chocolate before they are 5 they are doomed to a life of poverty and addiction whereas children who are sleep trained all become CEOs on 7-figure salaries. 🤔

If her kid is 6mo, she has no idea what she will do! Different strategies work differently for different children. What worked for her sister's child may not work for hers and vice versa.

She sounds terribly judgemental. I don't think it's helpful to spend time with anyone like that. In your shoes, I'd see her less and only with other family (to dilute her) and just nod and smile if she persists in giving advice.

My DSiL and her dh were very critical of how I was bringing up my eldest two eg when I visited MiL I brought baby food in jars which was obviously a no no! They also compared them to soldiers as they had a routine ( quite flexible).Their children are 4 and 7 years younger than my eldest (2 and 6 years younger than my next) and honestly I couldn't believe how they brought them up. Absolutely no discipline, no routine, no bedtime, eating sweets for breakfast etc. In fact MiL had to stay at their home a lot as she couldn't cope with them both together and when she visited she only brought one of them (a different one). She even got a nanny so she only had to take one out at a time as they were really uncontrollable.
They are now adults and the younger one has turned out okay but the older one is still a self centred so and so (now 27). My two soldiers are both married, one has a child, with excellent jobs. I also had two more and all four were /are a pleasure to be around.

I think she is being underhand and bitchy. Every time she says something about her glorious sister’s parenting I’d say “Does she really?” And then change the conversation. It Indicates the slightest element of disbelief and boredom about what she’s saying and effectively undermines it. Say it enough and she might get the hint.

Or you could be more direct and say: “I think parenting is so individual, don’t you? What seems perfect for one family and one child may be utterly miserable for another. Being an instinctive parent, learning to recognise what suits your own child is quite a special skill, I think.

As for her remarks about your mother, I’d say “Yes it’s lovely she’s coming over, although it’s not to help, we just like to spend our free time together.”

Every time she says something about her glorious sister’s parenting I’d say “Does she really?” And then change the conversation.

Exactly. It just gently closes it down can be used on repeat.

This is really great.

I like making jokes in response to PA rudeness.

So her comments about your mom coming over to help would get a ridiculous reply:

”Oh no, she’s not here to help, we’re actually running an international drug cartel. Shhhhh.”

The more patient side of me would say, “Are you struggling? I’m sure mom would be glad to help and so would I, of course.” Then explain that like her, you just enjoy having your mom around for company.

I'd just start saying 'that's nice' to everything like this she says, she should soon stop.

Like in an imitation of Mrs Brown 🤣

Do the Brendan Caroll Mrs Brown response 'that s nice!' and change the subject.

Have conversations with her?

You don't always need to be on the defensive, but put forward your own point of view; kids not in nursery until they were 4? You prefer yours to socialise and learn to develop a diverse group of friends /yes its a shame that no nursery was a forced choice on many due to lockdown.

Encourage the woman to think instead of parroting her sister.

It sounds like she either a) lacks some EQ...sometimes people don't realise the thoughtless comments they make or b) is purposely trying to rile you with these little comparisons. Personally I'd go with a) next time she says something use a gentle voice and explain to her, in the manner of an older school prefect to a year 7, that parenting is really hard, and that there are many ways to do it. No one is sure if they are doing it the "right" way but we are all just trying our best.(and in your head you can punctuate the sentence with "now fuck off")

I wouldn't be bothered by it...weirdly my brothers wife is similar but I can tell you now it doesn't bother me because I know she has a heart of gold and would be there the minute I needed her.

Fight back woman.
"I'm so grateful that my parenting methods have resulted in DC swimming the channel/ running the country...we haven't needed to resort to desperate measures like your poor sister" " I hope she's okay. If she needs any help I'd be happy to give you a few pointers"
Etc.
Don't be bamboozed down. Win the day op

Or ask her at every opportunity what her sister would do in the circumstances? "We were thinking of xyz...what would [insert name] do, do you think?" They'll get the message eventually...

I never made one comment on her parenting style not even when her 9 year old son opened their car door as she was, driving! Or the time she made her ds phone my dh to tell him how badly he had done in his exams!!! ( They don't live in the UK and aren't British)

I agree she’s being a bitch. Even if it’s not deliberate, she clearly thinks her sister’s method are far more superior than yours.

I’d just take the piss every time. ‘Oh look, watch out, if we don’t do what perfect mother Sarah does our kids will be delinquent!’ ‘Oh God I forgot that Sarah’s kids are perfect and ours are bit rubbish.’ ‘Oh goody, more of Sarah’s perfect parenting tips because I’m crap.’ And so on and so on…

These people don’t stop until you really spell it out how patronising and irksome you find it. She might get a bit pissed off - but good. It might stop her doing it.

I had a friend that started doing this when we had babies at the same time. It was weird because she had always been such a chilled out person but she became quite snarky & I felt like she was competing with me suddenly. SIL might be a bit insecure about her parenting I guess & maybe she feels slightly inferior to her sister but puts her on a pedestal? No idea but it’s bloody annoying. I agree with everyone else- grey rock or find a way of letting her know you won’t engage. With my friend I used to sort of joke about being incompetent & she gave up eventually. Also she then had a second child who was more of a handful!

Tilt your head and go 'awwwww' with a faux 'that's sooooooo cuuutttee' expression. (🥹🥹🥹this one.) at EVERY stupid comment she says. Then immediately follow with something completely unrelated. Every time.

Laugh it off, if that doesn’t work add in “oh go on then what does your sister say?!” and laugh and wink.

why can’t people let people have their own thoughts and opinions, of course discuss ideas but each to their own. I can’t abide people that think they know it all.

or play the long game and wait till their kids grow up…

There are many people like her and those thinly veiled criticisms get old fast. You've been very patient @mummypie17

I think it's ideal not to tell her much, especially about controversial/comparison topics - though sounds like she can turn any topic into one! I'd also in a serious tone say something that nips the conversation in the bud and do that as often as needed 'we aren't playing the comparison game here' repeat, repeat, repeat. And have some distance. Things like this can blow up, so a bit of distance is a good thing.