Punching boy at school

[BackAgain2023]

Looking for some advice... there's a boy in 6yo DS class who keeps hitting him (and another couple of children) and calling him names. It's been going on off and on since the start of the year. DS tells the teacher each time and has been trying to stay away from him. Previously the teachers had been encouraging everyone to include him but I've given DS permission to not play with him as he won't stop hitting him.
I know the child and his parents well unfortunately so it's quite awkward. I've spoken to the school and I don't feel they're taking it seriously tbh.
DS friends parents have given their wee boy permission to now punch the boy back and they'll deal with any trouble from the school. My husband thinks we should tell DS to do the same thing and that it's just self defence and if the school won't do anything then DS needs to protect himself.
It feels so wrong telling my child to punch someone but maybe this is the only way the boy will leave him alone?
For further info, the boy has no known special needs but has a bit of a chaotic household and siblings with special needs. He seems like a very angry child which is sad but I need to protect my child from being assaulted on a near daily basis.

Definitely tell him to hit back . Bullies prey on the weak

I wouldn't say punch him, but tell him it's ok to firmly shove the child away from him while shouting STOP HITTING ME.

Tell him to push him (arms straight out) and scream 'stop it xxxx' very very loudly, every single time

What contact have you had with the school? Have you been in to see them and talked about what has been going on?

You can start a complaints procedure with the school if they aren't dealing with the issue.

If they won't deal with it you may have to look at moving schools.

That's what my husband thinks. It's so hard to go against the "don't hit back, tell a teacher" but the teachers aren't doing anything! Maybe we need to teach DS how to punch properly, he has been going to karate so that might help. DS is really quite a resilient wee thing but it's beginning to grind him down.

Btw at the age of 6 I wouldn't consider it bullying, especially as it sounds as if this child is not targeting anyone but clearly has some issues. However he is more likely to learn from a firm shove from a peer than from lots of talking.

Yes, tell him to hit back and defend himself. Like most bullies, he’s preying on the kids who he doesn’t think will turn on him.

Maybe we need to teach DS how to punch properly

No, I don't agree. In my experience teaching 6 year old to punch never ends well. Just a good push back and a loud voice should be fine at this age.

Ive taught my kids to put their arms out and shout "STOP! You're hurting me. I dont like this." Very clear direct language

I would also advise them to stay away and not play.

At the age of 6 no I wouldn't advise my kids to hit back.

I've sent an email and spoken about it on the phone. We're definitely not moving schools, it's an excellent school otherwise and only 5 minute walk from our house. DS also has some wonderful, lovely friends there. I don't think it's very easy to move schools here, you're expected to attend your catchment school. There's only a week left of term, Im hoping it won't continue next year.
will look into the school complaints procedure.

I'd go with this.

I think it would be more effective than punching back and less likely to cause trouble.

Definitely this - draws attention to it (hopefully from a teacher who will do something) and is totally defensive rather than offensive.

I think there's a big difference between telling your child to punch another child and telling your child that it is okay to defend himself if no one else is doing anything.

So, encourage him to shout, "STOP HITTING ME" every single time (and if he tells you that the school says they're not allowed to shout, assure him that if the teachers have an issue with it you will come and talk to them). then, if that doesn't help, then absolutely, if he is punched he can shout and then push the other boy away. And again, tell him you will absolutely come and support him if he gets in trouble.

To my endless regret, I did not take this sort of thing seriously enough at primary school with Ds and I think he got bullied a lot and then retaliated in a way that meant HE got into trouble eg by sidling up to the child and purposefully shoving him... 30 minutes later. Don't be me.

Me and my sisters were always told when growing up not to be anyone's punch bag. My dad drummed it into us not to ever let anyone hit us and to hit them straight back/push them away etc not tolerate it from the start otherwise if they do it once they'll keep doing it again and again. We were clearly told NEVER EVER to bully/hit first but to ALWAYS hit back/defend ourselves to prevent being bullied.
I now have my own 3 DC (ages 4, 2 and 5 months so not school age yet but DD 4 year old will be starting school in September) and I will absolutely tell them the same as my dad told me.

TheYearOfSmallThings · Today 10:49
I wouldn't say punch him, but tell him it's ok to firmly shove the child away from him while shouting STOP HITTING ME.”

This and tell a teacher every single time it happens.

i have told him to shout "don't hit me!" - maybe the pushing away is a better first step.
DS is worried about getting into trouble so I don't think he's even been doing the shouting thing but I'll drum it into him that I've told the teachers he's allowed to shout when someone hits him

Op, the child who is giving your child a hard time sounds very similar to one of my nephews. I feel desperately sorry for the other families and children in his class. Nephew has a tough time at home with a complicated break up situation between his parents, he probably has some additional needs as well that are being ignored by his parents for their own reasons and as a result, he is often unbearable to be around.

From experience, I can tell you that your child pushing back and saying "NO" very firmly will be 5000x more effective than your child attempting to get the teacher to intervene - not least because the teacher is probably also trying to support this child and not be coming down on him constantly when his life is already pretty chaotic.

The teachers are definitely treading very softly with disciplining the boy. The kids all say he's allowed to do what he wants. It's a hard situation for the school. I wish they could have a one to one to monitor him and stop the hitting before it happens.
I think the pushing away and shouting "don't hit me!" Is going to be the best course of action. Will practice with ds later.

I was bullied for years in primary. Ended up pinning my bully in last year of primary by the throat against the wall. Deputy took me to her room, gave me a hot chocolate and a biscuit and a cuddle - didn't say a word. My mum came, picked me up and gave me a cuddle and told me she was sorry that she hadn't taken it more seriously and that standing up for myself was the way to move forward

I had this situation when DS was around the same age. I was called into school where it was explained that DS had been hit several times but that the boy's parents had been told and he would be punished. It happened again and DS never responded. I told the teacher that DS would only take so much. DS was much bigger than the other child. Around a week later DS did punch the child back and hurt him. They couldn't punish DS because both the parents and school had had their opportunities to stop this little bully. He never touched DS again.

Yes, I feel the same about nephew. But it's sadly not practical. I'm pretty sure the teachers are tearing their hair out.

Also, if your DS is interested, look around for a martial arts class. You have to suss them out, but the one our children attended included quite a lot of self defence and practice for things like this. So, for example, they used to practice pushing someone's hand away while shouting, "don't touch me!!!". Then I'd tell DD to use that on nephew if he touched her....

We had the same with oldest DS. 1 boy would do the same as you described to numerous boys. Punch, kick etc etc. In the end we said just do it back and i went into school and told the teachers this is what we had given our son permission to do and not bother me if it happens.
The other boy if he behaved during a lunch was then given special play time in the afternoon! Mind boggling that schools see this as the way to deal with bad behaviour.

I know what you mean. I'm all for positive reinforcement but this boy gets certificates and cake with the headteacher often. That's very confusing for the other kids. DS behaves well, is kind and polite (I've been told this by teachers) and receives no acknowledgment.

I'd suggest you ask for a meeting with the headteacher and class teacher, including next year's teacher, plus the governor with responsibility for safeguarding. Tell them you would like the agenda to be how they are going to keep your child safe in school. Go into the meeting armed with the school's anti-bullying policy and discipline policy, and check through them beforehand so you can ask questions about what exactly they are doing to implement those policies. Say that you want to come out of that meeting with a plan in place that will ensure, so far as is reasonably possible, that this child will never attack yours again. The plan should include details of who your child contacts if he is attacked and how that information will be shared and acted on.; also who you should contact if you have concerns.

During the meeting, take notes - or ideally have someone with you to take notes. Afterwards, write up your own minutes and send them to the school: the minutes should again record exactly what the action plan is to keep your child safe, and who will be responsible for which parts of that plan.

My DS (asd) had this when he was about 8. Boy in his class would repeatedly kick him in the back during floor time. DS would move away, boy would follow and continue. One day DS just had enough, turned around and punched him in the face. When I was told I backed DS all the way. Boy never did it again. Problem solved. DS is now late teens and the most gentle soul, has never ever hit again or even had an argument. Everyone has their breaking point.