Punching boy at school

[BackAgain2023]

Looking for some advice... there's a boy in 6yo DS class who keeps hitting him (and another couple of children) and calling him names. It's been going on off and on since the start of the year. DS tells the teacher each time and has been trying to stay away from him. Previously the teachers had been encouraging everyone to include him but I've given DS permission to not play with him as he won't stop hitting him.
I know the child and his parents well unfortunately so it's quite awkward. I've spoken to the school and I don't feel they're taking it seriously tbh.
DS friends parents have given their wee boy permission to now punch the boy back and they'll deal with any trouble from the school. My husband thinks we should tell DS to do the same thing and that it's just self defence and if the school won't do anything then DS needs to protect himself.
It feels so wrong telling my child to punch someone but maybe this is the only way the boy will leave him alone?
For further info, the boy has no known special needs but has a bit of a chaotic household and siblings with special needs. He seems like a very angry child which is sad but I need to protect my child from being assaulted on a near daily basis.

Schools here don't have governors but there will be someone in charge of safeguarding. I'm not sure where I'd get a hold of their bullying and discipline policies, I'd have to ask the school for them.
This does sound like a way to get the school to take it seriously. There's only a week left of the year but I will look at doing this if the hitting continues in august.

Everyone definitely has a breaking point. I think unfortunately DS is like me and blames himself for things and worries about people thinking badly of him. I'm not very good at sticking up for myself and therefore don't seem to be very good at sticking up for my kids. I must do better though.
we expect children to put up with far more than the average adult would.

There's a similar boy in my son's class. I've told my son to hit him back and I told him teachers I said that (they were not impressed).

My son won't, though, and it's still happening.

it breaks my heart to see my son so upset after getting kicked and punched yet again.

Another one here saying fight back. It’s the only way. I was bullied when I was at secondary by a girl and it stopped completely the day I stood up to her. (She even apologised drunkenly a few months later, stupid cow)

It's horrible, I hope it resolves for your DS.

Are you in Scotland? No idea about the system there, but in England those policies have to be easily available to parents and are normally on the school websites. That's a good starting point. If they aren't there, just ask the school to send you copies.

We were in the same boat, and like another PP I told the school I was fed up with them ignoring the problem and had told my DS he had my permission to fight back. It had gone on for a year and escalated during a school trip.

The bullying stopped the day DS shoved him hard enough to push him over and shouted at him.

@BackAgain2023 IDK if this will help but we did self defence practice at home, and I had DS practice shoving a pillow and shouting 'no' while I held it. It turned out to be a good way to help him let off steam as well.

I had one of these in primary too. She bullied me mercilessly. In the end my Mum told me to just 'thump her' the next time she tried to hit me, so I did exactly that.
I think it was the first time anyone had stood up to her and the look of absolute shock on her face is something I remember to this day. It was absolutely worth the lunch break I spent by the wall as punishment.

Weirdly we became friends after that. Still see her now from time to time. Neither of us have ever mentioned it again though and it's been 30 odd years 😂

Thank you everyone, I've had a lot of good advice here.
I think it's basically unanimous that DS must do something more than telling the teacher but hopefully a shove and a loud shout will do it rather than punching. I'm not sure if I could get DS to punch him anyway, he'd likely be more comfortable pushing away.
And I maybe need to do more next year officially with the school. Will try to find my big girl pants before august.

Absolutely tell him to punch back, it's the only way to deal with bullies.

We had this when my son was in yr2. Same child was constantly pushing and punching him, grabbing him from behind by his arms, pinning him up againest walls etc. School did absolutely nothing. Our advice was to just hit him back, and enforcing the fact that he can defend himself.
One day the boy grabbed our son from behind by his arms and son threw his head back into the boys mouth. That was the end of it, literally. Never laid a finger on him again.

I really feel for your DS, it's so hard. Sometimes being told to fight back is quite ominous and scary for a young child - they don't know how, they're scared of repercussions, etc. So I agree with PP about you practising at home. Tell him exactly what steps to take and in what order.

Tell him to push in the centre of the body (not shoulders) with both hands, arms outstretched, and take a big step forward while he does so. As soon as other child is at least a foot away or on the floor, tell your son to step back and regain his footing, in case the boy comes back at him and he needs to do it again. Afterwards he should go to a teacher and explain what happened.

Best of luck to him and you.

I'm not sure if I could get DS to punch him anyway, he'd likely be more comfortable pushing away.

If he's hesitant to use force that tip above about practicing at home with a pillow might help. If he can push you or your husband backwards a hundred times the movement will be familiar when he needs it, and it needs to be a nice strong push.

Yes, we're definitely going to practice as of today. He also goes to karate so I think that's quite helpful. DS is a confident, popular and playful boy, you definitely wouldn't describe him as timid or quiet but physically he's very gentle and gets upset if he even hurts someone by accident.

I really hope you get it resolved, OP. It's horrible any child has to put up with this shit.

Will you let me know if anything works for your son, please?

Thank you. I'll try to remember to come back to the thread in august with an update.
Will also let you know if DS friend ends up punching the boy on the nose! 🙊

Don't even have to call it a push. Just describe it as moving boy put of his personal space. If your dc is rule adherent talk about and practise mainting personal space. Get him to practise with you

I like that. We've spoken about personal space before and that people shouldn't touch others without consent. He's very good at asking a friend if they want to hold hands or play tag instead of just physically instigating it so the 'pushing' thing is just an extension of enforcing your own personal space which he knows is ok. That will be easy for him to understand.

I think if it's this much of a problem then you need to go into school and see them. Note just over the phone. Even if you have to take time off to do it. Schools seem to take more notice/action if you do this. They realise it's more of a problem if you insist on seeing them.

I was quite a mild mannered bookish child.

My dad told me if I was bullied, it was OK to hit back. I did. Never got bullied again; that was the end of that.

This. He will continue to be a bully until he's getting it back too. School is clearly failing in dealing with him, but that doesn't mean the kids need to accept it.

Yes. Tell him to lump him one on the nose.

Let's be honest hes 6 . Hes not really going to hurt the boy badly . But it will make home think twice about doing it again

My son sounds just like this boy, my son does have sen (that doesn't make it ok I know).
Can I just say how incredibly hard it is to get an EHCP and my sons school is trying there hardest to fight to get him one so he can have a one to one.
It's so hard because I know some parents probably feel like you and I don't blame them tbh.
We do everything we possibly can but he is nearly 9 with an emotional mind of a 3 year old.

Shouting and pushing back sounds like a good way to go forward, this way it's very clear language that most children can understand.