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Original poster

Punching boy at school

114 replies

BackAgain2023 · 21/06/2023 10:46

Looking for some advice... there's a boy in 6yo DS class who keeps hitting him (and another couple of children) and calling him names. It's been going on off and on since the start of the year. DS tells the teacher each time and has been trying to stay away from him. Previously the teachers had been encouraging everyone to include him but I've given DS permission to not play with him as he won't stop hitting him.
I know the child and his parents well unfortunately so it's quite awkward. I've spoken to the school and I don't feel they're taking it seriously tbh.
DS friends parents have given their wee boy permission to now punch the boy back and they'll deal with any trouble from the school. My husband thinks we should tell DS to do the same thing and that it's just self defence and if the school won't do anything then DS needs to protect himself.
It feels so wrong telling my child to punch someone but maybe this is the only way the boy will leave him alone?
For further info, the boy has no known special needs but has a bit of a chaotic household and siblings with special needs. He seems like a very angry child which is sad but I need to protect my child from being assaulted on a near daily basis.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 21/06/2023 16:14

How appalling that your 6yr old child is facing violence and bullying at school. The violent bully needs excluding from the school. Write to the school that they are well aware that your child has been hurt by this bully and is suffering stress from the constant threat of violence. Say that, until the school takes action to remove this violent child, that your child will remain in safety at home. The bully’s parents can pay for your babysitting costs.

M340 · 21/06/2023 17:40

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/06/2023 10:49

I wouldn't say punch him, but tell him it's ok to firmly shove the child away from him while shouting STOP HITTING ME.

From experience, this just initiates a scrap. A shove isn't the same as a punch.

The poor boy being hit will push back which will give the bullies green light to hit even more and OPs son will get hurt.

Again, from experience, hitting back does help. Your son is well within his rights to defend himself. Poor thing. I hope it resolves and well done for speaking up for him!

EvilElsa · 21/06/2023 17:47

Good DOES sometimes come from hitting back though. It's a lesson for both the bully and the victim. The confidence to stand up for yourself and for the bully the shock that what they are doing to someone else hurts and isn't acceptable and that actions have consequences...and I don't mean getting a feeble telling off by a parent. It's a short sharp shock. In my DS case, DS and the bully were actually OK afterwards. I wouldn't say best friends but certainly got along. Had DS not stood up for himself who knows how long he would have been miserable at school as the bully had absolutely no fear of being told off by his mum at all. Luckily now grown up he's a nice lad!

AllyCart · 21/06/2023 18:08

SoupDragon · 21/06/2023 14:57

Teaching them to hit back is reinforcing that hitting someone is OK.

Pushing them away and shouting is a better option and absolutely doesn't teach them that the bully is more important and it isn't "appeasing" the bully.

no good ever comes from hitting someone.

Show quote history

On the contrary. Hitting a violent bully is the best way to deal with them.

Do you not care about the long term effects on the victim's mental state from repeated bullying? There are so many adults out there whose whole lives have been blighted by childhood bullying which completely ruined their confidence and mental health.

I will bet you any amount that there are far, far more people out there who dearly wish they'd been encouraged to fight back against childhood bullies than who wish they hadn't.

ArseMenagerie · 21/06/2023 18:19

Find the responses on this thread insane.
The school have a responsibility to keep your DS safe. They are not doing that if he is getting hit.
so, we often have it that in the general push and pull of a cloakroom or when lining up for example, kids get shoved about and hit by children who have been/feel trampled. It’s daily and I’m not talking ‘hit’ like an adult hit but rather a mild shove to get space. Some kids go straight to their parent and say ‘X hit me’ and it will have been so minor but for the listening parent it sounds like a big deal. They act interested so the kid makes sure to tell the parent every single time - neglecting their own part in it or their part in other issues in the day. They are six. There are lots of things that happen. Saying your son can hit back is inviting a whole world of trouble and is Neanderthal behaviour breeding angry men and boys who can’t negotiate and can’t prevent their emotions flaring. Talk to the school! Get some proper and realistic perspective. If this child is a danger then you make it clear he is a risk and you expect a plan to make sure your son is kept safe. Tell you son to keep away from this boy. To say he has permission is wrong imo. Either hitting is wrong or it isn’t. Which is it?

Mallory18 · 21/06/2023 18:41

I’m a teacher and I’d be telling my DS to punch him back! Especially given the fact you’ve given school ample opportunity to resolve this. The fact they haven’t is worrying (unless the child has SEN and they’re trying to put alternative provision in place behind the scenes - although they should still have put measures in place to safeguard the rest of the children!)

tothelefttotheleft · 21/06/2023 18:48

takealettermsjones · 21/06/2023 12:16

I really feel for your DS, it's so hard. Sometimes being told to fight back is quite ominous and scary for a young child - they don't know how, they're scared of repercussions, etc. So I agree with PP about you practising at home. Tell him exactly what steps to take and in what order.

Tell him to push in the centre of the body (not shoulders) with both hands, arms outstretched, and take a big step forward while he does so. As soon as other child is at least a foot away or on the floor, tell your son to step back and regain his footing, in case the boy comes back at him and he needs to do it again. Afterwards he should go to a teacher and explain what happened.

Best of luck to him and you.

What if the child falls and hits their head?

itsgettingweird · 21/06/2023 18:53

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2023 10:50

Tell him to push him (arms straight out) and scream 'stop it xxxx' very very loudly, every single time

This is what I told my ds to do.

The first time he did it to the child that hurt him at least once daily I got a phone call from the school.

"Ds shoved child X today"

"Did he shout stop it at the same time?"

"Yes"

"Have you not wondered why he was pushing a child away from him and shouting stop?"

"We don't accept hitting in this school"

"Well clearly you do as you've not stopped child X hitting my ds for the past 6 months. So now he'll not only stop him personally by pushing him away he'll shout loud enough to draw your attention to him being assaulted so you can deal with the pupil hitting him - as you e just said yourself you don't tolerate it. Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

From the following week that kid never touched ds again. They were best friends 3 months later and turned out he was a great kid - just one who no one ever bothered to teach boundaries and social skills too.

12 years later they are still mates!

Greycheck · 21/06/2023 18:55

Hitting back was the only thing that stopped my daughter's bully when she was 8 as the school seemed incapable of dealing with it.

BackAgainstWall · 21/06/2023 18:58

Next time get your DS to hit him as hard as he can. (I know that’s very difficult if your DS is a gentle soul).
He’ll never go near your DS again.

Horrible situation.

takealettermsjones · 21/06/2023 19:40

tothelefttotheleft · 21/06/2023 18:48

What if the child falls and hits their head?

Show quote history

What if the OP's child falls and hits their head after being thumped?

There's nothing wrong with physically defending yourself if all else has failed.

Sheepshop · 21/06/2023 19:49

ButterCrackers · 21/06/2023 16:14

How appalling that your 6yr old child is facing violence and bullying at school. The violent bully needs excluding from the school. Write to the school that they are well aware that your child has been hurt by this bully and is suffering stress from the constant threat of violence. Say that, until the school takes action to remove this violent child, that your child will remain in safety at home. The bully’s parents can pay for your babysitting costs.

Scottish schools though. All of the legal power is in the hands of the bully. The victim and the school can do nothing whatsoever about it. This is the country where a rapist got away without a prison sentence cause he was under 25 so could comprehend his crime. It is really warped here.

topnoddy · 21/06/2023 20:05

I was bullied for a few months towards the end of primary school , one day i flipped and smacked him in the mouth , right hook resulting in 2 teeth missing and no one bothered me again .

It was a fair few years ago mind

strawberry2017 · 21/06/2023 20:42

If your friendly with the parents then you need to speak to them. I get it's awkward but your son comes first and you need to tell them it needs sorting otherwise you will be telling your son to steer clear of him.

Original poster
BackAgain2023 · 21/06/2023 22:33

strawberry2017 · 21/06/2023 20:42

If your friendly with the parents then you need to speak to them. I get it's awkward but your son comes first and you need to tell them it needs sorting otherwise you will be telling your son to steer clear of him.

Theres honestly no point in speaking to them. They know he hits kids. It's very chaotic, I won't go into detail but they won't / can't do anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackAgain2023 · 21/06/2023 22:35

I have already told DS he's to stay away from him.
The boy kicked DS again today and really hurt another boy.
we practiced him pushing me away and shouting. We'll keep practicing every day.

OP posts:
Soapyspuds · 21/06/2023 23:11

we practiced him pushing me away and shouting. We'll keep practicing every day

Sorry but pushing is not effective. It is neither a surprise or painful and as somebody above said can result in a scrap.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 21/06/2023 23:28

This happened to my son a few years ago. A boy kept kicking him on purpose when playing football. I told him next time push him to the ground. He did and it stopped immediately. They're mates now.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 21/06/2023 23:28

This happened to my son a few years ago. A boy kept kicking him on purpose when playing football. I told him next time push him to the ground. He did and it stopped immediately. They're mates now.

PimmsandCucumbers · 21/06/2023 23:33

You need to escalate this!

Teacher, Deputy Head, Head and if no joy the Board of Governors and everything else. Communicate formally in writing, get back up. Be all over it.

I don’t think telling a kid to hit back is the answer, although in self defence I wouldn’t blame you or a kid but in reality this isn’t the way to sort it. By its very nature aggression is chaotic and causes harm - so he could end up being punched back or god knows.

PimmsandCucumbers · 21/06/2023 23:34

Just read your last update - if the school can’t/won’t - you honestly need to change schools.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 21/06/2023 23:36

SoupDragon · 21/06/2023 14:57

Teaching them to hit back is reinforcing that hitting someone is OK.

Pushing them away and shouting is a better option and absolutely doesn't teach them that the bully is more important and it isn't "appeasing" the bully.

no good ever comes from hitting someone.

Show quote history

I think many PPs on this thread would disagree. Me included.

SoShallINever · 21/06/2023 23:42

AllyCart · 21/06/2023 18:08

On the contrary. Hitting a violent bully is the best way to deal with them.

Do you not care about the long term effects on the victim's mental state from repeated bullying? There are so many adults out there whose whole lives have been blighted by childhood bullying which completely ruined their confidence and mental health.

I will bet you any amount that there are far, far more people out there who dearly wish they'd been encouraged to fight back against childhood bullies than who wish they hadn't.

Show quote history

No, no, no, please be very careful with this approach.
After years of bullying , one of my DS's thumped the bully in the head and literally nearly killed him. It is easy to cause horrific injury by punching someone.
I think the right thing to do is to shout loudly and push them away.

SlippySarah · 21/06/2023 23:46

My DS was punched hard on a few occasions by the same boy in year 2. DS is quite small and this other boy was a bit of a thug overall. Each time I came down hard on the school - speaking to the teacher, sending emails, demanding that my son was kept safe in school. Threatening to report to ofsted as a safeguarding concern. On one of the occasions he split my sons lip. The school took it seriously and it stopped.

Didicat · 21/06/2023 23:48

We’ve had similar and the way to get the teachers/TA any adults notice is to touch that safeguarding butto in their heads. No need to shout but need to be a clear direct loud voice - “Stop It, Don’t touch me, I don’t like it » you need a phrase that gets the teacher to spin round and draw attention to that child. Normally children do not want an adults negative attention- but the teachers capturing the moment rather than a he said she said is so much more powerful.