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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your dh called your ds the C word?

104 replies

HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:26

My ds is 18 and very sweet but quite scatty. He has adhd and can be very forgetful, even for a teenager.
Recently he forgot a couple of family members birthdays and was given some money to buy something, which he then forgot to do. He did eventually give the money back and apologised.
My ds was furious and called him the C word in front of me and our daughter (she's 20) he then sent him a stream of texts saying if he carries on he's out the house.
Now, I understand him being angry to an extent, but I think calling him the c word is a step too far. My daughter agrees, but what do you think?

OP posts:
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 20/06/2023 15:27

I mean is it the first time in 18 years?

None of us are perfect.

CurlewKate · 20/06/2023 15:28

That would be unforgivable for me.

Iridescentsy · 20/06/2023 15:29

is he his real dad?

TequilaQueen · 20/06/2023 15:30

That's awful- threats to kick him out and swearing over forgetfulness. Yes it's annoying but worthy of a reminder, not dropping the C bomb and saying he'll lose his home. Does your DH have form for this? Definitely not normal.

Apricotflanday · 20/06/2023 15:30

It's abusive and shocking.

wutheringkites · 20/06/2023 15:30

How does your son feel about it?

FourTeaFallOut · 20/06/2023 15:31

I'd be fucking wild with him unilaterally threatening to kick him out of the home over some missed presents.

Original poster
HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:34

He is his real dad. I've always felt he treated our son differently to our daughter. He's not used that word to him before so I was pretty shocked. It's really upset me tbh. I just told him I'm upset and he got angry again and said "well he is a c*" but he's really not. He's very good hearted but not organised and having some mental health problems recently due to breaking up with his long term girlfriend. I'm so worried about him

OP posts:
Original poster
HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:37

He's upset. This happened last night and he was going to go to sleep at a friends house but I told him to stay. He left early for college this morning. He never cries much or gets angry in any way so it's hard to judge how he really feels. I noticed his hands were shaking last night and he didn't eat.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 20/06/2023 15:38

Yes, ADHD is a disability impacting on his ability to do these tasks. He hadn't spent the money elsewhere, he's wrapped up in his own problems, there's a reason why poor mental health is associated with ND conditions and a large part is being made to feel inadequate. He needs to grow up and learn (your dh) he seems to have poor impulse control himself, what a shame he hasn't got empathy for your sons mistakes but merrily goes through his without contrition (unlike your son who apologised).

ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 20/06/2023 15:39

I think that's waaaaaaaaay too far.

Rafferty10 · 20/06/2023 15:39

I would leave over this, he is not a decent man. Your son did not do anything terrible and your partner has no right to threaten him with being kicked out

TequilaQueen · 20/06/2023 15:44

Your poor son. Your husband has serious anger issues- I notice he got angry at you as well when you spoke about it. Has he ever been physically abusive?

I'd be making plans to split and doing all you can to reassure your son.

CecilyP · 20/06/2023 15:44

That is absolutely outrageous behaviour by your DH. It’s a bit of an ask for a teenager to buy presents for relatives. I’m sure the relatives would be more horrified for your DS to be sworn at than to not receive cards or presents. We’ve all got too much tat as it is but to be pleasant to people, including one’s own children, costs nothing.

CecilyP · 20/06/2023 15:46

HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:37

He's upset. This happened last night and he was going to go to sleep at a friends house but I told him to stay. He left early for college this morning. He never cries much or gets angry in any way so it's hard to judge how he really feels. I noticed his hands were shaking last night and he didn't eat.

OMG, that is so sad!

XiCi · 20/06/2023 15:49

Your DH is an absolute disgrace. My dd has ADHD and my heart breaks at the thought of anyone treating her like this. Your poor son, I can only imagine what he was feeling after getting that sort of abuse.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/06/2023 15:51

Op, I notice that you seem like an entirely passive observer in this whole sorry mess. Your only action was to tell your dh that you were sad and, for that, you got a barrel full. Are you scared of him?

53andABitPodgy · 20/06/2023 15:54

I think it’s your DH who is the c*nt TBH.

bumblebee2235 · 20/06/2023 15:54

My partner has said less and I've gone for him! When it comes to my child I become like a woman possessed if I feel their emotional or physical well-being is threatened. I'm surprised you didn't bite his head off! I'd kick him out over threats of that to my child. I'd say sure maybe you need time apart to grow up...DH pack your things.

Original poster
HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:55

He's not physically abusive but does have a temper and can be controlling. I think if he calmed down after and apologised it's wouldn't be as bad, but he just doubles down.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelgaHufflepuff76 · 20/06/2023 15:56

And yes, to be honest I am scared of him. He's never hit me but I still am

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 20/06/2023 16:01

Gosh the more you post the more horrible he sounds.

And I have to say, saying your son is “out of the house” if he forgets something else is absolutely brutal and unforgivable.
I’d be telling your H he’s out the house!
You’re scared of him and I expect your Dc are too! That’s no way to live.

FabFitFifties · 20/06/2023 16:02

He needs to take a look in the mirror.

XiCi · 20/06/2023 16:02

You must realise that people with ADHD are really prone to anxiety together with overthinking and fear of rejection. He's already dealing with a relationship breakdown. Imagine what your DS is going through after this episode, verbal abuse that has left him sat shaking and for something blown completely out of proportion. I get that you are scared of him but you need to protect your children

Ponoka7 · 20/06/2023 16:02

It is unacceptable and you shouldn't live with a man you are scared of. On a different note it sounds as though your son still needs help with some things. I was organising this sort of stuff with two of my children who have additional needs. It took my eldest who has ADHD till her late 20's to get better organised. It took lots of losing her keys/phone/forgetting important things and breaking stuff. You've obviously minimised and ignored other behaviour from your husband. You need a good, long think about your and your son's future.