How would you feel if your dh called your ds the C word?

[HelgaHufflepuff76]

My ds is 18 and very sweet but quite scatty. He has adhd and can be very forgetful, even for a teenager.
Recently he forgot a couple of family members birthdays and was given some money to buy something, which he then forgot to do. He did eventually give the money back and apologised.
My ds was furious and called him the C word in front of me and our daughter (she's 20) he then sent him a stream of texts saying if he carries on he's out the house.
Now, I understand him being angry to an extent, but I think calling him the c word is a step too far. My daughter agrees, but what do you think?

What an awful man. Sounds like a way over the top reaction. I feel sorry for your son.

I probably should've said earlier but my husband has ADHD too. He blames a lot of his actions on it and I've tried to support him because of this. He was also physically abused as a child by his stepfather. I know it's not an excuse.

No it doesn't

He's an abusive bully

Your poor son

OP, maybe take some time to think about all this. People (inc me) are telling you how serious it is and that’s hard to hear and it’s natural to feel defensive. Might be an idea to spend some time thinking about what it is you actually want for your son and for yourself.

You typing all this out after people have pointed out how awful he is suggests you do think it is an excuse for the behaviour.

He's not like that all the time abusers rarely are. That’s the abuse cycle, to ensure it is harder for victims to leave.

Absolutely no need for your DH to be using that sort of abusive language to your dc. Especially over something so trivial. Your DH sounds unecessesarily angry and nasty and needs to sort this out. Not someone I could live with tbh.

We don't use that type of language period, never mind saying it to your son. I don't know what I would do, you must have differant outlook than me so not sure you would do what I would do. I think if you don't want to leave him that he would maybe need anger management or some sort of professional to teach how to express his frustration and anger in a productive way.

OP I'm not being flippant here. tell DH that from now on he buys all the cards and presents for his family. Because I wouldn't be surprised if he has you doing all that. And if he dares to whine that he'll forget, give him absolute hell.

Your poor son, left shaking and without appetite and feeling god knows what after being treated like that by his own dad. I agree with pp's your DH is the c here. If anyone didn't deserve Father's Day remembering or honouring it's your DH. I bet there's a lot of 18 year olds without ADHD forgetting to do these things, they have a lot going on in their heads, lives and bodies anyway.

Your DH gives your teenage son no leeway for having ADHD but expects everyone else to give it to him and allow him to be abusive because he has it? He's continuing abuse instead of trying to break the cycle.

Oh no, I’m so sad reading this, your poor DS. YANBU that was way out of order from your DP.

It's your husband that's the C*nt!

He sounds like a bully; and you’ve all been under his control for years. It’s obviously not ok to call your son a c word but it’s part of a bigger pattern. Can you call women’s aid when he’s not around to get some support in ending it?

Absolutely this. I hope you havent been buying gifts and cards for his family and friends anyway as your married, not his assistanth. But if you have, stop.

No I haven't been buying all the cards and presents for people. He's actually very good at that sort of thing, much better than me, which is why he places so much importance on it and why he was angry. I don't feel that way about cards and stuff. It doesn't bother me too much if someone forgets my birthday or Mother's Day. I think the way dh sees it is that if someone doesn't acknowledge your birthday it's an indication that you are irrelevant to that person. Whereas I just assume the person forgot and that it's nothing personal

That is an awful and abusive thing to say.

I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who treated my child this way.

"I think the way dh sees it is that if someone doesn't acknowledge your birthday it's an indication that you are irrelevant to that person"

And the way I see it, is that if your DH would call your DS a cunt over something so trivial, it's an indication how irrelevant your son's happiness is to him.

I'd feel like a divorced single parent of a sweet 18 year old son, happy in the knowledge that I'd protected him from disrespect, insult and abuse by removing us both from the source.

You really are excusing your bully abusive husband, abusing your son.

That poor son.

What a life it sounds he has at the hands of that disgusting man.

Your son will hopefully grow up and in his 20's he will join the dots and wonder why his mother stood by and allowed him to be so abused, by his nasty vicious, angry father.

You are most definitely putting yourself ahead of your son.

Please protect your son - do the right thing for you and your family. Your son may even suffer PTSD as a result of being threatened with eviction for the family home.

What happens when another generation becomes abusive like your dh and his sf, because the chain has not been broken? You need to make your children's home abuse free.

Sadly it appears the OP isn't prepared to put her son's mental health and happiness before her own. Luckily it's uncommon, but in some women the maternal instinct just isn't that strong.

So you are going to continue living (and therefore force your son to live with) a man who you are scared of, and who calls him a cunt?

Just a basic level of parenting involves protecting your children against people like your DH.

This thread is really upsetting. That poor boy.

Have you looked up examples of abuse? What it can look like? Or the abuse cycle, showing that abusers are not always abusive?

Could people please stop attacking the OP?

How can it possibly help abuse victims (who very often, as a result of the abuse, already have low self-esteem, are unsure of themselves, lack the confidence to believe they deserve better or to believe they can escape their situation) to blame, criticise and upset them? All it does is reinforce the effects of abuse.