Page 18 | eating food without permission

thecatswhiskrs · 2023-06-20T11:25:03+00:00

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable.... DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first. Examples: - A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered. - A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone. - I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat. He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean. Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

AlfietheSchnauzer · 22/06/2023 01:20

BarbaraofSeville · 20/06/2023 12:39

I'm just waiting for the posters accusing the OP of 'starving the poor man in his own home', calling her abusive for shouting at him for eating all the food and telling her to 'just buy more food' if there isn't enough for him to eat as much as he wants and there be some left for others too.

Or has the cost of living crisis finally made people realise that few people have the budget to buy endless food to fill greedy selfish people like the OPs DH?

You're the only person saying this

sashh · 22/06/2023 01:29

I was discussing this with my carer yesterday OP, we were brought up in different circumstances, in my home biscuits were basically on tap, in his house every penny counted.

I won't repeat the words he used to describe your DH OP and the cookies he really thought was bad.

There were lots of F and C.

therescoffeeinthatnebula · 22/06/2023 01:35

I grew up in a household where it was understood what was fair game and what was earmarked for a purpose.

My mum did all the cooking, and we knew what things were ingredients, what things were reserved for packed lunches, and what things were fair game.

I suppose the difference is we all respected her, and didn’t want to mess with whatever meal plan she had in her head. We also went shopping together, so I guess we got an inkling from that as why certain foods had been bought.

As for baked goods - what a treat! Because they were special, no one touched them until they were offered. You don’t feast on food that clearly isn’t everyday food without someone inviting you to… even if it’s for you, it’s probably intended to be shared together. Because it’s special.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2023 02:16

Autumnleaves4 · 21/06/2023 23:51

Thoughtless and greedy but he sounds hungry. You need to ask him what sort of snacks he wants to munch on and then keep some for him in the fridge/cupboard. Put them on a certain shelf and make it clear they are his snacks not other peoples food.

And stick a broom up your arse so you can clean the floor at the same time?

He can go to shops. Fuck, he can order snacks online if he wants. He's not a toddler, why would she buy his snacks when he's the one with the issue?

champagnetruffleshuffle · 22/06/2023 02:24

My DH does this sometimes, it drives me bonkers. Eating things planned for packed lunches next day when I've no time to replace them is the worst thing he does. I say he either needs to replace things, put what he wants on the shopping list or get his own snacks.

As for your DH stating he pays for all the food in the kitchen, that's BS and would make me more cross than taking the food! A family is a team. Even if he is the sole breadwinner, it's not 'his' money. It's 2023 fgs...

mandlerparr · 22/06/2023 02:45

MysteryBelle · 22/06/2023 00:12

How have you put up with this despicable behavior for so long? Eating a third (4 or ? How many?) of a batch of cookies straight out of a hot oven left unchaperoned on the worktop…gulping down remnants of his own child’s lunch that said child had silently and mentally earmarked, but sadly left unmarked, for the next day’s lunch…scarfing two slices of freshly cooked bacon from a sizzling pan…Without Permission.

Treason!

He bought the food but he better not say he bought the food. Will trigger false memories of another life chained to the stove that only a well trained pretend psychic can unearth. Raging 50s housewife with frying pan leads the charge and indignant MNers with unlimited bacon budgets from their own 50s husbands follow breathlessly with predictable and highly couth ‘FFS’ replies and other various expletives and buffoonery.

😀

You all act like he committed the crime of the century. Haha. Craziness. Go put your aprons back on and get to work. You all acting like it’s the 1900s and you’re being oppressed by the Cookie Monster. Nutcases.

Those that act like these are the only times that this happened and is not a daily or several times weekly event in their home are hilarious. They obviously just picked the most recent times. And you all act like it is the only time happening.
If they came back and said that someone had made themselves a plate of food, went to grab something, and he took it in that moment-I would 100% believe it. Not only that, but I would bet that it has happened multiple times. Yes, there was probably more food to be made or dished up, but that is not the point. IS IT? The point is being a selfish jerk.
It would never, ever, ever, ever occur to me to eat a sandwich just sitting in my fridge and I am the person who buys and cooks most of the food. And I sure as fuck wouldn't take cookies that my minor child had cooked for themselves. This is not about the OP gatekeeping the food. This is about the AH thinking every single bit of food in the house belongs to them no matter what. Sorry that you can't see it. and while replying to you, this is for all of those with the same or similar posts. you are not alone in this. I don't know why you all have taken offense. You probably grew up in homes where food was scarce due to someone having the exact same behaviour as the OP's AH and instead of seeing that, you just saw the other parent attempting to make sure there was enough food for everyone, but to you that looked like deprivation. Or you had a parent who actually did restrict food and you are projecting. So, you don't actually read what was written, but instead read what you think is happening.

Pallisers · 22/06/2023 02:52

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/06/2023 17:05

Well in our household we do this thing called sharing, so if someone bakes cookies or a cake etc., it's shared and everyone can have some. There's none of this selfish pathetic, "I baked it so it's mine" business. Goodness me, being Irish, I find this whole attitude horrifying. We're culturally very hospitable people and when we bake or cook, we actually get-off on others eating it lol !!

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So if your daughter bakes a birthday cake for her friend and your dh takes a slice out of it before the friend arrives, that's fine. It is sharing.

Your son is getting together with 6 friends and he makes a batch of 12 cookies. Your dh takes 4 of them but that's ok because sharing.

Your daughter makes pasta and carefully puts it in the fridge for her lunch at school the next day. When she wakes up it is gone. But fine because ... sharing.

This is not a case of family sharing out cookies and cakes - we all do that. It is not a case of dh nicking one cookie.

And I'm Irish too.

ChilliHealer · 22/06/2023 03:06

This would absolutely grind my gears. Such selfish behaviour, and the comment that he pays for the food is outrageous. It is family money that pays for the food, and family labour that meal plans, grocery shops and cooks that food (plus all the childcare and home management that enables him to go to work unimpeded and earn that money).

What a twat.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/06/2023 04:33

L3ThirtySeven · 21/06/2023 18:36

You lost me at comparing a family to house mates.

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Where did I say housemates? You have assumed, but I was referring to living with parents and sibling, partner and their children...

I don't see why it makes a difference though! If you share storage space, cooking facilities and food with a bunch of people, how does it work if everyone just helps themselves without considering others?

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 22/06/2023 05:26

Dp is like this with cakes and cookies. Drives me bonkers when I go to ice a cake and dp has scoffed half of it.
I like to get my own back be making dp something he doesn't really like then saying "well I would of made X but someone ate Y to make it and this was all I could whip up"

DifficultBloodyWoman · 22/06/2023 05:34

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 22/06/2023 05:26

Dp is like this with cakes and cookies. Drives me bonkers when I go to ice a cake and dp has scoffed half of it.
I like to get my own back be making dp something he doesn't really like then saying "well I would of made X but someone ate Y to make it and this was all I could whip up"

Good response, I like that!

Freefall212 · 22/06/2023 05:38

It is also a different rot seve up plates and decide that everyone regardless of size or appetite gets the same allotment and serving of food. For us, everyone eats different amounts and has different appetites on different days and we eat family style where people help themselves to food. At the end of a meal, no one should be stuffed or hungry. I always find it odd when I see a cook predetermine how much food others will eat like it’s a specific portion at a restaurant leaving either to overeating or wasting food and to others still being hungry. We either ask making x how many do you want tonight or if it’s a sharing dish we make enough for everyone .

and shouting in anger because someone ate food without permission would not be okay in our house at all. I think this kind of control is what leads to disordered eating in kids when everything is so rationed and controlled and if you take more than a predetermined rationed without permission you will be a shouted at in anger even if you only took it because you were hungry and the allocated ration didn’t fill you. Just not a healthy way to manage food and eating.

MrsMorrisey · 22/06/2023 05:45

^Don't ignore the small things.

Good people don't do this.

Selfish people do.

He's showing you who he is.

He knew well what he was doing, but said fxxk it, and didn't care.

These are the red flags that women reflect upon and wish they had paid attention to.

NOT the cheap words, but the actions.

This is a red flag.

Clever women clock them and don't ignore them.

Hence they avoid have children with the selfish twats that make truly awful long term partners.

YOU have been warned!^

Settle down!!!

Tinybrother · 22/06/2023 06:14

Freefall212 · 22/06/2023 05:38

It is also a different rot seve up plates and decide that everyone regardless of size or appetite gets the same allotment and serving of food. For us, everyone eats different amounts and has different appetites on different days and we eat family style where people help themselves to food. At the end of a meal, no one should be stuffed or hungry. I always find it odd when I see a cook predetermine how much food others will eat like it’s a specific portion at a restaurant leaving either to overeating or wasting food and to others still being hungry. We either ask making x how many do you want tonight or if it’s a sharing dish we make enough for everyone .

and shouting in anger because someone ate food without permission would not be okay in our house at all. I think this kind of control is what leads to disordered eating in kids when everything is so rationed and controlled and if you take more than a predetermined rationed without permission you will be a shouted at in anger even if you only took it because you were hungry and the allocated ration didn’t fill you. Just not a healthy way to manage food and eating.

You realise that the people who do the dishing up portion things are the ones saying “YABU you need to feed him more OP”? The OP said nothing about how she dishes things up. And even with eating “family style” (I have never heard it described that way, I just call it serving in dishes on the table, this is how we eat in our house) you are still making a judgement about how much overall is enough, so you are putting a restriction on what constitutes a “fair share” either way. If someone ate some of the ingredients for it it would reduce the amount of food available for the meal.

if you read the OP there are snacks and bread available. It is normal to allocate some foods for some occasions, in a household with a budget

traytablestowed · 22/06/2023 06:54

Does he have life insurance? If yes, just poison the bacon! If no, then encourage him to take some out, wait a year, and then poison the bacon.

You're welcome 👌

Tinybrother · 22/06/2023 07:02

If you put a lasagne on the table, for five people say, and the first person to serve themselves took half the dish, leaving only small portions for everyone else, would you just say “oh they were hungry and eating according to their appetite”, even if it meant others were going hungry? Why does that person’s appetite get priority in that instance?

and so presumably next time you make more to account for this (assuming you have a decent food budget). You are still ultimately putting a restriction on the amount people can eat by judging overall how much is enough. The idea that there is some kind of unlimited supply of a particular food such that no one is restricted is ridiculous

TreesandFish · 22/06/2023 07:06

What a wanker! I'd be tempted to lace the cookies with a laxative

TaraRhu · 22/06/2023 07:12

Sounds like mine. He treats the kitchen like a 24/7 buffet. Really annoys me. He's several stone overweight and this is why.

MrsMorrisey · 22/06/2023 07:20

TaraRhu · 22/06/2023 07:12

Sounds like mine. He treats the kitchen like a 24/7 buffet. Really annoys me. He's several stone overweight and this is why.

Same here. Annoying isn't it.

Icenii · 22/06/2023 08:34

I am struggling to see how people think it is fine to take a third of cookies which they didn't bake and were still cooling down when there are 4 people in the house, with friends.

Of course people may nick 1, or ask, but a third?

Not surprised the teens hide food if it is constantly disappears. Greed and gluttony is so unattractive.

literalviolence · 22/06/2023 08:58

Freefall212 · 22/06/2023 05:38

It is also a different rot seve up plates and decide that everyone regardless of size or appetite gets the same allotment and serving of food. For us, everyone eats different amounts and has different appetites on different days and we eat family style where people help themselves to food. At the end of a meal, no one should be stuffed or hungry. I always find it odd when I see a cook predetermine how much food others will eat like it’s a specific portion at a restaurant leaving either to overeating or wasting food and to others still being hungry. We either ask making x how many do you want tonight or if it’s a sharing dish we make enough for everyone .

and shouting in anger because someone ate food without permission would not be okay in our house at all. I think this kind of control is what leads to disordered eating in kids when everything is so rationed and controlled and if you take more than a predetermined rationed without permission you will be a shouted at in anger even if you only took it because you were hungry and the allocated ration didn’t fill you. Just not a healthy way to manage food and eating.

So you always make enough to accommodate everyone having their hungrier day on the same day?

Good for you. We can't afford that but if people are still hungry after dinner, they can eat other things.

Marmalayde · 22/06/2023 09:03

If he paid for it all I'm guessing he's taken advantage of your free labour doing all the childcare, cooking and shopping etc for years. I paid for it doesn't wash in a marriage with a family. Especially as he didn't cook it

He's out of order.

I'd be making him make a new packed lunch, have less bacon etc.

And perhaps get a bag of ready bought snacks like nuts, fruit or bread sticks he can attack when hungry like that. My husband is always hungry but he goes for things like that

L3ThirtySeven · 22/06/2023 09:06

Freefall212 · 22/06/2023 05:38

It is also a different rot seve up plates and decide that everyone regardless of size or appetite gets the same allotment and serving of food. For us, everyone eats different amounts and has different appetites on different days and we eat family style where people help themselves to food. At the end of a meal, no one should be stuffed or hungry. I always find it odd when I see a cook predetermine how much food others will eat like it’s a specific portion at a restaurant leaving either to overeating or wasting food and to others still being hungry. We either ask making x how many do you want tonight or if it’s a sharing dish we make enough for everyone .

and shouting in anger because someone ate food without permission would not be okay in our house at all. I think this kind of control is what leads to disordered eating in kids when everything is so rationed and controlled and if you take more than a predetermined rationed without permission you will be a shouted at in anger even if you only took it because you were hungry and the allocated ration didn’t fill you. Just not a healthy way to manage food and eating.

I’m with you on this. The OP too tightly controls food.

L3ThirtySeven · 22/06/2023 09:07

Tinybrother · 22/06/2023 06:14

You realise that the people who do the dishing up portion things are the ones saying “YABU you need to feed him more OP”? The OP said nothing about how she dishes things up. And even with eating “family style” (I have never heard it described that way, I just call it serving in dishes on the table, this is how we eat in our house) you are still making a judgement about how much overall is enough, so you are putting a restriction on what constitutes a “fair share” either way. If someone ate some of the ingredients for it it would reduce the amount of food available for the meal.

if you read the OP there are snacks and bread available. It is normal to allocate some foods for some occasions, in a household with a budget

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The OP did say that she sets the portion sizes as the same for everyone which makes zero sense as larger humans need more food than do smaller humans. Growing children need more food than elderly pensioners.

I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon.

Icenii · 22/06/2023 09:10

From reading the post everything isn't rationed and controlled. There is plenty to eat.

I was brought up in a household where we were allowed 2 biscuits after school. Sweets, chocolate and fizzy drinks were for the weekend. We were not allowed free for all on treat food. Stuff like meat was for the main meals and if we were hungry we ate cereal, toast, sarnies etc. It doesn't lead to disordered eating. For me it taught me not to binge on crap.