eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

He ate the child’s lunch?!

I would think that it's not beyond the powers of communication for the person doing the baking to say that the cakes, whatever, are needed for a particular reason. This is why I keep saying that something else is going on. No one seems to talk, it's like being in a shared house, no one can say that there is food in the fridge that another child wants for next days lunch. The bacon, well he's just eaten his share. And he's now being divorced, is that just about the food? If so that is petty. So, is there something else happening and the food issue is just another squabble?
In my home, we would talk to one another if a particular item was to be taken to school for example. I would say if leftovers were going to be eaten by another, or the dog. Particularly the dog.

In the case of the OP’s child who baked cookies, it was apparently known to all that the cookies were not reserved for a birthday or school bake sale or anything. They were baked as a treat for everyone in the family, the OPs issue is that the DH ate some of the cookies before the DC had formally offered them nor had the DH formally asked for any….

A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.

So what happened was helping yourself to a treat that had been made for you & the rest if the family but without first having obtained formal permission from whoever cooked them even though you bought all the ingredients.

You lost me at comparing a family to house mates.

Same here. And the comments about “endless cash and replacing things” makes zero sense, people only eat so much, they don’t suddenly eat a ton more food because they don’t have to ask permission of everyone else in the house first.

When my children still lived at home - we all know teenagers eat all the time - I left notes IN the fridge on top of stuff they were not allowed to eat, like "these fruityoghurts are for the little ones visiting tomorrow" or "I need this (insert food item) for cooking dinner tonight". I would've been upset if they would've still eaten those items, but they never did. As for your DP claiming he pays for everything in the house : tell him you pay your share by cooking and other household chores. And yes, I would serve him less on his plate every time he took something that was ment for dinner or tea.

Hell would freeze over before I resorted to hiding food in my own home.

Without permission - is he a child? No, he's an adult. If kids bake biscuits for themselves maybe they need to be taught how to share. So what if he takes a bit of bacon - just do extra

My husband does this too and it drives me crazy. For him it’s more eating what I’ll call ‘kid food’ that is clearly for our daughter. She picks out snacks for her lunch etc and I personally don’t touch these. Not only because they are ‘hers’ but because they don’t appeal to me. But he will eat a whole box without hesitation. It really is more upsetting than people realize.

My DH was raised in a similar food controlling environment which is why we never required our DC to ask permission to eat anything. If they’re hungry and we have food they can simply have it. Similarly, if they detest something that’s part of dinner- they don’t have to eat it.

We have a system where we post the weeks dinners on the fridge and they know if they eat something designated for a dinner, to add it to the top up shopping list and one of us will replace it. The same with if you eat the last of anything- put it on the list.

I keep a good pantry where I usually have one backup of everything anyway.

Our food bill isn’t any more expensive than any other family our size, never was. People allowed to eat intuitively, freely and without stress/criticism don’t tend to eat more than they need to.

Do you have your own income op? Coz i would absolutely fume at someone telling me they paid for it so they'll eat what they want if they knew i didn't have an income due to being SAHM etc. I would feel 2nd class n like we get the left overs as non earners. My partner (live separate) has ate half a loaf of bread on a sunday evening meaning i had none for packed lunches on Monday morning. i think that was more just ignorance of living alone n not having to think about others, but still irritated me.

I am assuming like most homes there is a host of alternative options but instead of him actually sourcing something or making a sandwich etc he takes the easiest option.

What a graceless, selfish, nasty cock of a man. If my DH ate my kids’ cookies - which they had baked themselves (full marks for parenting, OP!) - I’d be livid and hiding places would be found.

My partner (live separate) has ate half a loaf of bread on a sunday evening meaning i had none for packed lunches on Monday morning. i think that was more just ignorance of living alone n not having to think about others, but still irritated me.

Did he offer to go out to the shop and replace what he'd eaten? 🌹

So would I.
Also the cookies.

I haven't posted on here for ages but this post got me annoyed on your behalf OP. My ex was like this. Even if I said something was for a specific purpose, he'd take it for himself. One year he ate my birthday cake in the time it took me to do an 8hr shift at work. When I got home there was the tiniest bit left and he wanted to share it, as if he hadn't eaten enough already! And it was my fault he ate it, I should have told him not to apparently.

I feel better now that's off my chest. YANBU

Yes v v annoying

I do this as I have food issues due to my childhood how was his ?

Are you married to Homer Simpson?

Nope, i didn't mention it as I know it wasn't done with any spiteful intentions, he is childless and a only child so not really ever had to think about that before. I am slightly older with 2 dc. But, if it became a regular thing or we lived together I'd definitely mention he needs to replace/let me know we've run out & consider if there are shops open to replace in time for school etc

🤣🤣🤣 Love it!

I think you’re the one being unreasonable. He’s a grown man and like you say pays the bills and no doubt provides the roof over your head. Sounds very petty and whatever happened to labelling stuff or putting a note on the things you have mentioned. Sounds like he does some of it because he knows it winds you up!

First world problems and all that……

He is behaving like a child - not considering others in the household, snacking without considering the impact on meal plans… so yes; I’d treat him like a big guzzle-bear man-baby.

But can’t justify the ‘taking food from the pan just before it’s plated’ action - that deserves a slap on the hand!

I wouldn’t tolerate this either, if I’m cooking no hands go near the food until it’s dished up. I don’t care now nice is smells or how hungry you are if you come near food that I’m cooking your hand would likely get a really hard slap. My ex BIL used to think it was appropriate to take food from peoples plates if they ate slower than him ‘to help’. He tried it with me once and was left so embarrassed in front of everyone he went home, thank god my sister divorced him, he had zero manners.

@thecatswhiskrs

were your dc planning on eating all the cookies them self OP?

Yes he should ask Or at least check

Stealing from kids is not on. One cookie
Fine. Not lots

If he takes something while
Cooking get gets less on the plate

Sounds like he needs a snack drawer
So buy some cheap chocolate chip cookies , crisps or mini chocolate bars that he can graze on if needs to