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Original poster

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 15:30

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it.

Ugh what a wanker.

This attitude is so unbelievably unattractive.

Mrslarge24 · 21/06/2023 15:31

He sounds like a selfish arse!

Lalalalala555 · 21/06/2023 15:33

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

If I were you.
You need to do one of two things

  1. give him the responsibility of food management, planning and cooking for a month
  2. understand that he wants to eat anything whenever 'because he paid for it'. So start buying more food, using his money. Cook huge quantities. Also eat food off his plate. Or what he was planning.

See what happens.

Psychonabike · 21/06/2023 15:38

It could only be a man.

So entitled.

MysteryBelle · 21/06/2023 15:42

What a sexist pig!

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/06/2023 15:46

I have to assume that those who have a total free for all system, no one asks anyone, everyone helps themselves to whatever is there... has endless cash and time to replace things.

It is easy here as theres two of us and only one of us can cook or get in the freezer, fridge or half the cupboards.

But previously, in houses shared with more than one person, it was pretty simple and common sense to work through:

Did I buy this for me?
Did someone else buy this and are they they one cooking over the next few days?
Is this the last of something or is there plenty?
Might this be a vital ingredient to something someone else is making?
Did I make this?
Is there anyone around to check?
Could I have something else if I am not sure?

So if I went in the fridge and theres a bunch of expensive ingredients I did not buy, its not me cooking for the next few days and I could have a toasted sandwich or bowl of soup etc instead, and there is currently no one at home to ask - I'd have the sandwich/soup - not scoff half the ingredients for something someone else was planning on making.

If someone else has baked a tray of cookies, I might ask if I can have one if theres someone to ask. If there is no one to ask I'll leave them alone, I didn't make them and I don't know what purpose they're for.

But if theres a full loaf of bread, a full tub of lurpak and a jar of marmite, no I wouldn't be texting and hunting down every resident to ask permission to eat a couple of slices.

I think this is called being considerate and thoughtful towards those you share a home with. Clearly some Mumsnetters don't think thats necessary.

TheseThree · 21/06/2023 15:52

Freshly baked cookies my husband would call out a general “hey, are the cookies fair game?” or such. Leftovers are fair game here regardless of who made the food, excepting personal restaurant orders. Snacks are fair game, fruit, etc. Of course, we all have a general sense of what qualifies as shared food. We have a white board to write when we finish off a staple item.
When is he generous with food? What does he cook and share? Lead by example. If he isn’t making and sharing food without permission, why should everyone else?

Side note, we stay with MIL for a week and a half each summer. She does the same thing about cleaning. Doesn’t want to clean dishes when we cook because it will encourage everyone to use fewer dishes. Whatever 🙄

MysteryBelle · 21/06/2023 15:53

Lalalalala555 · 21/06/2023 15:33

If I were you.
You need to do one of two things

  1. give him the responsibility of food management, planning and cooking for a month
  2. understand that he wants to eat anything whenever 'because he paid for it'. So start buying more food, using his money. Cook huge quantities. Also eat food off his plate. Or what he was planning.

See what happens.

Show quote history

“Also eat food off his plate”

Try this Op. I bet he would hate this. Eat off his plate every time. When he complains, say “I cooked it.” Or “Can’t you be generous?” “Why can’t you share?”

MysteryBelle · 21/06/2023 15:56

Eat off his plate and say you cooked it and shouldn’t have to have permission to eat it.

ditalini · 21/06/2023 15:58

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/06/2023 15:46

I have to assume that those who have a total free for all system, no one asks anyone, everyone helps themselves to whatever is there... has endless cash and time to replace things.

It is easy here as theres two of us and only one of us can cook or get in the freezer, fridge or half the cupboards.

But previously, in houses shared with more than one person, it was pretty simple and common sense to work through:

Did I buy this for me?
Did someone else buy this and are they they one cooking over the next few days?
Is this the last of something or is there plenty?
Might this be a vital ingredient to something someone else is making?
Did I make this?
Is there anyone around to check?
Could I have something else if I am not sure?

So if I went in the fridge and theres a bunch of expensive ingredients I did not buy, its not me cooking for the next few days and I could have a toasted sandwich or bowl of soup etc instead, and there is currently no one at home to ask - I'd have the sandwich/soup - not scoff half the ingredients for something someone else was planning on making.

If someone else has baked a tray of cookies, I might ask if I can have one if theres someone to ask. If there is no one to ask I'll leave them alone, I didn't make them and I don't know what purpose they're for.

But if theres a full loaf of bread, a full tub of lurpak and a jar of marmite, no I wouldn't be texting and hunting down every resident to ask permission to eat a couple of slices.

I think this is called being considerate and thoughtful towards those you share a home with. Clearly some Mumsnetters don't think thats necessary.

To be fair, I think feeding is some people's love language and their family eating all their food is a signal of their success in nurturing and caring for them. So it's worth it to spend a lot on food and spend a lot of time restocking and cooking.

Someone like that would absolutely not have an issue with their baking being immediately scoffed - it's a sign of how they're valued by their family and very satisfying. They'd just turn around and bake more. and bake twice as much next time. Staying up late to re-bake a tray of cookies that were meant for the school bake fair the next day isn't a problem for them.

Finding out all your ingredients have been eaten isn't a problem - they've shown they love you by eating your food so you feel good and just buy more. You have strapping children and hungry husbands and it's a joy to feed them up.

Massive shops, abundance, big portions - all signals of love.

I love my family, but feeding/food is not my love language (and we have a budget, and time constraints, and cooking is purely a utilitarian task for me).

MrsCatE · 21/06/2023 16:01

If I was one of your teenagers I'd be tempted to make a 'snare' batch of biscuits e.g add one whole scotch bonnet to the mix and see what happens.

Jenjen21 · 21/06/2023 16:02

Hand him his dinner and eat 2 sausages (or whatever) off plate as he takes it, see how he likes that!!

paulthepython · 21/06/2023 16:08

Ohhh this is such a hard one. So...I do think it's unfair for others to go without because one person can't control their snacking habits and I fully agree that realistic consequences would be for them to have less if they have eaten their portion in advance or to go out and replace cookies if they've taken so many that there isn't enough to share...but...imagine if I (a woman) was on here saying
"I really struggle around food and have a big appetite. I find it difficult if snacks are out to resist the urge of having 'just one more'. I work and I contribute financially to the food bill but my partner has become very controlling around food and its making me feel awful. They know I eat more but only portion me out the same amount as the children, if there are lots of treats I'm not allowed to have more than one and I'm criticised and the kids are brought into it if I eat any more. My partner says I'm "mooching around" if I enter the kitchen and is trying to monitor what I eat all the time. I figured that leftovers in the fridge from a previous meal would be fair game but now he's saying that I need to ask before I eat anything just in case someone else wants it and it's making me feel really uncomfortable."

I've not read the full comments thread so don't know if op has expanded on who works what hours but for me if she is at home more and thus does the food shopping and he is at work more so contributes more financially I would definetely say op needs to perhaps spend a bit more on the shopping and portion out extra food for her partner. If they both work the same then frankly he needs to take responsibility for the food shopping and prep alternatively and buy himself extras and prepare them himself.

marblesthecat · 21/06/2023 16:09

He sounds greedy and selfish.

LuciferRising · 21/06/2023 16:24

paulthepython · 21/06/2023 16:08

Ohhh this is such a hard one. So...I do think it's unfair for others to go without because one person can't control their snacking habits and I fully agree that realistic consequences would be for them to have less if they have eaten their portion in advance or to go out and replace cookies if they've taken so many that there isn't enough to share...but...imagine if I (a woman) was on here saying
"I really struggle around food and have a big appetite. I find it difficult if snacks are out to resist the urge of having 'just one more'. I work and I contribute financially to the food bill but my partner has become very controlling around food and its making me feel awful. They know I eat more but only portion me out the same amount as the children, if there are lots of treats I'm not allowed to have more than one and I'm criticised and the kids are brought into it if I eat any more. My partner says I'm "mooching around" if I enter the kitchen and is trying to monitor what I eat all the time. I figured that leftovers in the fridge from a previous meal would be fair game but now he's saying that I need to ask before I eat anything just in case someone else wants it and it's making me feel really uncomfortable."

I've not read the full comments thread so don't know if op has expanded on who works what hours but for me if she is at home more and thus does the food shopping and he is at work more so contributes more financially I would definetely say op needs to perhaps spend a bit more on the shopping and portion out extra food for her partner. If they both work the same then frankly he needs to take responsibility for the food shopping and prep alternatively and buy himself extras and prepare them himself.

Just because you want to eat more than everyone else doesn't give you the right to eat someone else's share. The person could simply just go and buy their own stuff if it is that much of an issue. Or ask!

I baked muffins at lunch. 12 of them. Both DD and DH will instinctively know that equals 4 each. If they want more they would then ask and generally, someone will go 'yeh sure'.

loislovesstewie · 21/06/2023 16:25

Actually I don't think this is really about food, is it? There is something else going on. I just can't imagine myself getting so worked up and saying anyone was taking food without permission. It makes it seem like a house share not a family. If a person has cooked for a particular reason, fine, a simple request not to eat, but I wouldn't get in a state about the rest. For reference my DHs family would label food so he wasn't allowed to touch it, I probably go the other way as that seemed cruel. Notes saying, the meat/cheese isn't for you, etc.

stayathomer · 21/06/2023 16:28

Just tell him he needs to say it! I’m just going to grab an x, are they anyone’s? Do you mind if I grab a few cookies? The lunch eg is a bit unreasonable- leftovers that you said your child had mentally decided were for the next day? I’d probably have eaten them too!

stayathomer · 21/06/2023 16:33

For reference my DHs family would label food so he wasn't allowed to touch it, I probably go the other way as that seemed cruel.
First time I met my dh’s family they fought over garlic bread and then chips even though there was tons of it all. There was such tension around the table that they all laughed about later. Dh said it’s from when they were poor as kids

TheShellBeach · 21/06/2023 16:39

We eat whatever we want in this house. It's all food.

I don't understand the comments about the DH being selfish and greedy.

Turfwars · 21/06/2023 16:41

He said he paid for the food, right?

So next dinner he gets a raw chicken breast, raw veg and potatoes. Because he wants to be that fucking pedantic, I'd point out that he might have paid for it, and it was delivered by you as a generous freebie but he didn't pay for it to be cooked.

Or just divorce. He can get the fridge in the divorce settlement.

Bellaboo01 · 21/06/2023 16:47

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

Do you actually need to ask this question?

  • Your children have made cookies and he then scoofs a load of them.
  • He is eating your children's lunches.

He sounds awful to be eating his children's lunches and cookies that they have cooked to share.

The snatching bacon is a non issue - just don't give him his share on his plate as he has already eaten it whilst stood up.

Boymum1005 · 21/06/2023 16:49

We have similar issues in our house but more down the lines of.. I’ve planned the meals, written the shopping list, been to the supermarket or ordered everything online and 50% of the time will do the cooking. DH will get home from work and make himself a snack, usually using ingredients from the weeks upcoming meals. However, he will then go to the shop and replace it if I tell him, and we go halves on all bills including the food shop despite me being on maternity leave (I was lucky enough to receive a bonus large enough to cover my SMP and unpaid leave, so this is what we equally agreed on).

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen

I hate this. Do you do contribute financially towards the home/shop? If you do, his argument doesn’t stand. If you don’t, this isn’t a safe person to be financially dependent on. Comments like this can escalate quickly during a disagreement.

bonzaitree · 21/06/2023 16:49

My parents had a section in the fridge that was « fair game ».

Anything else would be for a meal so hands off.

really handy with three greedy teens snooping about.

Blueink · 21/06/2023 16:49

Horrible self justifying greedy and selfish bastard!

loislovesstewie · 21/06/2023 16:52

So, how is he to second guess what the leftovers are for? In our house they are probably for the dog.