AIBU - FIL and first day of school

[HouseD]

We are from a culture where the first day of school is a family celebration and grandparents eatc go with the child to their school, gifts are given etc.

In our wider family there are two children who are starting school, my DC and FIL’s great niece (FIL’s sister’s daughter’s daughter).

FIL lives a similar distance from us in terms of travelling time as he does to his great niece, about 7 hours door to door. We live in a different country so getting to us is a 2 hour plane ride, whereas great niece lives in the same country so he can get to her by train or car. FIL normally visits us twice a year but has never visited great niece, but does see her about 3 times a year at family events and is fond of her.

Today FIL told us that he is going to see off his great niece to her first day of school. He has been invited along with my DH’s aunts, DH’s sister (my SIL) and sister’s daughter (our niece) and they have all accepted. He will send a parcel with gifts for our DC, his grandchild.

There’s no one else on DH’s side of the family we can invite as they are all going to the great niece, or are too old to travel.

I’m feeling really upset about this as he didn’t talk to us before accepting and it feels like the possibility of seeing his grandchild off didn’t cross his mind. To be fair, we hadn’t invited him, but only because we have been on holiday since we found out when DC’s first school day would be and only returned at the weekend so hadn’t thought about how the first day of school will go. He can go and see whoever he wants but what upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to have thought of us to at least have a conversation about it before accepting.

DH feels IABU as it was his choice to move country so missing out on family is a consequence of this, and also feels we can’t be upset as we didn’t invite him first.

Please tell me gently that I am being unreasonable!

Are you in the UK? If so, noone would expect that level of involvement on the first day (although I do love getting the flower from some children!) It's fine to be disappointed, but don't let it spoil DC's first day.

I would just be glad the pressure is off you and your dc, it can be an overwhelming first few days without all that extra palavar.

As both posts above.
You can feel disappointed.
You can also learn from this that if you want someone who lives 7 hours away to attend something, it makes sense to invite them asap, and not 'assume' anything.
But mostly, it will be MUCH easier for your child to start school without all the fuss this seems to entail (if you are in the UK).
Obviously if you are somewhere where everyone turns up with several people, this might be different.

I'm with your DH.

You can't expect the man to take a plane ride to attend your child's first day at school.

Out of pure curiosity, which culture is this? I've never heard anything like it before?

You should be grateful! Imagine being 4 years old and all these people rocking up - she may feel anxious and want a quiet morning without being fussed over!

Maybe a celebration tea instead?

I feel sorry for the teachers - imagine having hoards of relatives hanging around when trying to get the new ones settled in and registered etc!

Which country/culture is this?

Germany? Their starting school celebrations seem lovely.

It does sound a bit thoughtless, but on the other hand he may have felt it not being a part of British culture he wouldn't be missed.

It’s ok to feel disappointed but yabu in your expectations of FIL. He didn’t even know when your DCs first day was and accepted someone else’s invitation. Should he have declined invitations to everything for a few weeks just incase you did invite him and a date fell within that time?

I totally understand it’s difficult when you are trying to cling on to the traditions of home but when we leave it’s a choice for us and we can’t expect that everyone will drop everything and bring our traditions to us. Are you feeling home sick or has FIL done something else where this is the straw that broke the camels back?

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. He can't be in two places at one time. Also he lives in a different country to you so it's more complicated.

Thank you everyone. Having slept on it I feel less upset about it.

I'm not upset about the fact that he isn't coming and I realise that isn't the done thing here. But FIL doesn't know that it isn't the done thing here. What bothers me is that last Saturday when he was invited to the other one, it feels he said yes without thinking about his grandchild. We came back from holiday yesterday and rang him to tell him how it was and he told us about his weekend and that's how we found out.

When we invite him to things many months in advance he tells us he can't commit without speaking to my SIL, his mum, his sisters and it feels the same courtesy hasn't been extended to us. Yet he is thoughtful of others when we invite him to spend time with us. Last year we invited him in August to spend Christmas with us and by the time he had spoken to everyone, it was November until he could confirm if he was coming (because others, quite reasonably, didn't know until then what they were doing).

Weirdly I assumed the FIL and neice had moved away and FIL and his family were trying to maintain the traditions

From the child’s POV it’s often best to keep things as normal as they will be, making a big fuss makes things even more overwhelming.

ask grandad to visit at a time when she can spend quality time with him rather than when she is in school.

I'm not upset about the fact that he isn't coming and I realise that isn't the done thing here. But FIL doesn't know that it isn't the done thing here. why do you think FIL doesn't know this?

It sounds like a lovely tradition, but you didn't invite him or tell him the date, and he lives overseas, so yabu.

He lives in a different country.
You didn't invite him.
He is not telepathic.

This reads to an outsider that you're still pissed off about Christmas.

Perhaps I didn't word my post so well. I am a Little disappointed that he isn't coming. But what I am majorly disappointed about is that when he was invited, he didn't say "give me a few days to talk to my son / DIL about what plans are for my grandchild before I confirm" and then talk to us, like he does when we invite him to things. It's the lack of thought that upsets me the most, not his absence. Is that unreasonable to expect of him, when he does the same for invites we give him?

And just to be clear, the travelling time to us is the same as the travelling time to his great niece. It's just that we live in another country. A bit like someone living in the US being asked to travel door to door 7 hours within the US vs 7 hours to somewhere in Canada.

What an utterly ridiculous thing to even be upset about. Yes it is ridiculous! You expected him to fly two hours for that??

I think you are feeling a bit jealous.
Let it go.

Come on OP you are really unnecessarily miffed.
Ridiculous to catch a plane to watch a child go to school!!!! What a carbon footprint that would be!

I live in another country

Mum driving to sisters 40 mins
Flight 25 mins

Flights cost each was £30

I would still expect her to visit sister more than me.

Op

Couple of things.
1 they asked his first. He didn't suddenly ditch you after first saying he would come.
2 . Journey time which includes a plane ride is not the same thing ie it's only 50 minutes to Dublin from London as it is to go from zone 5 into centre. They are not the same!

1. First day of school in Europe and e kept very very low key for the kids saleS there absolutely is no fan fair and it can be a bit underwhelming for parents to see kids just run in and sit down not to mind people who have travelled .

4 your fil will get the chance to catch up with a lot of people as part of his other visit and your dh ( who's actual father) iit is is not upset .

Gently, let this one go.

@Crazycrazylady the first day of school is understated in the UK... not in other parts of Europe. Germany for example often has a special ceremonies as well as presents (its a cone filled with sweets and school supplies). We don't know where the OP is from and what the family is used to doing!

Not sure the school would appreciate more than 2 adults anyway, some schools only allow one adult onto the premises in fact (started during covid but our local school found it worked a lot better)

As this is an expected celebration point for your family it’s completely reasonable to be hurt that he hasn’t considered his grandchild here. It doesn’t matter that it’s not something everyone does in the UK, you do it and that’s what is significant. It would be understandable if his great niece was much more local, or if he decided it was too far to go to either of them, but given that the travelling time is the same I would feel disappointed on my child’s behalf. It would seem more natural to prioritise your grandchild over a sister’s
grandchild and it seems like this might be a bit of a pattern where your family isn’t given as much consideration. But I’d try to let it go and just plan a lovely first day with your child and your husband.

Maybe start your own traditions?
With less expectations and less chance your dc/you will feel let down...
Can't imagine you enjoy your dc's childhood moments to their full if you are considering those who live so far away before actually planning and doing things!