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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - FIL and first day of school

88 replies

HouseD · 19/06/2023 23:47

We are from a culture where the first day of school is a family celebration and grandparents eatc go with the child to their school, gifts are given etc.

In our wider family there are two children who are starting school, my DC and FIL’s great niece (FIL’s sister’s daughter’s daughter).

FIL lives a similar distance from us in terms of travelling time as he does to his great niece, about 7 hours door to door. We live in a different country so getting to us is a 2 hour plane ride, whereas great niece lives in the same country so he can get to her by train or car. FIL normally visits us twice a year but has never visited great niece, but does see her about 3 times a year at family events and is fond of her.

Today FIL told us that he is going to see off his great niece to her first day of school. He has been invited along with my DH’s aunts, DH’s sister (my SIL) and sister’s daughter (our niece) and they have all accepted. He will send a parcel with gifts for our DC, his grandchild.

There’s no one else on DH’s side of the family we can invite as they are all going to the great niece, or are too old to travel.

I’m feeling really upset about this as he didn’t talk to us before accepting and it feels like the possibility of seeing his grandchild off didn’t cross his mind. To be fair, we hadn’t invited him, but only because we have been on holiday since we found out when DC’s first school day would be and only returned at the weekend so hadn’t thought about how the first day of school will go. He can go and see whoever he wants but what upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to have thought of us to at least have a conversation about it before accepting.

DH feels IABU as it was his choice to move country so missing out on family is a consequence of this, and also feels we can’t be upset as we didn’t invite him first.

Please tell me gently that I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseD · 20/06/2023 10:02

@PuttingDownRoots is absolutely right. It's a massive deal in Germany where FIL lives. When I started school, my school put on a little celebration, concert, there were lots of gifts, the school hall was packed with relatives.

@Crazycrazylady your post made me reflect, so thank you. I think everyone is focussing on his absence, which isn't the main reason I'm upset about. I'm upset that he didn't talk to us before accepting, just as he talks to everyone else first before he accepts any invitations from us. I don't understand why it's ok that we are treated differently in that respect. To your points:

  1. When we ask him, he tells us he needs a few days to check in with other people in the family before he commits. Is it unreasonable to hope for the same when others ask him to do something that he knows could potentially clash? He knows he has a grandchild starting school in Sept.
  1. I agree in your example it's not the same as it's not door to door. It's also made me realise that I have made an assumption that he won't be flying to his great niece. She lives 600km away so he may decide to take a 1.5 hour flight to her vs 2 hour flight to us.
  1. It is a big deal where we are from.
  1. His niece moved far away just as we did, so there aren't other people in the destination that he will be catching up with, except for all the people he is travelling with and he sees them regularly.
OP posts:
Imnotahoarderreally · 20/06/2023 10:02

I think I understand OP.
If your fil didn’t go to either it wouldn’t feel so hurtful.

Unfortunately it’s how it is.
My in laws once pointed to the calendar on the wall and fil said proudly
These are the dates xxx (nephew) is working on the rigs so we always ring his dw for a chat as she’s on her own.
I, their ds’s wife, mother of their dgc just stared in wtf mode.
My dh worked away Mon to Friday every week, I lived 100 miles from any family and my in-laws never rang me to see how I was.
It was that day that I stopped worrying about my relationship with them.

jellyminelli · 20/06/2023 10:06

"When I started school, my school put on a little celebration, concert, there were lots of gifts, the school hall was packed with relatives."

He won't even be allowed through the door due to safeguarding and your DC will probably go for 2 hours "settling in" for the first 3 weeks. I suspect it will be something of an anticlimax for you and your FIL should definitely go to the celebrations in Germany because nobody will celebrate that here.

saraclara · 20/06/2023 10:13

I get that is not quite your point, but him coming to the UK for that celebration would be hugely disappointing for him. He might not even be allowed beyond the school gate. It would be a massive anticlimax and sad for everyone, including your child. Whereas in Germany he's getting the full, expected experience.

To be honest, I wouldn't have invited him, for that reason. I'd feel dreadful if he traveled all that way, full of excitement, and got the UK 'who are you and why are you here?' experience when you got to school.

Your DH is right, I'm afraid.

Original poster
HouseD · 20/06/2023 10:14

Thank you @jellyminelli and @Adorapan, you have captured how I feel. It's not the fact he's not here and if we had discussed the answer might have been still that he goes to his great niece. It's the lack of consideration and thinking about it, it is a pattern as he seems to consider others when we ask him for something, but doesn't consider us when others ask him.

OP posts:
onlywayissussex · 20/06/2023 10:22

Blimey OP

Get a life

onlywayissussex · 20/06/2023 10:28

It may be a big deal in Germany but it's not here. For starters, our kids start aged 4 so super young so we don't want to over hype them

You turn up, kid goes inside school. You say bye and walk away

Take a few photos. Give a cone if you want but personally, I didn't want my 4 year old to have a bucket of sweets before school. She has boxes and boxes of pen's already plus they dont take any of that to school. Its provided.

Pick them up 3 hours later.

Not worth a flight for the poor old bloke

CheezePleeze · 20/06/2023 10:28

My goodness this is all very 'me me me me me' isn't it OP?

This is your child's first day at school and the grandad you didn't even invite, is sending the child a parcel.

Even your DH thinks you're being unreasonable and they're his family.

Where are your family in this? Can you get any of them involved if all this is affecting you personally so much?

PushmePull · 20/06/2023 10:34

I can totally see why you would feel hurt, as you say, because he didn't check with you about his grandchild.

In his defence:

  • this kind of thing can stem from a lack of self esteem, assuming you are not wanted or needed
  • he may know that it's not such a big thing over here and assume it will be a big thing for great niece but not for your DD
  • conceptually and financially it is a much bigger step to fly to another country, arrange accommodation etc. Maybe it is self-evident in his head it's a big enough event to warrant the trip within the country, but not an overseas trip, and it hasn't occurred to him that others may feel differently.

So it's easy to feel it as a slight, but that doesn't mean it started out as one.

Motnight · 20/06/2023 10:39

But you didn't invite him 🤣😬

Snugglemonkey · 20/06/2023 10:45

HouseD · 20/06/2023 07:14

Thank you everyone. Having slept on it I feel less upset about it.

I'm not upset about the fact that he isn't coming and I realise that isn't the done thing here. But FIL doesn't know that it isn't the done thing here. What bothers me is that last Saturday when he was invited to the other one, it feels he said yes without thinking about his grandchild. We came back from holiday yesterday and rang him to tell him how it was and he told us about his weekend and that's how we found out.

When we invite him to things many months in advance he tells us he can't commit without speaking to my SIL, his mum, his sisters and it feels the same courtesy hasn't been extended to us. Yet he is thoughtful of others when we invite him to spend time with us. Last year we invited him in August to spend Christmas with us and by the time he had spoken to everyone, it was November until he could confirm if he was coming (because others, quite reasonably, didn't know until then what they were doing).

You are asking him to travel to a different country though. That is very different to accepting an invitation in his country. It is nice that he visits, but dh is right. When someone moves away, they should not expect that people will visit at all.

I moved away, I understand that there are many reasons why people may not visit, time, money, time off work. I feel the onus is on me to go, buy they are not obliged to come to me. Although it is lovely when people do.

BoohooWoohoo · 20/06/2023 10:56

If he always has to check with others before committing to plans with you then it's no surprise that he may pick the others in this instance. The fact that your h doesn't care means that he accepts the hierarchy of people that need to be consulted. It is unequal but if it's always been like that in his family then he will accept that. You need to accept it so that it doesn't annoy you too.

If he went with your dd to school on her first day then he'd probably be waiting outside in the playground or the gate while you drop her off. Schools don't want too many adults as it's stresses out the kids as space is limited.

There will be a first time that he walks with her to school. I suggest making that day special.

Original poster
HouseD · 20/06/2023 10:57

Thank you @Snugglemonkey. You are right and we don't have that expectation. I just thought before he accepted to travel 600km to see his great niece off to school (whose mum also moved away, hence the distance) he might have spoken to us, just as he speaks to other people in the family (who live several hundred kms away) before he accepts our invitations.

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseD · 20/06/2023 11:01

@BoohooWoohoo you have worded it very well. It's a hierarchy and we come lower down. Someone earlier said it sounds like I am still upset about Christmas. And I think they might have a point as hierarchy comes into it as well. FIL has never spent Christmas with us because when he consults his family, SIL wants him to spend Christmas with her so he doesn't come.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 20/06/2023 11:02

Then stop inviting him to stuff if it bothers you that he checks his options first .Do you have family that will come to your school starting celebration ?

Snugglemonkey · 20/06/2023 11:08

HouseD · 20/06/2023 11:01

@BoohooWoohoo you have worded it very well. It's a hierarchy and we come lower down. Someone earlier said it sounds like I am still upset about Christmas. And I think they might have a point as hierarchy comes into it as well. FIL has never spent Christmas with us because when he consults his family, SIL wants him to spend Christmas with her so he doesn't come.

I also think you need to be OK with the hierarchy if it is going to keep upsetting you. It is not likely to be a personal thing, but mire to do with closeness if relationships, distance etc. My dad will always go to my brother's children's things, but not mine. I am fine with it. He has to fly here. He is closer to them because he sees them more. It is a consequence of me moving. He is close to sil. It does not mean he does not value you. If you cannot accept the relationship for what it is, then it is OK to distance yourself a bit to deal with it that way. But getting all upset just makes you upset, it does not move you forward.

WonderfulUsername · 20/06/2023 11:12

HouseD · 20/06/2023 10:57

Thank you @Snugglemonkey. You are right and we don't have that expectation. I just thought before he accepted to travel 600km to see his great niece off to school (whose mum also moved away, hence the distance) he might have spoken to us, just as he speaks to other people in the family (who live several hundred kms away) before he accepts our invitations.

But what would he speak to you about exactly when he wasn't invited by you or your DH?

What about your own family OP? Are they sending parcels and presents etc?

fancreek · 20/06/2023 11:41

Are you always so sensitive to other cultures?

ButImNotOldEnough · 20/06/2023 11:41

YABU, you live a plane ride away which is infinitely more expensive than a train. You didn’t invite him, someone else got in there first, it’s a tough luck too bad situation. You can stew in how you feel but it’s not going to change the facts of the matter and it’s not going to make you or anyone else feel better and might make your child feel like you’ve taken the shine off her first day of school by having a petted lip over her granddad not being there.

Snoken · 20/06/2023 11:48

I am guessing the problem is really his lack of committment and eagerness to see you in general. In this particular circumstance it would make zero sense for him to come to the UK to watch a kid go into school vs staying in Germany where they do a full on party for the same occasion. I'm Swedish and we have a huge celebration for midsummers each year, it would be totally unreasonable for me to invite my family to the UK to celebrate it with me when it's just a normal working day there. Some things just has to be celebrated where the celebration is.

Theunamedcat · 20/06/2023 11:55

The lack of consideration would upset me he knew his grandchild was starting school and didn't even figure them in when deciding to go elsewhere but always figures in the other family when arranging things with you that's hurtful

Soonenough · 20/06/2023 12:01

Are your own family in UK ? If you are relying on FIL only , you might want to broaden your options. Also , with Brexit , is travelling to the UK from Germany not as easy as it used to be . Lastly can I say that SIL is his daughter in whose company he might feel more comfortable and relaxed especially as they share a common culture.

I understand that you might feel hurt and that is OK . But don't let it spoil your child 's day .

Original poster
HouseD · 20/06/2023 12:04

@Theunamedcat that is exactly it. But others seem to think I am unreasonable to feel hurt about that.

OP posts:
itshotontheplayground · 20/06/2023 12:07

To be fair, we hadn’t invited him
then YABU I am afraid.

he didn't say "give me a few days to talk to my son / DIL about what plans are for my grandchild before I confirm
You need to chill. You are being ridiculous.

Lcb123 · 20/06/2023 12:11

YABU given you didn’t invite him. I think keeping it low key is better anyone, and surely they’ve been at nursery so not that big a deal