AIBU - FIL and first day of school

[HouseD]

We are from a culture where the first day of school is a family celebration and grandparents eatc go with the child to their school, gifts are given etc.

In our wider family there are two children who are starting school, my DC and FIL’s great niece (FIL’s sister’s daughter’s daughter).

FIL lives a similar distance from us in terms of travelling time as he does to his great niece, about 7 hours door to door. We live in a different country so getting to us is a 2 hour plane ride, whereas great niece lives in the same country so he can get to her by train or car. FIL normally visits us twice a year but has never visited great niece, but does see her about 3 times a year at family events and is fond of her.

Today FIL told us that he is going to see off his great niece to her first day of school. He has been invited along with my DH’s aunts, DH’s sister (my SIL) and sister’s daughter (our niece) and they have all accepted. He will send a parcel with gifts for our DC, his grandchild.

There’s no one else on DH’s side of the family we can invite as they are all going to the great niece, or are too old to travel.

I’m feeling really upset about this as he didn’t talk to us before accepting and it feels like the possibility of seeing his grandchild off didn’t cross his mind. To be fair, we hadn’t invited him, but only because we have been on holiday since we found out when DC’s first school day would be and only returned at the weekend so hadn’t thought about how the first day of school will go. He can go and see whoever he wants but what upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to have thought of us to at least have a conversation about it before accepting.

DH feels IABU as it was his choice to move country so missing out on family is a consequence of this, and also feels we can’t be upset as we didn’t invite him first.

Please tell me gently that I am being unreasonable!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Especially as it is the same distance.

He probably accepted who invited him first and since you didn't... not sure why you are upset to be honest.

@NoThanksymm that's pretty much the dynamic you describe that we have. I don't think he does it consciously. He's normally so lovely but very rigid in his thinking and only realises after the fact.

I spoke to SIL today and she said he was put in an awkward position as he was invited in front of the child so didn't feel he could say no. She was there when it happened and she said she reminded him that he has a grandchild who is also going to school, and apparently he reacted as if he didn't know that our child is starting school too, which is really odd, as we have spoken about it many times.

I did ask FIL today if he would like to visit us and he said he needs to check with various people on various other possibilities. SIL says she has experienced similar too and it's a shame that it means he misses out on time with his GCs.

It's not ridiculous to expect someone to travel for 2 hours on a plane if the celebration is important to the family. Not everyone's first day of school is as uneventful as the ones in England.
We live on Germany and DS started school last year. We had already invited family 6 months before that. It's a big deal here and I'm glad all of DS's grandparents were able to attend.

If i were you i would accept the decision, but i would say to FIL that it is a shame that your DD won't have a lot of family there like all the other children.

Not sure what country you're in but here in Germany the first day is a huge thing usually with as many family members as possible. The children go in with their new backpacks and meet their teachers / classmates. Then we all went over to the church for a short service, then all the children went into their classrooms and the parents/families went to the school hall for refreshments, then after about an hour that was it, the children came out, they got those huge cone things we'd made for them, then all off to a café or restaurant for lunch. Often on seeing the cone (Schultute) staff would solemnly congratulate the child and they usually got a dessert or something. It is a big deal and to have no family there would be noticed.

My DH could never get time off for anything (chef) except that one. and my mum, knowing how it is here flew over for a few days so our DC had at least one other family member there.

So i get it, OP, in places where it is a big thing, it sticks out like a sore thumb. And i would definitely let DHs family know that in case they want to rethink.

No every child will have grandparents. Some will have passed away or just can't get there. I wouldn't worry about it.

@HouseD I'Ve now read the rest of your posts.
I still say: tell him how you feel about this, how it makes you feel second tier and that now you understand fully the family dynamic it is fine. DD will enjoy receiving a parcel from him.
Ask him again if he will come for her birthday, say again that you understand he may get another offer and that's fine.

And then just leave it. And if he asks you for something, says you're the only ones he can rely on? say "oh sorry, it's not convenient" and drop the rope.

It is the only way the whole thing won't drive you mad.

Ive no idea where in the world you are but in the uk it'd be batshit to rock up on the first day of school with your extended family in tow! Be thankful your child doesn't have so many people around to make it into a big deal.

While I think it is for the best your DC isn't turning up to school with an entourage, I can't totally see why it upsets you that FIL can quickly commit to plans with other family members, yet never does with you. You are not being unreasonable for being upset by that.
^^
I do feel, though, than your best hope for a happy life is to pay it no mind. Give him some dates for visits in the holidays and if he comes, great. If not, have fun with the family that really matters (and shows you that you matter), DH and DC.

@HouseD I understand why that may feel hard. We've had something similar happen with one particular branch of the family. While it occasionally stings when the dc notice it, the reality is everyone has the right to make their own plans and often if you heard the whole story you'd understand why they do. In your case maybe someone told them in your country 1st day of school isn't celebrated. Maybe flights are very hard on Grandparents and the thought of another one soon is underwhelming. I think you just have to accept it and make your own, new traditions which is definitely something ex-pats/immigrants etc., have to do in abundance. Maybe cake for breakfast or ice-cream Sundays after school? Parents both walking dc to school or a family annual motto that's unveiled on the day. So many options.

It's okay to find some of the realities of being far from your family hard. Don't be too hard on yourself; we are all human.

I assume this poor bloke is of a certain age, I’m amazed he wants to trek 7 hours to watch any relative start school. It’s a big ask. Especially as you said in the country you’re in it’s not even a thing. So what will happen, he gets out the car, watches little Emily walk in the playground, wander in to the class room and then THAT’S IT. Cheers grandad! You got a two hour flight, spent hundreds on airfare, got up at the crack of dawn, travel 7 hours to watch a 4 year old skip across a playground. What an anticlimax.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Just to be clear, in case it's not, my main upset is that he didn't think of us, in the same way he thinks of everyone else when we invite him. And obviously if he had come to us, it wouldn't have been just for the first day of school. He normally stays a week or two and we do different things with him. He has his own bedroom with us which we furnished and decorated based on his choices.

I did try to talk to him about it yesterday but felt he was shutting down the conversation quickly. I mentioned the birthday invite and he still had to think about it etc. it just so happens that someone else then asked if they could come to visit over the same time period so I let FIL know that he would soon need to make a decision as someone else would like to come, and he straight away said he is accepting our invite.

DH has been wanting to distance for a while and I will be taking his lead. I realise now it's not about school, but it's brought the situation into sharp focus.

Thank you everyone for helping me think things through.

I think you are beginning to understand what your DH does about his dad - your FIL doesn’t view his son (and by extension, his grandchild on that side) as a priority. Your DHs way of dealing with this of pulling back and not treating his dad as a priority is the right one.

what would happen if you just stopped? Stop inviting FIL to you, stop asking to visit him, stop calling, stop updating him. Would he arrange to visit you /invite you to visit him/call you?

(I’m not sure I could forgive the rudeness of waiting to see if he got a better offer for Christmas before accepting or declining your invite.)