AIBU - FIL and first day of school

[HouseD]

We are from a culture where the first day of school is a family celebration and grandparents eatc go with the child to their school, gifts are given etc.

In our wider family there are two children who are starting school, my DC and FIL’s great niece (FIL’s sister’s daughter’s daughter).

FIL lives a similar distance from us in terms of travelling time as he does to his great niece, about 7 hours door to door. We live in a different country so getting to us is a 2 hour plane ride, whereas great niece lives in the same country so he can get to her by train or car. FIL normally visits us twice a year but has never visited great niece, but does see her about 3 times a year at family events and is fond of her.

Today FIL told us that he is going to see off his great niece to her first day of school. He has been invited along with my DH’s aunts, DH’s sister (my SIL) and sister’s daughter (our niece) and they have all accepted. He will send a parcel with gifts for our DC, his grandchild.

There’s no one else on DH’s side of the family we can invite as they are all going to the great niece, or are too old to travel.

I’m feeling really upset about this as he didn’t talk to us before accepting and it feels like the possibility of seeing his grandchild off didn’t cross his mind. To be fair, we hadn’t invited him, but only because we have been on holiday since we found out when DC’s first school day would be and only returned at the weekend so hadn’t thought about how the first day of school will go. He can go and see whoever he wants but what upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to have thought of us to at least have a conversation about it before accepting.

DH feels IABU as it was his choice to move country so missing out on family is a consequence of this, and also feels we can’t be upset as we didn’t invite him first.

Please tell me gently that I am being unreasonable!

He was invited by them and he accepted. You did not invite him. He did absolutely nothing wrong. Forget it.

Oh please! He’s in another bloody country and he wasn’t even invited. Flying over impromptu for what is a complete non event in the UK would have been madness.

Get a grip and focus on the important thing here, which is making the day as stress free for your child as possible.

Poor FIL.

Is it possible he actually knows that it's not the same in UK as it is in Germany? So he's decided to go to the one where it actually is an event, the done thing? I know it's your culture but it's not here so it won't have the same atmosphere or feel, no matter how hard you try to mimic it.

Sorry, this was meant to quote a poster who said you were being ridiculous!

You didn’t invite him. I can understand wanting to keep traditions in your culture alive but I think there is a big difference between what happens on the first day of school between the 2 countries. I think you might be better doing something privately after school. If you rock up in the first day of school with a million other people and your child holding lots of presents and stuffing down sweets you will not get off to a good start with the teacher or the other parents as it will upset all the other kids who will wonder why they don’t have the same and the teacher will be dreading teaching a child stuffed full of sugar on a day that is already full of emotions and excitement.

@Phos I don't think he would have known it's not a big deal here.

I wonder now if he has gotten himself confused. He said he would send us a parcel in July for his first day at school and I corrected him that his first day is in September.

I thought we were very close. We text every day, FaceTime at least once a week. The children love him. He constantly talks about how he wants to treat all of his GC fairly so we don't mind that he checks in with us before he commits to us.

DH has been saying for years that we should pull back from him for similar reasons and I think he may have a point.

The poor guy accepted an invitation from Family. It's not like he decided to book himself on a cruise to avoid all the drama.

It does not mean he cares less about his grand-child. It's all very well to play the "cultural card", but you really expect him to put his entire life on hold just to make sure he doesn't miss something, doesn't go with another family member, even when you forgot or didn't get round to invite him?

Family is important, he will be with family! Pencil him now for the child's nativity or sports day, it will be months before you know the date, but you know it's always sometimes end of November or December.

@itshotontheplayground genuinely, please help me understand this.

I already asked him last month if he would come and see us in November for his grandchild's birthday. He has said he needs to check in with other family members in case there are other things he may be invited to that he doesn't know of yet, which he needs to factor into his decision. He therefore won't be able to tell me until nearer the time as he needs to give other people an opportunity to think through. These are family members who live 200-600km away from him but in the same country. Why is it ok that he treats our invites to him in this way, but invites that he gets from others don't go through the same considerations?

He has said he needs to check in with other family members in case there are other things he may be invited to that he doesn't know of yet, which he needs to factor into his decision. He therefore won't be able to tell me until nearer the time as he needs to give other people an opportunity to think through.

So what he's basically saying is that he wants to wait to see if he can get a better offer.

You say he always chooses SIL over your family. Growing up was DH the scapegoat and SIL the golden child?

Gently OP, whatever he says about treating his grandchildren equally his actions don't seem to match his words. Or at least, he sees it as treating them equally when it comes to the money he spends on them but doesn't consider that time together is also important.

I think you're going to have to let this one go, he's told you where you are in the pecking order. Your DH has seen this and wants to pull back. It hurts him as much as you to see the favouritism in the family and he wants to remove the possibility of hurt. Support him in this.

Is it possible your FiL struggles with the cultural differences between his home country and yours?
You say he is very engaged with DGC over face time, but when you invite him to visit he - as politely as possible - finds a way to get out of it.
I have in laws in Germany and I love travelling so I enjoy my visits, but it is stressful. It's the only place I've ever been yelled at by a stranger (who wasn't drunk or mentally unwell) - I say that to point out that cultural differences are actually significant, I was obviously doing something considered completely unacceptable in Germany (as I don't speak the language I'll never know what it was). Your FiL might find these different norms and epectations too difficult to cope with. But instead of telling you this he makes sure he is otherwise engaged at all times you might be likely to invite you over.

How old is FIL, and how does he feel about travelling, particularly on his own, overseas? My DF was fine going from one end of the country to the other on the train within the UK, but the stress of airports, check-ins, flights, tiny loos, etc, was something he just decided wasn't for him after a certain point.

I hear what you are saying. When you invite him he waits to check there isn't something else. When others invite him he says yes and doesn't check whether there is something else with you.

It must be annoying. But I think I would now just accept he isn't going to change and just stop inviting him to anything. If he notices then tell him straight that you have stopped inviting him because it is hurtful that you are never considered to be the "better offer" and everyone else is.

@Gymnopedie I think you are basically right in your assessment 😔

@DontGetEvenGetEverything I didn't think he found it challenging. He always says how peaceful it is coming here, he loves everything English etc.

@Hoffi FIL is 65 years old. Perhaps you are right and he's a nervous traveller.

@Spirallingdownwards you are also right and I will be pulling back with my invitations and expectations. Which is what DH wants me to do.

OP you've been asked a few times now but I haven't seen you reply (sorry if I missed it), but what about your family?

Are they involved or is all of the expectation laid upon your FIL?

I am not expecting my family to be involved as they are currently providing round the clock care for a dying aunt. However, I think my family is beside the point as this is about how FIL makes us feel relative to the rest of the family.

It's reminded me of another incident this year. We agreed dates on when we would visit him and when I confirmed with him a few days later the flights and accommodation we were booking, it turned out in the space of a few days his sister had coincidentally asked to visit him during that same period and he'd agreed to it, so we had to find new dates.

We are trying to work out our plans to visit him next year in the school summer holidays but he is unable to give us any ideas as he doesn't know what other activities, events, invites etc he might be receiving.

Thank you everyone for your responses. DH has always felt that to his dad he was the slightly less favoured child and I thought he was being overly sensitive. My late MIL was always there to rebalance, but she isn't here anymore. I should respect DH's feelings on this and pull back as he's requested, as it's becoming clearer that we are second best to him.

I’m not sure you’re being directly unreasonable so I won’t say that, but you’re not being reasonable either. It’s fine to feel disappointment but he lives in a different country!

The expectation for him to come whilst it might be culturally something you normally adhere to is a bit unreasonable, especially if this person is older. Perhaps as a senior in the family, he is also giving gentle permission for this not to be a thing.

Also, practically, you didn’t invite him. You didn’t invite the conversation so he probably relinquished himself of the expectation, which seems fair. If you had have asked, I’m sure he would either have come or embarked on a conversation about it.

Let it go. It’s not worth being upset with family about for antiquated customs.

I think you have unreasonable expectations.

• to expect someone to hold off plans

Especially without you having not even had a discussion about planning an event. So how would they know you were thinking of inviting them or even when the date was. People have their own lives.

Ontop of that being upset that someone isn't coming to something you haven't invited them to, and expecting them to travel a long way and book flights for it.

Furthermore, personally, I think the first day of school you should be focusing on your kid. They are probably quite nervous or scared. It might be a lot for them. And having a safe space to come home to at the end of the day would probably be nicest.
Maybe you can celebrate at the weekend.

As a kid I'd just care if my parents were there for me.
If anything planning a party with relatives would detract from the energy and focus you could give to your kid to support them through the transition.

Take some photos of the day :)
Enjoy it :)

Try and let go of your feelings towards relatives who have plans already. And that you haven't invited yet.

That's how things work. If you don't mention you are planning something and save the date or rough date then people will /can make other plans.

Its unreasonable to expect people to change their plans unless it's an emergency ie someone is ill and in need.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. When you invite him he checks it works for everyone else. He accepted this invitation without thinking about his grandchild. I would be sad about that as well. I would try not to dwell too much in this instance because even though it’s the same distance, I suspect it’s easier to travel in the same country - and he was asked by great niece while you hadn’t yet made him aware.

As he ages, or has to go into hospital, or a care facility, who will be his support system? You have to invest to get back. He's putting time in, to people who have time for him. Your DH chose to move to another country, realistically all GC won't get equal input.

I really do understand why you feel hurt, I’d be upset too but I think it’s a blessing in disguise, no child needs the pressure of multiple family members waving them off it will be very overwhelming. I understand it’s a cultural tradition but maybe it’s not the best tradition for the child.

@Ponoka7 I hadn't considered this perspective and honestly, I would be disappointed if he viewed our relationship in a transactional way.

Unfortunately for us we know the answer to your question as it was fairly recently tested with MIL. The family in the country will not provide practical support and they have told him that. Last time we moved back for 2 months to provide support. If he needs anything, it's us that he calls. He's told to us we are the only ones he can rely on.

Op you need to follow DH lead this isn't about the first day at school, it's about looking for a better offer before he commits to anything. Pull back a bit.

Schools don't want big family gatherings on the first day especially not at drop off. It can be unsettling to have loads of family in the playground. I actually can't think of anything worse than having grandparents, aunties, uncles and great uncles rock up to wave kids off.

Maybe part of it is just how young kids start school but we don't have the kindergarten stage that other countries have.

Hello OP,
Just a thought - do you think that when he replies to your invitations with "I have to wait and see what else is going on", you could try telling him that you are sad he is not able just to say "yes" as he always seems to put other people first?

Perhaps it would be a wake-up call for him and it would help you to get it off your chest?

Good luck - I understand it must sting.

You are totally being unreasonable.

the vacation is no excuse. You knew your kid was starting school, if it was this big of a deal the conversation couldn’t started during the last visit, or even a whole year ago. ‘Let’s have next visit alight with kiddos first day of school’

It would be different if you had invited them. Maybe they figured you guys didn’t want to celebrate that way.

it is sad though! You need those celebrations. And although I think any graduation other than high school or secondary school is outrageously dumb, others do not. I also support any reason for cake. Anyway, maybe invite him for kiddos year end! Still keep some of the joy and celebration of education. And cake, make a cake or two.

I’ve read more of your additional details and I’m sorry it’s sucks.

my husband is the less favored child. Any visit his parents have to check with his sister first because she might need them… a grown 38yo. She takes advantage right left and centre.

and I grew up in a selfless family all about love, respect and equality. I STRUGGLE SOOOO MUCH. Husband has just accepted it. I have lowered, then re- lowered and lowered again my expectations. And even when I think they are as low as they can go - I’m disappointed. Again, husband just shrugs it off. He doesn’t diserve how they treat him. He is lovely and always drops everything for them. We drive 10 hours one way to see them and we’re lucky if his sister can be bothered to come by for a dinner. His parents leave us doing housework to do stuff for his sister. She’s not helpless, just selfish.

anyway!!! I know it sucks. I just invite them to things without mentioning to husband, then when they can be bothered the times a year he’s thrilled and didn’t have to deal with ALLL the rejection.

they would be fine people if they were drinking friends of my parents, but as family they suck.

im sorry you have this too.