To yell at my husband for being miserable

[Anotherfarmerswife]

I’ve NC for this as it’s possibly outing although I’m sure there are thousands of miserable, depressed farmers out there whose wives might be similar.

My husband is a farmer, he’s in partnership with his (elderly) father of a family farm which has been in the family circa 250years. The job is hard at the moment, not enough staff, volatile commodity prices and soaring costs, it isn’t what it was when his father was running the job in the 70s when they were pissing shit hot chemicals into water courses and basically decimating the countryside, but my husband does a brilliant job.

We live a beaut life (this is in relevance to my post, I’m not gloating). Three young children, a really beautiful place to live in more space than most people dream of, dogs, horses, I work part time as a fee earning professional and honestly through my eyes life is awesome, apart from him.

Everything sits heavy on him. The farm is, as he describes, the millstone around his neck which he wishes he didn’t have - the pressure to make it work and to carry it on, something he can never walk away from. It plagues his every day, every trip away he’s light and the moment we come down the drive the black dog descends.

The house is a constant stress for him. It’s a big old listed farmhouse and to be fair it constantly shitting itself one way or another but for me like most rationale people, it’s a nice problem to have. I see a nice home to bring up our children, I don’t know what he sees but it’s all dark.

The gardens are endless and there isn’t enough time to sort them all out, something always needs doing - I feel like this is the same for anyone who takes an interest in gardening, no matter the size. It bothers him, to the point sometimes he comes home and cuts the pissing lawn in the dark.

I do everything with him, I share the burden physically and mentally of the farm and at home, plus I carry the weight of all the childrens admin because I always have.

He goes in cycles, sometimes he’s jolly as fuck and living the dream we actually have. This week is another pit of sorrow, rejected loads of wheat, deductions, a massive invoice from the fertiliser company and four new tractor tyres at fuck knows how much. He’s sulking and miserable and I know he suffers with depression, he gets inside his head and he can’t cope with everything and his mood just spirals.

I have asked him so many times to seek help but he has a shotgun licence and his solace is the odd day clay shooting with his friends, apparently seeking mental health support means his guns would be taken and so that is not an option.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m in my mid 30s, I want to laugh some more, I know he’s struggling but I feel like he’s pulling me down with him. We’re going away next week which he’s moping about (despite it being his suggestion). I’ve organised everything from the kids to the house sitter to the animals to the farm relief, he hasn’t had to think about it.

Tonight I just lost my shit and told him I was so fed up of him being such a miserable twat when he’s surrounded by so much good. I know depression doesn’t work like that and I understand it’s hard but fuck me we literally have the world to go at and he’s stalking about upstairs making his problems worse in his head, he doesn’t even speak to me about it, just shuts down until the cloud lifts.

I don’t know what to say to change things? I don’t know what to do next? I love the bones of him and I want to help but I can’t go through another cycle of elated-calm-down-desperate-distant again, I’ve just run out of steam. I don’t know what I’m asking really, am I being a dick? What should I be doing to help him, we just bugger along getting from one of his breakdowns to another, it isn’t normal but so many of his friends are also farmers in the same shitstorm I think he thinks it is?

He’s depressed, stressed and is having a particularly hard week. You picked a really shitty time to yell and loose your shit at him. This may be your dream but the farm clearly isn’t his, it’s an obligation. Deal with marital issues on better days, not when he’s already in the pits.

Can you hire a gardener? Is it possible to sell the farm?

I fully accept I was a dick to yell at him, but nothing else seemed to register and I’m feeling it as well, albeit through him.

Life would be lighter if we sold and moved but that isn’t an option whilst his father and partner in the business is around. That is the crux of the millstone comment though- he feels as though it’s his birthright to carry it and anything else is failing.

@TeaKitten Farmers never sell up. They just don’t. They don’t really retire either. Not really.

Id be interested to know what his take on it is. What does the future look like. If he had a magic wand what would life look like?

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a farmer?

Though you see the wonderful acres of land the idyllic childhood for your children the olde worlde house etc he sees a business that is harder and harder to maintain. New rulings all the time re what can and cant be done increasing bills endless work and not enough hours a crumbling house thats a money pit etc you need to support him before he takes drastic action with his depression

It isn’t somebody’s fault that they’re depressed but it doesn’t mean their partner needs to be dragged down by it. It’s different if they seek help and try to improve things but if they’re just living in that cycle with no intention of improving it then you’ll end up equally depressed.

I don’t know the answer. All of his hobbies point to freedom - walking, mountain climbing and his days away from the farm shooting with his friends. He does LOVE farming, loves working the land, loves being in his tractor, loves his farm. The business side of it he hates and I take a lot of that on as I’m in the industry in a different capacity work wise. His dad is the big problem because they don’t agree on how day to day tasks should be carried out and honestly the industry has just moved a lot quicker than his dad and so his dad wants to do outdated, costly practices which drive him mad.

Yelling didn’t register either though, it just made him feel worse and probably you too. I really feel for him, it must feel hopeless in a way. Try on a better day to persuade him to get help, but it doesn’t sound easily fixable.

I really do support him, I’m there to pick up on his mood and to talk or to be silent and to be his anchor but I’m really starting to feel the strain of being everyone’s everything in our house - I feel like I’m the one adult to provide everyone with all of the stuff. I’m a solicitor specialising in agriculture so as well as all the emotive stuff, I also give out all the actual advice for the farm which isn’t always the easiest task so I’m not rowing against the tide I promise. I think really I’ve just had a hard day at work, a hard evening parenting and then I was met with a hard evening with my husband and Ive reacted quite poorly but honestly, sometimes I just need someone to catch me?

Can you go chat to your husband and explain this to him? Might open up a broader conversation between you. Sounds like a rubbish day all round OP. I hope things get better for both of you.

Your post is very well written and articulate. At times people describe their issues and it's a bit fuzzy, yet your post was very easy to read and understand.

Would it be possible at all to build a support network of your own? Being a bit isolated might make things challenging, and it might be wise to reconnect with old friends and start making new.

I inderstand that it's not the easiest life -- you feel like he's dragging you down when you can't really help him if both of you are depressed.

This is why I suggested other people because it would be good to, I don't know, meet a girl friend for tea, so his bad day doesn't ruin yours.

You seem like a very articulate and eloquent person.

I had a sixth sense this would be farming before I clicked on it.

Firstly - have you a good accountant/farm advisor. Someone who won't be nice and will tell him straight how things are and shut down any out of date nonsense FIL comes out with? If not, get one. Ask around for recommendations.

Secondly, mental health support doesn't have to come from the GP. He can access private counselling. The guns issue is often unspoken about in farming and ultimately leads to lots of farming men not seeking help when they should do because they don't want to lose their licence.

Is there a MIL?

You are going to get lots of posts saying you should let him leave the farm if that's what he wants. Those people don't understand farming, and the even worse shame and disappointment he would probably feel for doing this.

The garden seems to be a stressor.... anything that can be done to make it lower maintenence?

Can you speak to RABI about both the MH stuff and the finance stuff?

Other than clays what does he enjoy?

Don't beat yourself up OP, it sounds like you're taking on a good chunk of the work too so it's not like you're living in an easy old bubble, blissfully ignorant from his reality.

Totally understand how the ups and downs (and shutting down altogether) can take it's toil on you over time and make it easy to snap occasionally. I'm not sure what the solution is, but give yourself a break.

OP I don't have any advice, I just wanted to offer solidarity. My DH is similar (although in a totally different line of work). I know it's so, so shit for them, but it is also exhausting effectively being an emotional carer for someone with depression. My DH won't get help either and some days I just dread coming home to the gloomy, oppressive atmosphere that hangs over our otherwise lovely life. I've lost my shit at him for it too.
I think it boils down to a difference in temperament and worldview. I suspect your DH's depression actually doesn't have a great deal to do with the particulars of farming, but that if you had a completely different lifestyle and different jobs, the dynamics in your relationship would be the same. I'm completely projecting, but in my life, regardless of our circumstances I've always been a glass-overflowing-half-full person and he's always been a glass-half-empty person. Even when he gets his specific wishes, or a problem is satisfactorily solved, there's always something else to feel stressed or unhappy about. 13 years of it has put a real strain on our marriage. You have my sympathy.

If he sees a private psychotherapist and doesn’t mention the gun, they will never know he has one and are very unlikely to inform his GP they are seeing him, unless at any point he gives the impression he’s a danger to himself or others. He could always check to make sure before starting work with a therapist. If he’s concerned about seeing someone locally he could do therapy online. There are ways for him to get help.

It sounds as if some of the difficulties are stemming from the involvement of your FIL, is there any way these could be nuetralised? Buy him out, take over the farm completely or as Scrowy said get an independent person to shut down the nonsense?

But it's a dream for you because the true burden of keeping it alive isn't your problem. It's been in his family for over 250 years, that's enormous pressure that by the sounds of it, you don't carry in the same way. He doesn't seem happy op. It's not fair of you to say "well it's a dream, why can't he see that and be happy ?"

Marriage comes with compromises and hard decisions. One of the hardest is accepting that your partner is deeply unhappy and that it may be time to sell up and move on ? As much as you don't want to give up your dream, if you really want to help your marriage it might be time you both seriously consider a new life ?

Do you want the farm and the house and the space etc more ? Or do you want to see him happy again ? Doesn't sound like you'll get both.

Your husband needs to see a GP for help with his depression.

Could the farm adapt in other ways to make money. Most of the farms near me are small and have either twice a year events or have a small shop or cafe attached to them.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and suggest FIL is probably the partner holding the highest share of the partnership, still has most of the assets in his name rather than joint names on the basis that when he dies it will all be OPs husband's anyways, and isn't going to relinquish any of that any time soon.

Oh and if he's over 65 no accountant is ever going to suggest otherwise as he will be eligible for tax relief on his (major) share of the profits which as his tax is paid by the partnership means the farm having to pay vastly more tax if FIL is cut out.

Thanks for your reply, appreciate it.

It’s a big arable/veg set up in East Midlands, we have accountant (who, fair play does a banging job) agronomist, land agent and agribusiness consultant. I work with the agent to do all of the legalities and both the agronomist and the agriB consultant are also really rated professionals but ultimately it is my FIL who is the aggressor and often will keep stupid things like fert plans and spray recommendations to himself and then tell people incorrect information - he likes to be holder of all the keys I think.

I did speak to RABI at a professional event at cereals last week and they were a bit woolly over the shotgun issue other than to say it does sometimes prevent people coming forwards. If he could be reassured he could speak to someone without losing his one real outlet away from the farm, I think it could be a game changer.

I’ve probably come across badly on here this eve, I really am quite a good person I just get so bored of it all sometimes. But yeah, FIL definitely a real stone in the shoe day to day.

You don’t come across badly, and I say that having given my very honest opinion on you yelling at him. You sound like a strong woman and a good wife, having a hard time and doing your best. I really do feel for your DH with the farm situation and yelling won’t help, nobody should be yelled at. But we all have our limits! He will survive, he’s just learnt that you’ve hit yours. I don’t no much about farms so I’m no help but I think you sound like a good person and your DH is very lucky to have you.

My OP wasn’t referring to me living my dream, more that we have a very nice life on paper, it seems wrong to be ungrateful given where we are, we have issues with the farm because a farm cash flow is fairly intense at times of the year but ultimately I sometimes struggle to see where he does get so beat, obviously his state of mind is something I can’t fully get my head around at times.

We can’t sell, my husband would 100% rather erase himself than carry the shame of selling the farm for all the happiness it could potentially bring. Landed families don’t sell - it’s a blessing and a curse and ultimately the reason we have this issue. I suppose when I say “we have the dream” I’m probably trying to do the whole glass full type - “here are all of the positives to the situation I know we can’t ever walk away from”.

Im a farmers daughter, I do understand the industry and this necessity to hang on - I married him in spite of his vocation, not to live “my dream”.

Thank you - we’ve been together similar and it’s the wondering what mood you’re coming home to which really pits me. Not that he is ever angry or violent, just some days recently I drive home in the sun hoping for a jolly daily debrief in the garden (which we quite often do) and I’m met with a cloud of issues that I can’t fix.

I’m met with a cloud of issues that I can’t fix

Does he want you to fix them? Or are you the only person he can offload to.

Farming pride and the need to be seen to be doing well is probably preventing him from sharing with farming mates. Who actually all know full well that FIL is a controlling nightmare, because their fathers are too.

The biggest thing that made the difference for us was setting up a new farm business email address and insisting that we got a copy of everything by email to that address as well as the older generation getting their copy.

We didn't cut anyone out, we just made sure we had the information too.

Thanks for explaining this. What a difficult and awkward situation for @Anotherfarmerswife , you have my sympathy and no judgement from me for snapping at your husband we all reach the end of our tether at times.

I hope you and your husband can find a way through this.