To yell at my husband for being miserable

[Anotherfarmerswife]

I’ve NC for this as it’s possibly outing although I’m sure there are thousands of miserable, depressed farmers out there whose wives might be similar.

My husband is a farmer, he’s in partnership with his (elderly) father of a family farm which has been in the family circa 250years. The job is hard at the moment, not enough staff, volatile commodity prices and soaring costs, it isn’t what it was when his father was running the job in the 70s when they were pissing shit hot chemicals into water courses and basically decimating the countryside, but my husband does a brilliant job.

We live a beaut life (this is in relevance to my post, I’m not gloating). Three young children, a really beautiful place to live in more space than most people dream of, dogs, horses, I work part time as a fee earning professional and honestly through my eyes life is awesome, apart from him.

Everything sits heavy on him. The farm is, as he describes, the millstone around his neck which he wishes he didn’t have - the pressure to make it work and to carry it on, something he can never walk away from. It plagues his every day, every trip away he’s light and the moment we come down the drive the black dog descends.

The house is a constant stress for him. It’s a big old listed farmhouse and to be fair it constantly shitting itself one way or another but for me like most rationale people, it’s a nice problem to have. I see a nice home to bring up our children, I don’t know what he sees but it’s all dark.

The gardens are endless and there isn’t enough time to sort them all out, something always needs doing - I feel like this is the same for anyone who takes an interest in gardening, no matter the size. It bothers him, to the point sometimes he comes home and cuts the pissing lawn in the dark.

I do everything with him, I share the burden physically and mentally of the farm and at home, plus I carry the weight of all the childrens admin because I always have.

He goes in cycles, sometimes he’s jolly as fuck and living the dream we actually have. This week is another pit of sorrow, rejected loads of wheat, deductions, a massive invoice from the fertiliser company and four new tractor tyres at fuck knows how much. He’s sulking and miserable and I know he suffers with depression, he gets inside his head and he can’t cope with everything and his mood just spirals.

I have asked him so many times to seek help but he has a shotgun licence and his solace is the odd day clay shooting with his friends, apparently seeking mental health support means his guns would be taken and so that is not an option.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m in my mid 30s, I want to laugh some more, I know he’s struggling but I feel like he’s pulling me down with him. We’re going away next week which he’s moping about (despite it being his suggestion). I’ve organised everything from the kids to the house sitter to the animals to the farm relief, he hasn’t had to think about it.

Tonight I just lost my shit and told him I was so fed up of him being such a miserable twat when he’s surrounded by so much good. I know depression doesn’t work like that and I understand it’s hard but fuck me we literally have the world to go at and he’s stalking about upstairs making his problems worse in his head, he doesn’t even speak to me about it, just shuts down until the cloud lifts.

I don’t know what to say to change things? I don’t know what to do next? I love the bones of him and I want to help but I can’t go through another cycle of elated-calm-down-desperate-distant again, I’ve just run out of steam. I don’t know what I’m asking really, am I being a dick? What should I be doing to help him, we just bugger along getting from one of his breakdowns to another, it isn’t normal but so many of his friends are also farmers in the same shitstorm I think he thinks it is?

I'm a glass half full person married to a glass half empty. It's bloody tough, infuriating, depressing at times.

I'm trying to train myself that his mood does not need to affect my mood. I can deflect rather than absorb the bad vibes. And I can find things that give me good vibes and bring good vibes into the house.

By your own admission you can't really change anything practical but you CAN change how you react.

It sounds like he's moping upstairs rather than ranting and raving at you.

I can't help with much of what you've said, but honestly, it sounds like you could use counselling for yourself for you to get everything out.

Totally fair enough. How are you feeling this week? X

Thanks for checking in, really appreciate it. Packing to actually leave the farm for our holiday saturday was stressful as it usually is because of the emotional toll of him going away and leaving someone else in charge- it’s worry more than anything anger related which I do understand, I am similar as I leave the dogs and the horses in someone else’s care and I think the more things you have at home which you care about and tie you to the place, the harder it is to detach.

As soon as we arrived it was like a fog lifted and the light appeared, just as it always is when we are away, he’s so calm and happy and free and really enjoying time with the children.

This break will tide him over to harvest which will then be a slog, it always is because of FIL interference into every single element of the job, including just constantly driving around to check on things which my husband finds some sort of water torture- being watched whilst you’re operating big kit stresses him out a lot.

Anyway, he’s a lot lighter and we’re here for the next 8 days so I do think it will do the world of good for him. I have a meeting booked when I’m back to sit down with FIL and various advisors because we discussed last week that DH finds these types of meeting with FIL particularly difficult and as it’s in my field of work anyway, I’ll act as the intermediary for him. We have someone to do the lawn/general maintenance and I’m going to look into help with a few bits for me when I’m back, just to sort our own headspace out a bit.

we both also agreed that we need a “date night” at least once a month so we don’t lose eachother. I know this sound a bit naff but even out here on holiday, three children into the bargain, it just hits differently to a meal out away from all of your stresses 😂

I feel for you. It sounds really tough and I'm sure you have your own complex feelings of guilt for feeling good while he's struggling, but also not being able to enjoy things because he's struggling.
Could he access help through a Farmers Union type organisation? He might find it easier to talk to someone who understands farming and the difficulties that come along with it.

So what is the plan for the farm when your FiL is no longer around and your DH is too old to run it?

And is he an only child?

He’s not an only child but the only one in the farming business who will be willed this element, it is his to carry forward.

my husband feels very strongly that this expectation has been the millstone around his neck, it has dictated his life and although it’s how he met me, it isn’t the path he would have ever chosen. I also come from a farming family although (gratefully) not the one to inherited. From our combined experiences, we don’t want to put those pressures on any of our children, quite the opposite we will encourage them to choose other paths, albeit whilst they’re growing up they will be immersed in what farming is.

I don’t know what will happen next. We will focus on whilst we have the batton but the view is very strongly that our children shouldn’t carry this burden so if we have no children interested and the industry hasn’t shifted too far from current trajectory, we will contract farm it out and the children will be free to choose their own careers. We’re both very very keen to break the cycle.